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A Radical Return To Love

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I often find myself shrinking when people ask me about love. ‘Don’t brag Melissa, no one cares about your love — get over yourself!’ (Why hello, Mean Girl!) But screw that… I believe we need to celebrate love more. Love is our birthright! And if we all returned back to love a few more times throughout our day, a whole lot more magic would unfold in the world…

Of course, way too often, we don’t circle back to love at all. We do the opposite. We let our Mean Girls tell us we are unworthy of this and that, and we bring loads of suffering upon ourselves as a result. So today, together, let’s make a stand to consciously choose to return back to love... Deal? This means that when you overeat, you let it go, and choose to return back to love. When you yell at your kids or partner, you just let it go, soften, and return back to love. When your boss yells at you and you want to flip him the bird, you choose to soften, let go, and return to love. I know it's not always easy — especially if fear is your default setting — but you can make love your guiding star. All it takes is a commitment right here, right now, to consciously choose love in every moment.

The beautiful thing is that when you choose love you inspire those around you to also do the same. So by you simply being the example, you are making a difference. How beautiful is that?!

To get back to my original point about L.O.V.E., this week I celebrated my two year wedding anniversary. And although that may seem tiny compared to couples who have been married for 30, 40 or even 50 years, I wanted to share the three most powerful realizations that have kept the fire blazing and the love strong in our marriage.

Treat The Other Person Like Jesus

FYI, you can replace the word Jesus with the word Buddha/ God/ Love/ The Divine/ The Universe — whatever resonates most with you. But for the sake of this article, I will use Jesus.

Sometimes we forget that the other person is pureunconditionall love. (Heck, sometimes we forget that every single one of us is pure love!) Which means that sometimes, we can treat and speak to our beloved like a piece a s#%t... Guilty! But this is NOT ok! Not in my book, anyways. I don’t care how angry, upset or frustrated you are, take ownership of how you are showing up and do not projectile vomit your crap all over them.

Now, I don’t always get an A+ in this subject but it’s something I am super conscious of and want to work on daily. I want to treat him (and everyone, for that matter) like they are Jesus, because when I do, life is so much more full of love, joy and happiness. Think about it for a minute: When your beloved, or your children or parents or friend walks in the room, do you act like Jesus has just graced you with his presence? Or do you give your dog more love and attention? It’s time to step things up here and really remind yourself of this daily. Maybe put a reminder in your phone, write it on your bathroom mirror or on a Post-it note, or maybe you already do this — if so, high five to you. But it’s time to treat everyone like the embodiment of love.

See The Other Side

A while back, I invested $3000 in myself and enrolled in Dr John Demartini’s Breakthrough Experience — and holy smokes did I have a breakthrough! Learning the Demartini method was revolutionary for me, especially because I was feeling very stuck with one particular person in my life. I walked in on Saturday morning with anger, frustration and resentment toward this person... and walked out on Sunday evening with nothing but love and gratitude in my heart. Cool, huh?! It was awesome, to say the least, and was the missing piece of the puzzle I was needing at that exact moment in my life to return back to love. It was golden!

What I realized at the course was that there are always two sides to EVERY story, and when you are triggered by someone else, you have failed to see the other side. I now apply this concept to every area of my life. When I am feeling triggered by my husband I ask myself, what am I not seeing? When I am triggered by Leo I ask myself, what am I not seeing? When I am trigger by my parents, friends, the taxi driver, the waiter, someone on social media, or the stranger walking down the street I ask myself, what am I failing to see right now?

What this awareness does is give you back the power. And when you live by this rule you will never be disappointed, angry or frustrated with anyone else ever again. Sounds good to me! Now this doesn’t mean you will never feel those feelings ever again (I can promise you, you absolutely will), HOWEVER I can also promise you that when you live by this concept you can never feel disappointment and it allows you to take back the power, putting you back in charge of your happiness and destiny.

Dance Between The Masculine And Feminine

Understanding the energy dynamics and how to dance elegantly between the masculine and feminine has been crucial in all my relationships, especially my marriage.

I believe that there is a divine order, and when that order is interrupted there is disruption. For so many years I pushed, strived, and desperately wanted to buy my own house. I wanted to be furiously independent without a man, because my Mean Girl told me that I didn’t need one. She told me that I needed to push-push-push and be full-blown masculine (constantly hustling to save up for my own home) while simultaneously also being the ultimate divine feminine goddess around the house...

