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My journey inward began in 2010, when I hit rock bottom, ended up in hospital, and had my health taken away from me (you can read all about my story in Mastering Your Mean Girl). All areas of my life felt like a mess and out of control, and as a result, a tiny seed was planted in my mind which my inner Mean Girl watered daily… and that seed was, ‘I am broken and I need fixing’.
That tiny seed grew like a weed, spreading throughout my mind — ‘I am broken and I need fixing’. It was a stinky mantra, but it was on high rotation on my mental mixtape… and I came to fully believe it. From there, I spent years and thousands of dollars trying to fix, change and improve myself. I saw healers, coaches, experts, specialists, shamans, gurus, naturopaths, nutritionists, integrative doctors and more, all with the underlying belief that I was somehow defective. However, I did have a glimmer of hope, but that hope was that they may be able to fix me.
Reflecting back on this time in my life, I can see two bright red warning signs here…
Warning Sign One:
I was putting all my power outside of myself. My inner Mean Girl told me that those people held the key to my health, happiness and freedom; that they had the answers for me. Which is the biggest, fattest lie of the ego…
But way too often, our inner Mean Girl is so loud (not to mention obnoxious) that we can’t hear our hearts. So we spend years living a life where fear (aka your inner Mean Girl) is in the driver’s seat of your life. Or we don’t stop for one second to just sit and be still and allow whatever it is to pop up. We do-do-do, rush from one thing to the next, take pride in our busy-ness, and fill every second of white space with social media, junk food, TV and unhealthy relationships.
But if we simply committed to sitting in stillness every single day with ourselves — if we allowed ourselves to just be — we’d be able to hear the steady, thrumming wisdom of our inner True self, our intuition, and our heart.
All it takes is 2 minutes of stillness a day to connect inward with yourself.
Warning Sign Two:
The second bright red warning sign was the fact that everything I was doing for my health was coming from a place of fear. You see, in every situation, in every circumstance, we only have one of two choices… love or fear! And whether you are aware of it or not, you are constantly choosing love or fear, all day every day.
Don’t believe me? Tell me, did you workout this morning because you LOVE the way it makes you feel, or because you ate too much chocolate cake on the weekend and you’re feeling super guilty?
Are you in a job that you LOVE, or are you doing something you loathe because your inner Mean Girl is telling you you can’t make the leap and launch your dream business?
Are you surrounding yourself with people that you LOVE and who inspire you to be the best version of yourself, or are you still hanging out with Negative Nancy because your inner Mean Girl is making you feel bad and guilty and telling you to not ‘rock the boat’?
Whether you are aware of it or not, you are always coming from a place of love or fear. These days, I’m pretty good about anchoring all my actions in love.
For example, I went for a beautiful nourishing walk in nature and trained with my trainer because I LOVE the way it makes me feel.
I ate a nourishing bowl of veggies, healthy carbs, healthy fats and protein last night because I LOVE the taste and because I LOVE and honor my beautiful temple.
I surround myself with people I LOVE and who inspire me.
I washed the dishes after a meal from a place of LOVE and gratitude. (The fact that I even have dishes in the first place, and delicious organic food to go on them? So. Much. Love and gratitude.)
I am not ‘perfect’ though (delete that word from your vocab quick sticks) — I still slip up sometimes! For instance, Sunday is my cleaning day, and last week — as I was vacuuming, mopping, dusting and cleaning the toilet — I had a moment of feeling cranky that I had to do it. But the moment I became aware of that crankiness, I deliberately re-framed my attitude. I ended up scrubbing away with the biggest damn smile on my face, feeling so grateful that a) I had a home to clean, b) I could afford non-toxic, organic cleaning products, and c) I was cleaning a home for a family I adore and LOVE deeply.
The truth is, YOU hold the key to your freedom! YOU have all the answers within you.
