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"Help! I'm Evolving Faster Than My Partner!" (What to Do When You're More Spiritual Than Your Love)

"Help! I'm Evolving Faster Than My Partner!" (What to Do When You're More Spiritual Than Your Love), Melissa Ambrosini

"I am growing and evolving rapidly, and my partner isn’t. What can I do?"

I hear people say this kind of thing about their beloved all the time. One partner does the spiritual work, starts meditating, gets a 30-day yoga pass, attends the hippy woo-woo events, buys all the books, goes to the seminars, listens to the podcasts, downloads the courses, immerses in audiobooks, gets coaching... and loves it! She loves this newfound perspective on life — one that chooses love instead of suffering. It’s rad! She wants to scream it from the treetops, tell all her soul sisters, and get her entire family on the bandwagon. But the one person that she so desperately wants to come along for the ride is her partner, and he ain’t interested one bit. So, what can you do?

Eckhart Tolle says that in these (and most) situations, you have one of two choices:

A) You accept what is, or

B) You change it.

Let’s start with option A.

I have had partners in the past who were definitely NOT riding the woo-woo train, so I totally get what it’s like. And here’s my advice to you… Trying to get your partner on board, trying to change them, fix them, improve them, take them to yoga, get them to meditate, eat cultured vegetables, oil pull, dry body brush, do affirmations and drink bone broth will likely achieve… nothing. Except, of course, exhausting the heck out of you, and causing you suffering, pain, stress and serious overwhelm... I know because I have been-there-done-that in the past, and it’s hard work!

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

{Click here to tweet the above quote}

But what you CAN do is lead by example.

The only way to inspire anyone is to be the living, breathing, walking, talking example yourself.

{Click here to tweet the above quote}

You can share your findings and discoveries with your partner. You can share how you feel. Share what you are learning about yourself. Share how a certain book or philosophy is helping you and why you love it and feel so good. BUT you must share it without expectations. Share because you simply love to and not with the hopes, wishes and expectations that they too will get on board. Why? Because they will feel the pressure behind it and it will repel them — it’s human nature! When we are told to do something, we automatically don’t want to do it. Kids are a perfect example of this: when you tell them to do or not do something, they will most likely do the exact opposite!

The next thing you can do to alleviate any suffering is to fully accept your love exactly the way they are. If you don’t, you are basically buying the penthouse in struggle city — and no one likes struggle city. Like I mentioned before, we can not fix, change or improve anyone else, all we can do is work on ourselves and if they come along for the ride, great. If not, that’s also great. It’s your job to accept them fully, wholeheartedly and completely just as they are. THAT’S unconditional love, my friends!

I know at times it may not feel like a piece of (raw) cake to take this approach, but it will cause you far less stress, pain and suffering, and I am all about limiting those bad boys as much as possible.

Next up is option B... you change it! If you have tried option A and given it your absolute best, and you still can not accept them just as they are, then the best thing to do is change it up. Maybe it’s time for you to consciously uncouple? I don’t believe that separating (and note that I don’t use the term ‘breaking up’, because I don’t believe anything is broken) needs to be tumultuous, and I believe all relationships are “perfect” in their own way and serve a divine purpose for both your evolutions. Yep — even the dude that cheated on me and broke my heart! You see, people are going to come and go in your life — that’s how the game works! And each of these relationships serve a purpose, even if it takes a while to reveal itself to us. So ultimately, we can’t get attached. I don’t regret any of the men I have dated, they were all perfect in their own way, they all taught me so much about myself, and they all ultimately led me to where I am today… with the love of my life.

It’s all perfect! Everything always is.

{Click here to tweet the above quote}

Remember that, my sweet friend.

My role as your spiritual teacher is to give you no BS advice, and I am not here to sugarcoat anything. You either accept it or move on with as much grace as you possibly can. So which is it for you, my darling? Know that either way, you are supported. You are loved. You are love. And everything is always unfolding exactly the way it’s supposed to.

Now I would love to hear from you: Have you ever been in this situation before? If so, I am curious to know what you did and how you shimmied your way through it, and if you have any other advice or wisdom you could share with the tribe. We would love to hear from you...always!

