How To Be An Epic Lover






If you want a plant to grow, you have to water it. You have to tend to it, pull out any weeds that you’ve allowed to grow, nourish the soil, give it the right amount of sunlight, protect it from the harsh winds, and give it love, attention, time and energy every single day. Otherwise it will die. Similarly, if you want to master the piano or learn how to speak French, the more time and energy you invest into practice, the better you will get. Both these principles apply to your relationships too. The more love, time and energy you invest in them, and the more consistent your efforts, the more your relationships will grow, open wider and go deeper.

There is a misconception that once you meet your soul mate it will be all rainbows, unicorns and butterflies, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, when you met your ‘one’ the real work only just begins. Because when you enter a conscious partnership with your one, there is nowhere to hide. They call you to rise! They reflect back to you things that need to be looked at as they are your biggest spiritual assignments. All relationships are.  

Nick and I are both aware we can never rest on our laurels (so to speak) when it comes to our relationship. Just because things are flowing now, doesn’t mean we can ignore our relationship and coast along in complacency. Instead, we work on it now (every single day), while the sun is shining — nourishing it, strengthening it, and cherishing it. Both of us want to continue to grow, support each other’s evolution, and be of service to the relationship and each other. And we both fully believe that when we serve the other, we serve ourselves.

If you want to serve your partner — and be an epic, wholehearted lover — here are my top ‘lessons learned’ to evolve and strengthen your relationship so you can become an epic lover.

Be A Team Player

The two of you are a team. And you are on the same side, not opposing sides. (I think sometimes we forget this.) That means there is no point keeping score (i.e. ‘I took the rubbish out, so I get to put my feet up.’ Or, ‘I picked up the kids, so I get to go to yoga.’) Bitter tally-keeping will not do either of you any good. You’re on the same team, so help each other out! If Nick is full, I will do extra around the house and vice versa. You are there to help and support each other, not tear each other down.

Support Them

Take interest in their passions and work. Ask how you can help and if there is anything you can do to support them furthering their dreams — and engage them in supporting yours. This doesn’t mean you have to pretend to like football, wear the jersey of his favorite team, down beers and scoff Doritos. Simply listening (with both ears) to your partner talk about how much he loves football and how his favorite team just won the grand final can really make their day. Just as trusting them to care about your passions gives them room to return the favor.


Us humans want to be heard all the time. So it’s imperative that we practice consciously listening to our partners — without interrupting and without simply waiting until it’s our turn to talk. It’s challenging because we all have opinions and we want to give them, but when your partner walks in the door, open your arms and just listen and let them express themselves. Once you can feel they are finished, then you share.  

The grass is greener where you water it.

Pray For Their Health And Happiness

At the end of my meditations, I pray for Nick’s health and happiness. I pray he feels inner joy, peace, happiness and contentment and I send him love.

Be The Partner YOU Desire

It’s very easy to sit back and demand our partner to show up a certain way, pleasure us a certain way, and make us feel like a queen. But why can’t we be the ones who show up first? Be the partner YOU desire instead of waiting for them to take the lead. YOU show up first!

Decide To Rise

I’ll be the first to admit that there are times when I act like a three-year-old and chuck an Oscar-worthy temper tantrum. But really, is that serving anyone?! The answer is a big fat NO! Make the choice to rise above the moods and pettiness that affect us all sometimes.

Your Lover Is Your Lover

Your lover is not primarily your consoler, coach, hairdresser, personal trainer, bestie, spiritual healer, fashion stylist, yoga buddy, accountant, business adviser or (metaphorically speaking) your punching bag. Sure, he might actually be a personal trainer and train you three times a week, but first and foremost he is your lover, so treat him that way. Let him sit in his zone of genius and be your lover. Your relationship will be way better for it.