I haven’t always been so quick to spot the fear and replace it with love. I can see now, with the benefit of hindsight, that every healer, coach, expert, specialist, shaman and guru I saw back in my early days, was all coming from a place of fear. I was so scared that I was never going to heal, or experience vibrant health again, that every appointment I rocked up to was purely from fear. I now take a different approach — not just to my health, but in all areas of my life: if I can’t do something from a place of love, I don’t do it at all. Simple! Letting go of the fear and getting to that place of love takes some inner Mean Girl mastering, but if you have read my book you will be a pro at that by now.
So, my darling, I want to remind you that NO you are NOT broken and YES you CAN do everything from a place of love. In fact, the world needs your love! It’s time to stop putting the power outside of yourself and remind yourself that you are whole and perfect, just as you are. Easy peasy lemon squeezy!
To make the transition from fear to love easier, I want to share a new mantra that you can use to replace any crappy ones you’ve got stuck in your head. I suggest writing it on a Post-it note and sticking it somewhere where you’ll see it every day, like your bathroom mirror, your computer screen, or your forehead… just kidding about that last one! Here it is…
This is the first step to mastering your inner Mean Girl and upgrading your belief patterns. And guess what… nothing changes if nothing changes, so if you want different beliefs, you have to do something different.
You got this! All it takes is a commitment to yourself, which you can make right now. Are you ready beautiful?
Now I would love to hear from you. Have you fallen down the trap of putting your power in others? And have you done things for your health out of fear? I would love to hear from you in the comments below. Don’t forget, hundreds of thousands of souls come here every single day to get inspired, so open that big beautiful heart of yours and share from there. You never know, your words might be exactly what someone needs to read at that moment to spark massive action and a radical internal shift, so please share away.
As always, I am so grateful you are here and have taken the time to read my words.
I needed this today very much. I am at that time in my life that I feel I have hit rock bottom and I’m no longer doing things out of love. Thank you so much for writing this. You are amazing!
As are you sista. And you know what the best thing about hitting rock bottom… the only way out is up. You got this honey. xx
HI Melissa (great name huh!) I too have been where you are. At the end of last year, everything was completely falling apart and I ended up collapsed on a hotel bathroom floor having taken too many sleeping pills. My marriage and company had fallen apart in the space of one year and I could not see the light. It felt like I was standing in the middle of 8 hurricanes and if I swayed a little too much in one direction… I would be swept up, never to be seen again. The sense of fear and hopelessness was palpable!!!! Yet that morning, lying on the floor as I opened my eyes to see light streaming through the window….. there was something within me that said to “get up dear girl….you’ve got this!!! You know you do!!” And I did!!! And today….right now…… I count my blessings every single day…..and my life is infinately better!”
I no longer operate from a place of fear and low self worth but one of strength, gratitude and peace.”
Blessed Beyond Measure for having been through those experiences however. They have truly made me stronger!
Hey Melissa, thank you so much for sharing. Keep going and keep choosing love over fear. xx
“I was putting all my power outside of myself” ….. WOW. I seriously needed this post today. So so beautiful Thanks so much for sharing your heart Mel xxx
Thankyou Melissa. Such a great reminder not to give our power away……the answers are always within when we truly listen. The simplicity of the question ‘am I in love or fear right now?’ Such a great simple check in we can ask ourselves with any decisions or tricky situations. Thanks again 🙂
Melissa, I felt So identified by ypur words!!
I’ve spent lots of years of my life thinking the magic was outside, I’ve been doing coaching, terapy, learned how to eat in a more healthy and funny way because my body was shouting at me “please, take care of me! Don’t you understand I can not be in health if you do not do something different!? I need you!!” I went through a lot of surgeries and going to different doctors un order to heal muy body till I realised I had to take care of myself un spite of other people’s opinions. And I am finally doing my way un order to develop muy own project as an entrepeneur after being put off my job (thank Universe!) A lot of people went out of my life since I’ve been more authentic and good to myself and IT is often difficult but living your life from LOVE and FREEDOM is priceless. I believe positivily that everything gets to you when it is time… So I only can say from my experiencies “go and live your life in spite of all the fears”
Thanks and all my love,
Paola
Hey Paola, so proud of you honey. xx
This is just wanted I needed to read at the moment, I’m definitely putting all the power to heal myself with others and this is the most timely reminder that I need to put the faith in myself and rise above the fear I have settled in to . Thanks Mel
Thank you lovely Melissa. You write so beautifully and your reminder to do a flip of thinking to love instead of fear is so powerful. It makes such a difference!