Can you guess how that went down?!

Not only is it physically impossible and unrealistic to fully embody both energies at the exact same time, but it’s exhausting even trying to. Instead, there is a dance we need to learn — a to-ing and fro-ing, just like a salsa. There are times when I am more in my masculine... Like when I am in the middle of a 3-hour strategy meeting with my team. Or when I am helping the boys put up the tent on our camping trips. Or when I am helping set up for a big speaking event. Then there are times when I am more in my feminine... Like when I am cooking dinner, having a heart-to-heart with a team member, connecting with Leo, or doing yoga, dancing, or writing (I feel so feminine and sexy when I write).

From masculine to feminine, from yin to yang… It’s all a divine dance, baby!
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The point is to know and note when you are in your masculine and when you are in your feminine and flow with it. If you are aware you are in your masculine, know that when you get home you can have a goddess bath and slip back into your feminine. And if you’ve spent a lot of time in your sacred feminine zone of dreams and ideas, know that at some point it will be time to put your alpha-pants back on and make shizzle happen. Having a deep awareness and understanding of this concept has been paramount for me, and has made a massive difference to our relationship.

Now I would love to hear from you, beautiful — Do you have any tools, tips or tricks that have worked in your relationship to allow you to keep the love blazing? Or, if you’d rather, what is the one thing you are going to try from the list above? Share with me in the comments below. And remember, thousands of love-seeking souls visit this space every day, and your comment could be the one thing that inspires massive shifts and a ton of inspiration deep within them.

As always, beautiful, thank you so much for being here. The way you continue to show up for yourself seriously blows my mind. YOU inspire me every single day.

Comments (31)

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    • Cherie Thorburn
      April 21, 2016

      Upon reflecting on my marriage I feel one of the important things that has kept us strong is being a supporter. When one of us has a goal the other will encourage. When one of us is having a bad time the other is there. Each person feels safe knowing the other has their back

      • Melissa
        April 21, 2016

        I love that honey. You're very own cheer squad ;)

      • April 26, 2016

        I am not currently in a relationship, but this is part of my relationship goals - to be a supporter, but more importantly to receive it as well. Too many times in the past I've felt most of my relationships were one-sided with me giving all the support. But I've since realized that I was choosing men that just were not capable of giving me the support I desired and so it does not make them (or me) a bad person. It just made me get really clear on how I would continue to show up and to start expressing the level of support I do desire in my next serious relationship. Much of my previous relationships were just me not communicating clearly what I desired. But when you know better, you can make the choice to do better. I know better now and so communication has become the key thing I work on for myself when it comes to others - parents, friends, men, etc.

        • Melissa
          April 27, 2016

          Love it honey. Crystal clear communication is key.

    • April 21, 2016

      Love this article Melissa, it's beautiful. My husband and I have been married for 10 years in June- sooo exciting. We love making a point of the little things, the bits that we don't always think about because they are in our lives daily- like making a cuppa (or lemon water) for the other first up in the morning without asking, leaving a little I love you note in each others wallet, popping toothpaste on the others toothbrush at night. A little peck on the cheek through the day just because, complimenting each other on being an awesome parent and even having a huge cuddle for so long that we feel all of the days tension melting away. For us, it's the little things that make us feel loved and appreciated. Thank you for sharing your beautiful words with us Mel xo

      • Melissa
        April 21, 2016

        You are too sweet. Nick and I do the same although I haven't put the toothpaste of his brush for him but I am going to start doing it. Thanks for the idea honey ;)

    • Tash Brown
      April 21, 2016

      I really need to read this today, thank you!

      This morning my partner and I had the house to ourselves, (as we share care our combined 5 daughters) he simply isn't a morning person. I on the other hand am.
      I was whistling, singing and dancing around the kitchen while he was making us an amazing breakfast, and he just wasn't up for my happiness and joy...
      I ended up getting cranky with him and not wanting to give him a hug and kiss goodbye when he left for work.

      I don't want to start my day in this frame of mind. Reading todays blog has really helped me to see his side, and feel so much better, so thank you Melissa xxx

    • Lauren McLeod
      April 21, 2016

      This article resonated with me on so many levels - especially the masculine and feminine energy! I definitely spend too much time in my masculine energy and don't flow nicely between the two. I'm going to make a conscious effort to be aware of my masculine and feminine energies from now on, and hope that that helps me in all areas of life!

