No matter where we are on our personal journey, we all have that little fear-based voice inside our head. You know the one I mean — it’s the voice that’s always whispering negative things in our ears and is determined to keep us stuck in Fear Town instead of soaring in the stratosphere where we truly belong. I like to call that voice your Mean Girl.
Though we all have one, not many people are aware of it or understand how to master it. But the truth is, my sweet friend, you don’t have to listen to that voice or let it rule your life.
After working with thousands of women across the globe to master their Mean Girls, I’ve identified certain negative statements that crop up again and again. Here are the 7 most common fear-based thoughts we tell ourselves on a daily basis, with key action steps to help you overcome them.
1. You’re Not Smart, Sexy Or Skinny Enough
How many times have you looked in the mirror and scoffed at yourself? How many times have you doubted yourself, your abilities and your achievements? Undermining yourself in this way is destructive and does nothing but keep you small and stuck. Make peace with where you are at this very moment and give yourself permission to forge onwards and to shine.
2. You’re Not As Good As Him/Her
Comparing yourself to other people will put you on the express route to unhappy land. Whether you’re measuring yourself against your bestie, your colleague, some random on Instagram, or a Victoria’s Secret model, our Mean Girls are wired to pick up the faults in ourselves, while seeing only the crowning achievements of others. Ditch the ‘comparisonitis’ by keeping your eyes on your own game and switch off from social media if that’s a big trigger for you, you can return back to it once you have dissolved your charges.
3. You’re Too Old To Even Bother Trying XYZ, Launching Or Starting Your Dream Business
This is such a common excuse, but you know what? It’s a massive cop-out. There are people all around us doing amazing things regardless of their age — whether it’s launching a business at 50, running a marathon at 60, or taking up painting at 70. Age is an illusion. So gather your own evidence of people doing awesome things, let go of the number, and simply follow your heart’s desires.
4. You’re Such A Fraud
Can I tell you a little secret? Everyone who’s ever taken a risk has felt like they’re a fraud at some point or another; like they’re not fully ‘qualified’ for the role. Whether it’s becoming a mum, publishing your work, or stepping up as the CEO, it’s always scary to try something new and to step outside our comfort zone. But this is yet another example of your Mean Girl attempting to keep you ‘safe and small’ by stopping you from following your heart. Don’t listen to her! No one knows how long we are here on this earth for. It could be a short period and our dreams are waiting to be realised. Take that leap and watch the Universe catch you.
You’re such a failure’ is one of the top 7 phrases we MUST stop telling ourselves TODAY.
5. Who Could Possibly Love You?
We all know that you have to become bursting with love within yourself before you can truly open your heart to your soul mate. But of course your Mean Girl doesn’t want that. She wants you to keep playing small and renting the penthouse in Fear Town, but that’s totally boring! Being bursting with love is way more fun.
6. You’re A Failure
Every time you ‘fail’ there’s an opportunity to grow. It’s time to start seeing your ‘failures’ as opportunities to pivot, adjust, and expand instead of letting your Mean Girl beat you up and tear you down.
7. You Say The Dumbest Things
Give yourself a break, sista! Everyone says things they think maybe weren’t the most supportive at times, but you need to let that go. Besides, in the big picture of life, everything is always perfect just as it is, and when you choose to see things like that nothing is ever wrong or dumb. It’s just your judgment on it that’s keeping you stuck. Let go of the past and come back to this beautiful present moment right here right now.
Let’s all commit to mastering our Mean Girl and choosing love over fear instead. By ditching these 7 phrases from your inner vocabulary for good, you are already well on your way to mastering your Mean Girl and living the life you desire.
Now I would love to hear from you. Which of these phrases do you say to yourself? Or do you have another one that is common for you? Please share with me in the comments below. And remember millions of beautiful souls visit this neck of the interwebs every week and your words could be the one thing that ignites massive inspiration within their heart and life. So don’t hold back.
As always thank you so much for being so open and loving and sharing your insights with me in the comments. I love reading every single comment and just so you know yes I do read every one.
P.S. Want to take mastering your Mean Girl to the next level? Get my book Mastering Your Mean Girl TODAY! Your dream life is waiting beautiful.
Hi Melissa, this made me smile – and yes, I can certainly relate to all of them, especially #4,6 and 7!
Another favorite of mine, sort of my Mean Girl’s ace up her sleeve, would be: “You haven’t worked hard enough. You don’t deserve to be supported by the universe (or anyone). This will go wrong!” – isn’t she mean?