I still find myself in a place of fear at times and, as is often the case, I just needed to read this today. Divine timing!
What jumped out at me was to be still, quieten my mind from all the white noise of ‘inner chatter’ and regroup my thoughts to love.
Sending thanks and hugs your way. X
Hey Anita, you are most welcome. Sending you so much love. xx
Love this! Very inspirational to help others move forward.
Melissa, this is probably your best piece. Thank you for writing it ❤️ I am also so grateful for you amazing podcasts. You are such a generous and kind soul, keep shining bright, beautiful.
Thank you!!! To you and to the universe for putting this blog post in my way just when I needed it.
I’ve been weaning myself off antidepressants for 3 months – this week is my first week of zero (hello crazy withdrawal symptoms), I’m still trying to get my adrenals back in check and work on cleaning up my diet.
I have been all over the place and searching frantically for quick fixes, gurus, ideas, all of it (I didn’t realise until now, but all of it was totally from a place of fear – what if I feel like this for forever!!!??)
Thanks for saying just what I needed to hear, right when I needed to hear it x
Pleasure sista! I got your back! xx
Hi Melissa.
I have your book. Its very inspiring.
I struggle most days with my mean girl. I work in a very high stressed envnironment and i get scared reguarly . I do look out of the box to talk but im very closed off
Time to master your Mean Girl honey and open back up. You can do it! I know you can. xx
Thank you for the reminder Melissa! This came at the perfect time – I’ve been struggling for a while, thinking there’s something wrong with me that needs to be fixed. It has permeated pretty much every aspect of my life. I’ve just started re-reading your book, and I’m feeling re-inspired to commit to choosing love over fear!
Nice work sista! I am so proud of you. Keep going and keep choosing love over fear. xx
I think I’m stuck in this at the moment. Feel like I’m failing in many aspects of my life and am not where I want to be but some aspects are out of my control. I am currently trying many different things to fix myself because I hate that I don’t love myself especially as I’m raising a beautiful little girl and hope to have more babies in the future
Hey Stephanie, listen to your heart. Loving yourself is so much easier if you allow yourself to connect with your inner self. It’s time to master your mean girl, hun. Sending you love and positive vibes! xx
Hi Melissa. .I so needed to read this. I don’t know what health issues you battled with but I have had one form or another of chronic illness for 14 years..most recently debilitating injury. I now haven’t worked in 3 years. I meditate.mostly eat to nourish my body have been to numerous people and have probably reached the lowest point in my life. Hoping to somehow heal myself.
Hey Angela, you are on the right path by taking good care of yourself. I am sure you can do it! Sending you so much love. xx
Mel – you continue to show up for me when I need your words of wisdom the most! I just came out of a relationship which I thought was ‘the one’. I am in a fragile place at the moment however have committed to dating myself and am learning to be still and on my own so I can grow my self worth and be the best version that I can be.
I have never felt so scared and excited about this journey <3
Hey Jacqui, that’s amazing! Super important to love ourselves first. xx
Wow This really hit home for me, i am in this position right now and have been for the last 3 years. Looking outside for someone to fix me, heal me, help me, spending so much money and i never realised I was doing it all from FEAR. Thank you for allowing me feel as though I’m not alone and thank you for reminding me how important it is to look within and do everything from love not fear. Such a powerful post and im forever grateful x
Hey Halee, you are most welcome. Always choose love. xx
Hi I am suffering mentally and emotionally from a relationship that doesn’t serve me nicely at all. The person moved out because he was unhappy and still comes and stays. This is driving me insane because I’m being so nice to him when he treated me so terrible. I don’t know what to do. My daughter is suffering terribly as well with anxiety and panic attacks. We live in a place where we have no one else. Please help!