Get Your Fix Elsewhere

Perhaps you LOVE a long conversation but your partner is not a massive talker. And that’s okay! Don’t try to fix, change or improve him. Your man may not want to sip herbal tea and chat for hours with you. If that’s the case, go get your fix somewhere else. Chat to your girlfriends on the phone, meet up for a walk or catch up for a tea, whatever you need to do to get your fix. The same applies if he loves a chinwag and you’re more of a thinker — he will always have other friends who can answer that need. Don’t see your differences as fatal incompatibilities — simply give each other permission to satisfy those areas with siblings, friends or colleagues.

Treat Him Like Your King

I call Nick my ‘King’, because I realize that if I desire him to treat me like a goddess Queen, I must first treat him like my King. If you started treating your lover like your King, how would you speak to him when he walked into the room? How would you act around them? Treat your lover the way you want to be treated.

Be Their Lover, Not Their Mum

Neither you nor your partner wants to be bossed around and told what to do. So not sexy! Of course, if they aren’t pulling their weight around the house an open CCC (crystal clear conversation) may need to be had and vice versa, but remember there is nothing sexy about being yelled at and ordered around. Nick and I have a rule that we don’t tell each other what to do and if one of us does that person has to give the other person a 10-minute foot rub that night. 

Perform Random Acts Of Kindness

There are so many things you can do to keep the magic alive each day. For example, leave love notes around the house or slip them in his bag before you leave for work, book in a date once a week, send some cute (or sexy) text messages to him throughout the day, give him a full-body massage, run him an Epsom salts bath after a long day at work, make him his favorite meal, or pop a pair of your sexy underwear in his work bag or lunch box… that’ll be sure to get him smiling!

Make Time

We are all full (I don’t use the word ‘busy’) and we all have to-do lists and inboxes that seem to never end, but if you don’t make the time to ‘water’ your relationship, it will not grow. You have to make it a priority, just like you would with exercise or a work deadline. Schedule your ‘lovers time’ in your calendar and stick to it. Otherwise you are just roommates who occasionally have sex or ‘rub genitals’, as author David Deida would say. A strong relationship requires time and nurturing.

For more epic relationship tips make sure you get my book Open Wide The Radically Real Guide To Deep Love, Rocking Relationships and Soulful sex.

Now I would love to hear from you, do you have any tips on how to be an epic lover? Share them in the comments below and together let’s create a long list of ideas we can come back to time and time again for inspiration.

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  1. Chantelle says:

    Thank you so so much Melissa for a such a soulful reminder.
    So often we forget or think we are too ‘full’ to make time to water our garden but it is something that is SOOOO important!

    Thanks again,
    Channy x

  2. Marina Mauersberg says:

    Thankyou, such a beautiful and inspiring read, I will be ensuring I practice these principles x

  3. Amy says:

    Thank you Mel once again for a beautiful post my boyfriend and I started a long distance relationship 2 months into our relationship. While it was hard, we made the vow to talk on the phone at least 10 minutes a day. While It usually turned into 1 hour FaceTimes, it was just time for us that we always made time for!

  4. Chloe says:

    Beautiful list Melissa. I made note of a few there! I especially liked ‘your lover is your lover.’ So important to remember.

  5. Kelly says:

    Hi Melissa, what a great post!! I really needed to read this as so often we get caught up in self you forget to nurture your lover ❤️ Many thanks & Big love x

  6. Katharina says:

    Communication is something my partner and I constantly work on. If you don’t express how your feeling or any issues you have than the other person will never know and any frustration or anger just builds up inside until it explodes over normally a very small issue, like what to have for dinner lol.
    But communication and being honest has been a major building block for us and it has kept our relationship strong.