Best of luck with your book tour and all your plans for 2016 –
Yep, she sure is a meany bum. Gently close the door on her honey, you don’t have to listen to her anymore 😉
I am a big for the “who can love you?” And “You’r not good enough?” It’s been a struggle to try and close the door on my mean girl. she is putting up a good fight. But I’m determined to come out on top 🙂
Oh yeah Erin, she won’t give up without a fight, that’s her job… but you CAN do it. I believe in you 😉
Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with goals or things I would like to do and can’t decide which to focus on so don’t really do any. I am not really sure of the thought behind it but it’s definitely my mean girl – perfectionistic and all or nothing thinking.
Yep, that’s your Mean Girls way of keeping you stuck in Fear Town. I know because I used to feel the exact same way. Try breaking it down into smaller goals. One for health, one for wealth and one for love. Break them down into really small bite size goals. That really helps me.
Give that a go and let me know how you go 😉
This is just what I needed to read today! I have recently met someone extraordinary, someone who is a soul connection relationship. This someone is already growing me in so many ways, but this mean-girl fear keeps popping up and bursting our bubble of happier. It feels embarrassing to be the one holding things back based on silly fears. I am so ready to push my mean-girl out of my everyday inner-dialogue. This list is helping me to let go of fear so that I might soar as the one I am meant to be!
Thank you Melissa!!!
It’s time to gently close the door on her and choose love instead. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Give it a go now and see how you feel. Keep me posted 😉
Thanks for this post, it really resonated with me. Particularly the fraud part! I am just about to finish my Yoga Teacher Training course and I am constantly catching myself thinking that people might think I’m a fake, fraud or not good enough to be a teacher. Thanks for your thoughtful words! Xx
Let’s master your Mean Girl and remind yourself that YES you are good enough to be a teacher, all you need to do is master her 😉
Such a beautiful image of you!! Thank you for all you do. xo
Perfect timing & a great reminder!! I def fall prey to variations of most of these but def working on mastering my mean girl. Thanks for sharing Mel & inspiring me to keep at it xx
Oh the ever so haunting number 4!
Melissa, what would be your most constructive method for ‘shutting the door’ on our mean girls?
Do you use a phrase? Do you have a little vision/scene that you play in your mind to represent the act? Or perhaps another strategy like distraction or a self-pep-talk?
Your book has been incredibly inspiring and difficult to put down – I find myself reading it at any free moment and I always feel so blissed out afterwards. Thank you for putting pen to paper (or fingertips to keyboard!).
You’re so welcome angel 😉
Like I mention in the book awareness is key! Once the Mean Girl thought has popped up and you are fully aware of it, it’s about gently closing the door on her and returning back to love. I do this by saying ‘thank you for your concern about X Mean Girl but I am going to gently close the door on you now and return back to love’. It’s that simple! Give that a try and let me know how you go 🙂
After thinking about buying your book for a little while I finally did so on the weekend (something I did for me!) and I’m devouring it!! Your book is amazing. You are amazing. Thankyou for being you x
Right back at cha sista! For I am just a reflection of you 😉
Perfect email to wake up too and read. 🙂 I unfortunately have a struggle with 4 out of the 7 !!
#1, #2, #5 & #6…. After getting fired from my job, loosing a lot of funds & being cheated on its hard to feel successful, attractive or anything good really! I have just started my journey, onto chapter 4 of your amazing book now, and I am already feeling inspired. I am determined to change and stop this horrible feeling that is controlling me. I want to feel beautiful, sucessful and smart again – I will do this!
You can right now honey. All it takes is a conscious shift to choose love instead. It’s easy when ‘bad’ things happen to us to let our Mean Girl tear us down, but see them as opportunities of growth and pivot accordingly. You can do it honey! You got this 😉
Hi Mel, love your book … I didn’t realise how much I needed it until I started reading – I think I just expected those ‘mean girl’ thoughts to be the norm. Thanks fo everything x
You’re so welcome Amanda. Nope LOVE is the norm, your Mean Girl is NOT! Enjoy Mastering Your Mean Girl beautiful <3
My mean girl tells me I don’t fit in, that being myself is not what others really want from me..I should just keep my head down. So lame.
Let’s gently close the door on those Mean Girl thoughts honey and choose love instead 😉
You can do it!
“You are not worthy of your dreams” “what’s special about you?” “why will you succeed?” “you don’t know enough about XYZ to do that interview/coach that client” – such a bully. Your book is divine, thank you beautiful Xx
Let’s gently close the door on those Mean Girl comments honey and choose LOVE instead. You are so worthy of it!
Thank you so much for this! It’s exactly what I needed to read today. Ive been stuck in fear town trying to understand my decisions. Today I’ve said enough is enough, let’s do this! I’ve chosen my love over fear. Just wanted to stop by and send a little note of thanks and lots of love, Mel xxx
Naw thank you so much Amanda. Sending you lots of love also.
