“I am growing and evolving rapidly, and my partner isn’t. What can I do?”
I hear people say this kind of thing about their beloved all the time. One partner does the spiritual work, starts meditating, gets a 30-day yoga pass, attends the hippy woo-woo events, buys all the books, goes to the seminars, listens to the podcasts, downloads the courses, immerses in audiobooks, gets coaching… and loves it! She loves this newfound perspective on life — one that chooses love instead of suffering. It’s rad! She wants to scream it from the treetops, tell all her soul sisters, and get her entire family on the bandwagon. But the one person that she so desperately wants to come along for the ride is her partner, and he ain’t interested one bit. So, what can you do?
Eckhart Tolle says that in these (and most) situations, you have one of two choices:
A) You accept what is, or
B) You change it.
Let’s start with option A.
I have had partners in the past who were definitely NOT riding the woo-woo train, so I totally get what it’s like. And here’s my advice to you… Trying to get your partner on board, trying to change them, fix them, improve them, take them to yoga, get them to meditate, eat cultured vegetables, oil pull, dry body brush, do affirmations and drink bone broth will likely achieve… nothing. Except, of course, exhausting the heck out of you, and causing you suffering, pain, stress and serious overwhelm… I know because I have been-there-done-that in the past, and it’s hard work!
But what you CAN do is lead by example.
You can share your findings and discoveries with your partner. You can share how you feel. Share what you are learning about yourself. Share how a certain book or philosophy is helping you and why you love it and feel so good. But you must share it without expectations. Share because you simply love to and not with the hopes, wishes and expectations that they too will get on board. Why? Because they will feel the pressure behind it and it will repel them — it’s human nature! When we are told to do something, we automatically don’t want to do it. Kids are a perfect example of this: when you tell them to do or not do something, they will most likely do the exact opposite!
The next thing you can do to alleviate any suffering is to fully accept your love exactly the way they are. If you don’t, you are basically buying the penthouse in struggle city — and no one likes struggle city. Like I mentioned before, we can not fix, change or improve anyone else, all we can do is work on ourselves and if they come along for the ride, great. If not, that’s also great. It’s your job to accept them fully, wholeheartedly and completely just as they are. That’s unconditional love, my friends!
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.
I know at times it may not feel like a piece of (raw) cake to take this approach, but it will cause you far less stress, pain and suffering, and I am all about limiting those bad boys as much as possible.
Next up is option B… you change it! If you have tried option A and given it your absolute best, and you still can not accept them just as they are, then the best thing to do is change it up. Maybe it’s time for you to consciously uncouple? I don’t believe that separating (and note that I don’t use the term ‘breaking up’, because I don’t believe anything is broken) needs to be tumultuous, and I believe all relationships are “perfect” in their own way and serve a divine purpose for both your evolutions. Yep — even the dude that cheated on me and broke my heart! You see, people are going to come and go in your life — that’s how the game works! And each of these relationships serve a purpose, even if it takes a while to reveal itself to us. So ultimately, we can’t get attached. I don’t regret any of the men I have dated, they were all perfect in their own way, they all taught me so much about myself, and they all ultimately led me to where I am today… with the love of my life.
Remember that, my sweet friend.
My role as your spiritual teacher is to give you no BS advice, and I am not here to sugarcoat anything. You either accept it or move on with as much grace as you possibly can. So which is it for you, my darling? Know that either way, you are supported. You are loved. You are love. And everything is always unfolding exactly the way it’s supposed to.
Now I would love to hear from you: Have you ever been in this situation before? If so, I am curious to know what you did and how you shimmied your way through it, and if you have any other advice or wisdom you could share with the tribe. We would love to hear from you…always! And remember, thousands of beautiful souls (like you) come here daily to get inspiration. Your words could be exactly what they need to read to inspire them. So open that big beautiful heart of yours and share from there.
As always, I am beyond grateful you are here. Your dedication to your growth — and being the best version of yourself — seriously lights me up.
But what you CAN do is lead by example.