Hi Natalie, thank you for sharing that. I am sending you so much love but if I was in your shoes I would make sure you and your daughter are safe and set some clear boundaries with this person. Boundaries are very important and you need to put some in place as soon as possible. Also, have you read my book Mastering Your Mean Girl yet? I think it will be super supportive for you. Set those boundaries and keep me posted with how you go angel. I am here if you need. xx
Hi Melissa,
I am feeling so broken at the moment and was beginning to question who I was and what I stood for and whether the love I have been putting out has been the wrong thing to do. This blog could not have come at a more perfect time, and your words have reached my soul. Thank you xxx
Hey Tarnya, sending you so much love and positive vibes. xx
Such a lovely uplifting post Melissa. Isn’t it amazing what is possible when you operate in a spirit of gratitude.! Eight years ago I was diagnosed with two lung diseases, and like you I sought answers through trying many different therapies only to discover recently that the answers really do lie within. Now that I have the right mindset I feel my body can finally heal. I am so thankful for what illness has taught me, and look forward to my journey to wellness as it continues to unfold. Thanks for all you do. Just love that positive spirit of yours Melissa!
Hey Jane, love your positivity too! You are AMAZING. xx
Thank you Melissa. This is such a simply written and wise advice. You really have a gift of putting things into perspective and giving us real life examples which resonate immediately with me. You are an inspiration. Love & Light. Kasia
I love this Melissa. It’s so true that if we change the way we think and feel about things, they get better. I am now enjoying exercising and eating well because I love it rather than feeling it’s what I have to do to try and be skinny. You’ve inspired me to shift my feelings about cleaning too! Much love x Yvette
Hey Yvette, I am so proud of you! xx
I definitely needed to hear this today. I have been struggling everyday with so many external elements whether it is job, car, house, money, exercise and all of my living has become to be better, do better, have better things and it’s taken a massive toll on my mental state. After a complete mental meltdown just the other day I have been trying to ‘fix’ everything again and I now know this as fear. I will be re reading this article and sitting with myself more and looking within me to feel more love. Thank you.
Hey Temma, time to master your mean girl. I am sure you can do it. Sending you so much LOVE! xx
Awesome article Mel. So well articulated. Xx
This week so many things have been pushing me towards finding my truth. Your article just summed them all up perfectly. It’s been a desperate road for many many months and it has only ended up with me bring sick with all stress related issues which is just not me. Now I’m sick of being sick and investigating all the other options. Thank you Melissa for your wonderful words. You introduced me to Bhava Ram (aka Brad Willis) and that is leading me down a most life changing route. I appreciate all of your podcasts and messages and from my heart, with love, thank you❤️
Hey Jenelle, you are most welcome. I am so happy for you. It’s definitely time to take action. All the best! xx
Great read, thank you. Just had a crappy day and this made me adjust my thinking.
Hi Melissa, I want to say thank you for this post. I am in the process of trying to find my way out of a complicated mix of chronic health issues. Autoimmune, histamine intolerance (goodbye delicious wine, avocado, spinach and all the gut healing fermented gems like yoghurt, kefir, and sauerkraut ), suspected systemic candida, and recovering gut from blasto bug, all of which play out in an ever changing aray of symptoms. I do my best to stay positive. I love my yoga, eat very healthy and as varied as I can on a restricted diet, I’ve even started practicing meditation regularly after years of trying to get into it. Ive had to become my own health researcher because most doctors I’ve seen, including some integrative ones, aren’t up on the latest thinking about gut health and the mind body connection. It’s been upsetting many times over, you feel very alone. The searching for a way forward and immersing yourself in podcasts and articles can add to the stress and feeling of overwhelm. It is a very fine line between being proactive, empowered and engaged in your healing and getting so caught up in it from desperation it tips over into anxiety and feeling more isolated. Like you I’m a Bondi gal and I know how very lucky I am-thank God for the beautiful ocean and all the amazing healthy cafes! As I move forward it helps to know you had a similar experience and you came out the other side to find vitality and love. I would love to hear a podcast just about your journey xx Jo
Hey Jo, you are most welcome. That’s a great idea! xx
Wow… this blog post could not have reached my inbox at a better time. Things have been so hectic and only as of yesterday I had the realisation that I need to do me, for me, love me, me me me. I can’t continue to put my happiness or success in anyone else it all comes down to me. My mean girl has sure got the better of me a lot of late and I can’t thank you enough for always making me be able to say goodbye to her. So grateful and as I’m sitting here next to the beach (in cold but sunny Melbourne) I feel amazing. Thanks for spreading that love
Hey Annika, you are most welcome! I am so happy to hear that. Keep mastering your mean girl. You can do it! xx
Beautiful words as always, thank you beautiful <3 Just going through your Goddess Group videos in your mentoring program to really help me to keep choosing love over fear, to make inspired action & be grateful everyday! Your podcasts are also super inspiring so thank you!!