Whilst I don’t have any of the mean girl thoughts these days such as above (hallelujah!), I find my mean girl is more subtly woven into a lot of things and it tends to be a feeling more than words a lot of the time. That said, one of her favourites to taunt me about lately is, “You don’t have enough friends. You’ve never been good at female friendships. There must be something wrong with you because you’ve never found your soul sisters who love and support you, and who you love and support in return”. I’m working on this one at the moment but I’m grateful she’s here because she’s my lighthouse for the things I DO want in my life!
Exactly Michaele, and I am so glad you see her like that. Well done!
There is obviously a blockage around friendships which I am sure if you dig a little deeper you will find. Try meditating on it and asking yourself some deeper questions and go from there. Keep mastering your Mean Girl when she pops up with those statements and reframe them to something from love. That’s a great place to start 😉
I have just started reading your book for the second time, it is so amazing and inspiring! Thankyou so much for having the courage to launch it out into the world. Reading this post has further reinforced for me all of the ways in which I can (lovingly and gently) close the door on my negative internal chatter. It can be so easy to slip back into old habits so I’m finding that one step at a time is best, morning and evening meditations have become my favourite parts of the day! Thankyou for another empowering read, much gratitude to you. xxx
Thank YOU Aleynne, for being so brave and having the courage to master your Mean Girl… YOU ROCK! For me, moment to moment and the one step at a time approach is best. That way you remain present and don’t let her run the show.
I am stocked you are loving meditating and so proud you are committing to a twice daily practice, WELL DONE!
Keep going darling and keep me updated with your progress.
All my love.
I bought Mastering Your Mean Girl book on the weekend and have finished it now. I loved it. I am always telling myself I am to old to change my life at 46 but since reading your book. I am so excited to change my life. Thank you. xx
Age is an illusion Carol 😉 Well done! I am so proud of you. What was the biggest ‘aha’ or insight you got from the book?
I have heard everyone of these “lovely” comments over and over again. The most common one for me is “your not good enough and everyone else is doing better than you” I am so ready for kicking her out and slamming the door, I am so fed up of feeling like this. I’m with Krystal, so overwhelmed at choosing what to do next , I do nothing! Magic! Loving life right now living the dream, NOT! Everything needs to change! I am determined to make this year a healthy and love bursting year! You always hit the nail on the head Melissa, nice to know I am not alone. Thanks You! xx
One step at a time honey and remember just take it moment to moment. You can do it! All you have to do is start right now in this moment. You CAN do it!
These are such great things to remember, I only purchased your book on Tuesday and am half way through it lol. It’s putting allot of things into perspective for me that I hadn’t thought about as holding me back until now. I’m just starting a very different journey in my career and now that I’m aware of my Mean Girl and how to handle her I have allot more confidence in my success. Thanks for keeping it so real xx
Music to my ears Sarah. Well done! I can’t wait to watch you grow 😉
I didn’t realise that I have this horrid idea that my passion must remain a hobby and I couldn’t possibly ‘never work again’.
I am now finding creative ways to promote myself with people and business’ who are aligned with my dream.
I also dropped my work hours next month. Xxx
Let’s gently close the door on those Mean Girl thoughts honey and choose love instead. Come on… your dreams are waiting 😉
Amazing & Inspiring, i’ve just left an amazing job because it wasn’t feeding me in the right ways anymore i know i need to keep my confidence up in order to find the next amazing job so mastering my mean girl is 100% necessary in these moments. Thank you x
Absolutely honey. Mastering your Mean Girl is 100% necessary is every moment 😉
Stay open to your dream job coming to you, meditate on it, journal about it, vision it and don’t let go until you have it 😉
First of all I want to thank you for your wonderful work. You made me aware of my Mean Girl and negative thoughts. During the past year I tried to set up goals for myself but soon that Mean Girl told me I wasn’t good enough, I was too old, and that I was a fraud for even trying something different. (At least those are the ones I see as I read this article).
Thanks for your lovely tips. Passing them on to my beautiful sister!
Thanks for sharing Keila, have you read Mastering Your Mean Girl yet? I think it will be very supportive for you right now. Have a read and let me know what you think 😉
My mean girl operates in reverse! She tries to always tells me to pick faults in others and judge them harshly. I guess this is her way of trying to say I have a low self esteem and putting down others will somehow, make me feel better. Well, I definitely no longer buy that! In fact, I constantly use your words “Choose love over fear” and actually go out of my way to compliment others and see the beauty in us all, and to be truthful, this has made my heart feel soooo much more open and expansive and has already begun to reset my life and bring so many new wonderful and completely unexpected people and experiences into my life that I am incredibly grateful for. Thank you muchly! Love ‘n light xx Melanie.
Beautiful honey, I am so proud of you.
I want to remind you that when you judge others you are simply judging yourself, for we are all one and what you see in others you see within yourself. Something to think about and ponder on.