  7. Melanie says:

    Beautiful Melissa. I truly believe love in a relationship needs to grow a little more every day and these are some amazing ways to do that. Can’t wait to read Open Wide xo

  8. evie says:

    i feel like a lot of comments on your blog start this way Melissa, but i have to say i can’t believe the timing at which this post fell upon my eyes. i am struggling very much with this right now with my partner. i so want to tend to this beautiful plant and help it flourish and thrive, and i understand and believe that good relationships take work, but my partner doesn’t follow this line of thinking. he believes if it’s the right relationship no effort is required and things should just float along without any hiccups. this is so hurtful and distressing to me. i love him deeply, but i worry, how on earth can i communicate to him that effort and intentional consciousness is necessary? please help, i don’t know what to do, and i really value and honour your words and opinions. x

    • Thanks for sharing Evie. Firstly, I wanted to say you (and him) are going to LOVE my next book Open Wide. I can’t wait for you both to read it. Secondly, to answer your question you have to practice what I call CCC (Crystal Clear Communication), you will learn all about this in Open Wide. You need to open your heart and share with him crystal clearly your truth, let go of your expectations and let him take it in. Then go from there. See how he responses then take it from there. Does that help honey? Let me know how you go. I can’t wait to hear back from you. xx

  9. Shelley Smith says:

    Love it Melissa! Question also! How often do you compliment your lover? I find this doesn’t come naturally for me to give compliments but I’m reading it can be a wonderful way to show appreciation to your man! Xo

    • Hey Shelley, I do it every single day as it comes naturally for me, but what you could do is put an alarm reminder in your phone that goes off at the same time every day that say’s ‘compliment him’. Give that a go for a week and let me know how you go. I can’t wait to hear back from you. xx

  10. Johnelle says:

    In my relationship I work really hard on allowing my Man to be a Man and encourage him to do the things that full him up and make him happy because if he is happy in himself and I am happy in myself then we can both be happy together and hopefully he’ll never feel I stop him doing the things he wants to do with his life <3 Love your work Melissa!

  11. Tanya says:

    I think allowing your partner to be themselves, live their passions and being supportive are all so important.
    Once there is kids, I think this becomes more important. My husband and I have a saying “the kids are a part of the life we all live, they are not our whole world “. We love, adore and nurture our children but if we don’t keep our own and joint goals or passions, we cannot show our children how to live as their best selves and we won’t have anything to talk about with each other!

  12. Lulu says:

    I am seriously going through a bit of a rough time at the moment with my King and it’s all new but we are madly in love, however i am finding it difficult dealing with is stresses, moods and grumpiness and constantly biting my head off! I decided today to take breather from him until the weekend was even contemplating ending things with him until he sorts himself and issues out, but then I read this and feeling differently about things. I haven’t in a relationship in almost 8 years and the last few guys have been jerks therefore I am not used to dealing with someone else’s issues and just being on my own. Is taking a timeout for a couple of days ok for my own and his own mental well being?

    • Hey Lulu, you are going to love my next book Open Wide because in it I talk about how one of the best things a couple can do is take personal responsibility for how they are feeling. And in my books it’s not ok that anyone dumps their stress, is moody, grumpy and bites your head off. They need to take ownership for how they are feeling and not project it onto you. So if taking some space is your truth then do it. Always do what feels right and true for you and you can’t go wrong. I hope that helps angel. xx

  13. Steph says:

    Oh you goddess I am so excited for your book to arrive, this was a sneak peak and I can’t wait to dive deeper into your guidance with these very important matters!! Xx

  14. Belinda says:

    We love to ‘make out’ every single day. It may or may not lead to sex, but giving each other long, passionate kisses and touches keeps us lovingly connected. We also do text messages during the working week and the occasional foot massages if we’re at home watching a movie.

  15. Betsy says:

    I think knowing your partners love language is a big one. This is a book called the 5 love languages. It explains the different love language and how people receive and give love in different forms

    Thanks for the blog! Loved it!

  16. CARA says:

    Looking forward to reading the book Melissa!

  17. Caty says:

    I absolutely love this! After reading your book we tried (CCC) and I cannot believe we haven’t done this all along! Thank you Melissa! xx

  18. Kira says:

    I often forget how much my man loves to be listened to, I am definitely the thinker, he’s the talker. Sometimes I feel like he’s a lot more expressive than I am in showing love, and I’m going to make it my job to be more present and appreciative of the great things in our relationship, and let it be known. Thanks for the post Melissa! Xx

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Hi Gorgeous, I'm Melissa.

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