And remember, thousands of beautiful souls (like you) come here daily to get inspiration. Your words could be exactly what they need to read to inspire them. So open that big beautiful heart of yours and share from there.

As always, I am beyond grateful you are here. Your dedication to your growth — and being the best version of yourself — seriously lights me up.

Love Melissa

xx

P.S. Do you know someone who needs to read this post? Please forward it onto them right now. They will thank you for it later.

P.P.S. Have you read Mastering Your Mean Girl yet? If so, and you feel called to, I would LOVE if you could help spread the word and be a part of the ripple effect by inspiring others to master their own Mean Girls. The best way to do that is by leaving a review on Amazon.com.

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  1. Log in to your account on Amazon.com.
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Thank you so much for your support, beautiful — I appreciate it more than you know.

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  1. Kelly Hensley says:

    love this!! something i struggle with all the time 🙏🏻 perfect reminder to keep being the example and continue riding the 'woo woo train' 😉

  2. Sarah Hopkins says:

    Hi Melissa

    I did chuckle as I read this as my exuberance at times can have my partner not only thinking I'm on the woo woo train, but I'm stoking the fire and getting it to run faster!!!

    Joking aside, I've found as I've grown and evolved spiritually, I have been able to recognise these subtle qualities in my partner. Lets just say he is a quiet man of few words and it's probably the last thing we would've ever have talked about. As I've started to change he has noticed the difference and it has led to some conversations ... small talk... but talking nonetheless!

    I feel like I've fallen in love with him again, as I now see these qualities in him that I never saw or appreciated before ...

    Thanks for a great read Melissa!

  3. Madeline says:

    This is so fitting for myself after going through a an uncoupling with someone who on a soul level was the love of my life so far, but in our physical world was not able to come along for the ride of my own self discovery. What I learned from this was (and without self blame) that I pushed and pulled him to read certain books, go have kinesiology and talk about his feelings 24/7, all of which led to us drifting apart.

    I see now he is in fact very spiritual, but in his own way of surfing, being in nature and reading fiction for hours for an imaginative journey, these are his ways to connect to himself. It also takes us to recognize that it may not look the same as our own practice but to see that they may incorporates this in different forms.

    x

  4. Amy Thomson says:

    I so needed to read this article if only to realise im not the only one and we aren't the only couple going through this! Love your work huni xx and yes totally making a concious effort to accept the path he chooses and focus on my truth! He supports me in my choices so that is the most important even if he doesn't practice mindfulness and spirtual woo woo with me, well thts how I feel anyway xxo

  5. Caitlin says:

    This is a very relevant post for everyone in couples, particularly those men or women who are investing in themselves through wellness. I host wellness retreats, and am a holistic practitioner, but I try to make sure I don't make my friends or partner feel like they have to be part of that world, but it can be challenging when you know it's so good for everyone! Thanks for the insight as always Melissa xoxo

  6. Courtney says:

    I have recently separated from my husband for this very reason. It most definitely was an extremely difficult decision, especially as we have children...but ultimately I had grown so much that my needs completely changed and he could no longer meet those. We were both unhappy and had been for a long time. One positive thing is that the separation gave him the kick in the behind he needed to start working on himself and he is now on his own self-love journey. Unfortunately it was too late for us.
    It's still really hard most days. There are so many emotions to 'feel' through and I know it takes time. Sometimes I feel guilty for growing and leaving him behind.
    Especially in the moments when the kids are feeling sad because their lives have changed so much.
    I know all I can do is keep working on loving myself a little more each day.
    Thanks for writing this Mel, it was perfect timing. X

  7. Carissa says:

    Melissa you are totally right. In my last relationship my partner just did not get it and I really forced it and could not accept him as he was. Needless to say it didn't go well...or maybe it did because it led me here to the tribe 🙂

  8. Stephanie says:

    Oh Melissa, how I love you! This was a fabulous read. I too have struggled with wanting to "change" my husband. Once I started yoga, meditation, became vegan...I was all woohooo hop on the train! And he was all like, slow down, what's happening? i read somewhere that the only time you can change someone is when they're in diapers!!! So true! After frustrating the heck out of myself and even becoming angry and then resentful, I've let this go. While our choices may be different, he SUPPORTS my choices and loves me unconditionally. And that's enough. Lisa Oz's book US, which I'm reading now, has some excellent examples of this.