    • Melinda
      April 21, 2016

      Thank you Melissa, and the happiest blessings to you on your anniversary. I promise myself that from now on, I will choose to see rejection not as someone pushing me away, but as the hands of The Universe pushing me in the right direction towards love.

    • Matilda
      April 21, 2016

      Another top post Melissa, thanks.

      I've managed to hang onto my soulmate for almost 8 years now and I really think my kindness and willingness to regularly complement his achievements has helped.

      Lately, I've been trying to see/understand his side when he pushes my buttons to further my happiness in our relationship. I'm holding my efforts not only improve my perspective but his eventually too. I'm definitely finding this challenging so far but I have faith that my consistency and perseverance (inspired by your story) will pay off.

    • Alexia Chuan
      April 21, 2016

      Omgosh! We are so alike! I've always been the kind of girl who wants to be independent and make my own money. I don't need a man in order to live the life I want. Didn't know I was just acting on masculine energy the whole time! No wonder I keep burning out again and again.

      I'm going to try to dance between masculine and feminine energy. Btw.. do you have any book recommendations that dive deep into this topic?

      Love xx

      • Melissa
        April 21, 2016

        Hey Alexia,

        I have a heap of book recommendations you can check out here. Dear Lover is my fav on this topic ;)

        Can't wait to hear what you think.

    • Wendy
      April 21, 2016

      Love love love, you are so right Melissa! Together for 24, married for 17 years (we'v been together since teenagers!), life throws lots of things at you on your journey together, especially when children come along (we have 3), but if you love each other intensely, make time for each other, respect each, look after each other in all respects, sexually (this is a big one!), emotionally & intellectually & try to treat each other like your 'king & queen', then you will have a good, loving life together. The key is the love, if you love each other deeply, you will have a successful life together........... xxx

      • Melissa
        April 22, 2016

        Totally agree with everything you said Wendy!

    • April 21, 2016

      I love that Melinda! Brilliant reframe. <3

      Melissa, I need to get my hands on Deida's books! You and Nick keep modelling the divine masculine and feminine dance (individually and as a couple) so consistently and beautifully, it's totally inspired me in business and in love (helping me stay even more open to welcoming my divine partner into my life).

      Will check out that book list and get reading!

      Lots of love + keep rocking the most awesome birthday celebrations! Snapchat is the bomb thanks for sharing the fun!!! Yaaaay!

      Loads of love,
      Heba

    • Julia
      April 22, 2016

      Dear Mel,

      Such a lovely post, thank you so very much for your commitment and generosity in sharing these uplifting thoughts..

      Sometimes I think to myself, when I read all these responses and I learn more about psychology and the nature of the mind and being, everyone is on this journey of self discovery.. We are all engaged in this wonderful journey of relinquishing patterns of automatic reactions to situations and learning to take control of our thoughts, words and behaviours. Sometimes I wonder why it is that humans seem to be so programmed to respond to situations in ways that are not positive for themselves or others. I've read so many great books that have helped me to get a better idea of the problem (The Four Agreements, Conversations with God, A New Earth, The Power of Now, A Course in Miracles, You Can Heal Your Life and so on). It is like there is this dream state that we are in driven by unconscious reactionary fear-driven behaviour and our task in life, whatever your job or your story or your family situation, is to wake up from the dream and the fear and resume control over your mind and to *remember* that the pure true state of things is love. I wonder also whether our programming is just a function of the evolution of the mind where the survival of the fittest was assured by humans that were most hyper-vigilant and responsive to threats in the environment (regardless of whether they are real or imagined!)

      Sometimes it really helps me to remember that everyone is going through this amazing dynamical journey of remembering their true self. Especially when I get frustrated or hurt or angry or disappointed in people. It's this amazing unfolding journey of life. But it is very much a challenge to take control over the strong bodily responses to fear or hurt or any challenge to the supremacy of the ego. But it's a journey I'm willing to commit to!!

      Sending lots of love to you all.. x

    • April 22, 2016

      Don't ever suppress it Melissa. You are NOT showing off....you are showing those of us who don't yet have it to BELIEVE and to not give up hope of finding it. This is SO SO SO important, especially for those who never saw this in their home growing up (in my single parent house, in order to love one, I had to hate the other - I learnt this from 2 years of age).