Sending you so much love.
Thank you…I really appreciate you taking the time to read, let alone reply to my post, and everyone’s for that matter…it makes me feel so much more connected with you and your beautiful tribe. Crying happy tears right now xx
Of course honey. I got your back sista 😉
Gosh, can I relate to most of these! Up until recently, I thought I was the only one who thought “I’m a fraud”. It actually has a name … the Imposter Syndrome. Yes there is such a thing! Was revolutionary. I have some tough life changing decisions to and she is working overtime lately… number 1 and 5 and then just to add some icing on top …you’re not worthy. It’s making the decisions I have to make even harder. The self talk to get her to shut up, just isn’t working.
It’s not about getting her to shut up, that approach is hard and forceful and we want to take a lighter/ gentler approach. It’s about using her as a guide to return back to love. Every time she pops up gently close the door on her and choose love instead. It’s a daily moment to moment practice. Have you read Mastering Your Mean Girl yet? I think you would get a lot out of it. Have a read and let me know what you think 😉
Oh my, where do I start….I have said all these things to myself.I turned 50 early last year and was pretty much resolved to the fact that I was too old to change my life, to find my passion. But towards the middle of the year, I had this light bulb moment and thought ‘hang on, you may be here for another 30 years yet. Is this the life you want to live? My answer was a big fat NO’. And so began my journey. And you know what? I found my passion.
whoo hooooooo Cheryl, I am so proud of you. Can you share it with us? I (we) would LOVE to hear it.
I have now completed Level 2 and about to embark on Level 3 of my Wellness Coaching course. I am also studying Nutrition. And loving it.
Well done! Nice work honey.
I´m a violinist, I study music. And about ten days ago one of my teachers told me, she could´t understand how somebody could play soo expressionless and that if I didn´t have this very strong impulse to express my inner feelings through this instrument than I should rather not even touch it again.
This hit me so hard. But I know she was right in that moment. The thing is – I really had forgotten why I wanted to make music. There had happened so many things through the past few years growing up and I hadn´t even noticed that in so many areas of my life I was holding myself back, and keeping my inner light and inner fire under tight wraps. It opened my eyes.
Now I actually have this urge to express through my violin. Because it is one of my biggest heart´s desires to awake the lights in others through my music. And I know I can do it and learn how to do even better.
But I don´t know how to not hold myself back in every other area of my life and especially in my social life. I´m so freaking used to hold back and make myself much smaller than I am…
Thanks for all your amazing work and words full of light.
Thank you so much for sharing Julia. Have you read my book Mastering Your Mean Girl yet? I think you would get a lot out of it. Keep catching your Mean Girl every time she tried to hold you back and remember you are here to let your light shine out, that is your birth right my darling and it’s time to let your true light shine out for good. You can do it! You got this.
Sadly, I will have to wait until march when your book is released in europe. Looking forward to it!!! 🙂 And in the meantime, I´ll become aware of the thoughts that actually are coming from my Mean girl.
Thank you so much for your support!
It’s worth the wait angel 😉
Hi Melissa, I come from Poland but currently living in the USA. I’m qualified teacher, currently stay at home mom. I love what you are doing and appreciate all your love And support toward women. I’ve preordered your book but in the states it’s going to be available in March so still long way to go
This is a brilliant idea, you have really got me thinking. Thank you for sparking the inspiration within me.
Watch this space 😉
That would be a great idea indeed. The mean girl is there since adolescent years and having someone to teach you how to recognize her and manage her would be great. It would prevent patterns of negativity and anxiety. Great idea!
I totally agree which is why I am so passionate about it. I am onto it 😉
My mean girl says most of these things, but the big one that holds me back ALL the time is how she constantly stresses about ‘time’. She says things like – there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done OR I don’t have enough time OR I am going to be late OR this is taking too long OR I shouldn’t be relaxing because I have so many other things to get done. It has held me back for so long!! I ordered your book last week and can’t wait for it to arrive, as I am very much looking forward to gently closing the door on my mean girl and finding peace within myself, but also within my day to day living!!
I am so excited for you to read Mastering Your Mean Girl and I can’t wait to hear your ‘aha’ moments, so please share them with me.
In regards to your Mean Girl comments now that you are aware you can gently close the door on those comments and choose love instead (whoo hoooo). So excited for you to master your Mean Girl honey.
My biggest thing is comparasonitis and fear of failure. I want to change my world but am so afraid of making the wrong desicion and being broke. Leaving my Job has been notoriously in my mind for so long. When your single , not married , childless its very hard not to compare your life to what appears “normal” xxx slowly starting to shut that mean girl out x
I understand sista but it’s time to master her. Have you read my book yet? I would love to hear your thoughts? xx