  9. Eva says:

    Great article. I am going through this exact thing right now. I have tried Option A and gotten criticism and a blunt exclamation that he refuses to change. He also believes that me evolving into who I am on my soul's path means that I am no longer the girl he married and am therefore untrustworthy. I was shocked when he said that. Basically, not only is he refusing to experience any growth at all, he doesn't accept the person I am becoming. So, I move on to Option B. Unfortunate, because he has so much potential and there is so much about him I'm going to miss. But, I have to stay on my path even if I walk it alone... and you can't be married to someone's potential.

  10. Katrin says:

    Thanks for this article Melissa.
    I decided long ago that I would accept my partner the way he is and simply lead by example - or otherwise just continue to be myself and learn and grow as I need to. He has his own journey to navigate. I need to leave him to it.
    This has worked for us - as we are two independent beings, coming together as partners and parents when required.
    I certainly don't love him any less - however I do wish at times that I could share my passion for self development with him. Not doing so does limit our closeness and the depth of our bond.
    As you have taught me, I deserve a deep, true, soul connection with another.
    So what if I don't have it and crave it?
    I guess that is another question for another day.
    Love and light,
    Katrin

    • Melissa says:

      Hey Katrin,

      I am so proud of you.

      Have you tried to share your passion for self-development with him from a place of love honey?

    • El says:

      Hi Katrin, your story resonates with me fully. I love my partner, he is amazing and he is not only fully and trully acceptive of some of the changes and growth I go through, but he also takes genuine interest in it at times.
      I, however, cant help but feel being on a different 'stage' of my growth than him, it seems unfair at times to always be a 'teacher' or 'wise story-teller' or just an 'example'. Don't you just want to be able to connect with your partner on same grounds, see the world with the same eyes and hold each other hands striving for the same purpose.

      • Melissa says:

        And you absolutely can El. One of the best things about being in a partnership is getting to connect in this lifetime whilst you hold hands and share the journey in the process.

  11. Amy says:

    Hey mel and ladies!

    My husband is totally main stream and not into my personal development work.

    I was really annoyed by this until I ignored it and just focussed on myself.

    Then I started explaining the wisdom and lessons I learnt from a place of love and used examples of living happier and healthier in my own life authentically.

    Now! He totally respect and supports everything I do! Not only that, he takes my tools and implements them in his own life.

    Crazy!

    Being the example is best!

    It does slight annoy me that I feel like I'm working 10 times harder for a nugget of wisdom which he understands in one sentence.

    Men vs women hey?

    • Melissa says:

      WOW! So proud of you for simply being the example honey. You are amazing! Well done sista. Keep up the awesome work.

      xx

  12. Thanks Mel, these thoughts change lives & gives us the strength & self belief to truly go for it! I'm now living the life I love, freeing myself from my partner who was on a completely different path to me, just took me a long time to realise it! Huge insights after attending your health & wellness course & 'mastering your mean girl'. Thank you for showing the light & joy that is waiting inside all of us! Hope you can come back to Hobart, Tasmania again one day soon! all the best, Rhonda xoxo

  13. Alyvia says:

    This was perfect timing for me. I broke with my boyfriend of 3 years recently because i have changed so much and he hadnt and so our needs were not getting met. I was absolutely heartbroken and started feeling like i wanted to go back to the place where i was when we met but reading this has really helped me see that i need to follow my dreams and my journey hopefully will allow me to cross paths with someone more suited to me in the future. Thank you.

  14. Cynthia Ericson says:

    i have been both over exuberant in trying to teach a reluctant partner, and on the receiving end of same partner who wished i would change as she had. in both situations, i found option B (acceptance and just being) was the healthiest for me. love is like water and when it flows gently and allows everything to grow at it's own pace, peace happens. when love is like a tsunami, it puts out the very creative fire of life learning. it is arrogant of me to think i know what is best for another person and miss what they may have to offer me. thank you melissa, for the inspirational words

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