      Thank you for showing us what is truely possible and keep enjoying the special connection that you have found in this world.

      With love and so much light. Rach x

      • Melissa
        April 26, 2016

        I am glad it's inspired you darling, but don't forget you already have all the love within you sista.

    • Sopfia
      April 22, 2016

      I made the daunting decision to change my life. I left my marriage- a relationship i knew wasn't right for me, even though it wasn't actually bad. And started afresh. I knew in my heart there was something more than what I was experiencing. I am now with , I can say with 100% certainty , someone who is the love of my life. We are pure love. And I find myself holding back when I talk about it with friends or family. I don't want to brag or make people feel unhappy about their own relationships! But sometimes I realise that by sharing how we are and how I feel, it can maybe show people what love looks like and not settle for less than love. Why do we downplay what is good in our lives to make others feel better? We should celebrate it :) !

      • Melissa
        April 26, 2016

        Amen, sista! No more shrinking and downplaying, it's time to fully and completely celebrate love on all levels. Deal!

    • April 22, 2016

      I loved reading this today- I feel like you did Melissa wanting to be super independent not relying on any man (as a single momma) I still feel this way that there is no way i'd let a man into my life to rule me like I was ruled and then leave me on the side of the road with baby in my belly. So I hear what your saying but I guess I could dance more to my tune if the right man came along.... I'm hoping to dance more because the dance I'm doing is
      Exxxzaasting!

      Much love Desi

      • Melissa
        April 26, 2016

        Dance to your tune now honey, don't wait for a man, do it now sista! Fill yourself up first before you invite anyone else into your life. Then when you unite with someone else instead of completely each other you will simply share in your completeness. Does that make sense?

    • Stephanie
      April 23, 2016

      Oh wow I needed to read this this morning! Thank you for sharing. I have most definitely been struggling with this lately. I can unfortunately feel the tension between my husband and I at times. I guess I never realized I could be the one causing it. And furthermore, I haven't been seeing his side. We are very different people. I'm a morning person, he's a night owl. I'm glass half full, he's glass half empty. I'm more of an adventurer, and he is more of a home body. It doesn't mean that I don't love him immensely, because I certainly do... but how can I let go of my resentment and frustration around this? I have some work to do.

      • Melissa
        April 27, 2016

        Hey Stephaine,

        I hear you sista!. Have you read any of Echart Tolle’s work? He says you have one of 2 choices, change the situation or accept it. So you can either change your current situation or accept him exactly the way he is. The choice is always yours honey.

    • Steph
      April 28, 2016

      Thanks Melissa! I tried reading Echart Tolle years ago and struggled to get through his books! Maybe now is the time to revisit with fresh perspective! ;) This was on point. 'Changing' others doesn't exactly make a lot of sense, huh! Thank you!

    • Gente Coetzee
      May 17, 2017

      That's beautiful, Melissa. I find that it really helps me to take a step back, and imagine how I would want to be treated, and thankfully how I am being treated, by my love when I'm being in a icky mood. He gives me absolute space to be me, he doesn't get in my business, or get mean. He says I'm here, I can take it, I still love you. So before I pick on him when he is going through something tough, I take a deep breath and just hold him and let him be safe to feel whatever he is feeling. It has completely brought us closer. xx

    • August 15, 2017

      Hi Melissa,

      Just wanted to say I am enjoying reading your posts.

      Very insightful, thoughtful, authentic and informative.

      Thank you

      Colin

    • August 29, 2017

      You are so interesting! I do not suppose I've truly read through anything like
      this before. So great to find another person with a few original thoughts
      on this topic. Really.. thank you for starting this up.

      This web site is one thing that's needed on the
      internet, someone with a bit of originality!

    • August 8, 2018

      First off I want to say great blog! I had a quick question in which I'd like to ask if you
      do not mind. I was curious to find out how you center yourself and clear your head
      before writing. I have had a tough time clearing my mind in getting my thoughts out there.
      I truly do enjoy writing however it just seems like the first 10 to 15 minutes are
      lost just trying to figure out how to begin. Any ideas or
      hints? Many thanks!

      • August 10, 2018

        Hey, for me I meditate or do some deep breathing before I start writing. This always helps me come back to my center and refocus. Try it and let me know how you go. xx

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