Oh my god I’ve been thinking about this all week. I read Danielle la portes new book and in it she said something along the lines of “the drive for relentless self improvement is criticism.” Cue tears streaming down my face and stunned realization. Thank you for addressing this topic x
Hi Mel!
I have been reading your book and it has made me realise I’ve been making most of my decision from a place of fear not love. Now I feel so much clearer on my vision and am asking myself is this decision in line with my truth? Is it from a place of Love and I’m finding slowly but surely my life is becoming the life I was here to live! There is still a very long way to go but just to feel like I’m on the way is so exciting!
Thank you so much for inspiring me! ❤️
Hey Katie, you are most welcome. That sounds awesome, keep going! xx
Thank you Melissa! This is what I needed right now! I’ve been stuck in a bad job situation and have been so stressed out and has been feeling so weak in my career life that my confidence is lower than ever! And it’s so easy then to feel sorry for yourself, which has led to a very loud Mean Girl… I’m soooo ready to reclaim my power, find a job that I love while still trying to enjoy and find love in my current work situation until I find that new job (which can take months!). That is truly a challenge!
Yes, you can do it! xx
Hi Melissa, with a big and most sincere smile I wish to thank you for this post which is probably my favourite out of all your amazing posts. I have been a member of pretty much most of your groups and have given your book to many close friends as I think you are such a wonderful role model.
I am grateful to you for sharing your journey and for inspiring me to have the courage to share mine! Much love, Natalie
Thank you so much for sharing the love! xx
I love reading your posts Melissa but this one particularly struck home for me. I have been operating from a place of fear for such a long time and honestly, I am so tired of it! Thank you for sharing this, it is just what I needed to hear and thank you for my new mantra which I am going to adopt from a place of love. Cindy x
You are most welcome. Always choose love, hun. xx
I LOVE this Melissa, you are such an inspiration! I have been letting my mean girl (and actually a toxic ‘friend’) tell me I am broken for a long time and I have continually been trying to fix myself. Now I am focusing on self love and being the most authentic version of myself instead. Thank you for being so honest and true to yourself, it inspires me to do the same x
Hey Elena, you are most welcome. Keep mastering your mean girl. xx
SO much I want to comment as I relate to absolutely every scenario you described of “acting from fear rather than love”! But one thing I get asked a lot by friends, my fitness clients (I teach at F45!) and my coaching clients (I’m in training with BYCA!) is – “yeah I can see that BUT [a sign of fear in itself!] sometimes we HAVE to do things, we can’t just quit our jobs and launch our dream business”, and that’s totally fair. (Though I’ve done exactly that a few times haha!!) Something I focus on in that scenario, is that strategy of gratitude – it becomes so powerful in allowing us to see the good in perhaps a not ideal scenario, and use that “place of love” to turn our mindset about it around from one of loathing to one of curiosity – “what positive can I take from this and be grateful for?” So many experiences can flow on from that – a realisation that it’s not as bad as first thought, the discovery of a part of the current job that could actually help in creating that dream business, or the creation of such a positive fire in the belly that we do begin to take those actions step by step to “just quit the job” or make changes that serves us because the practice of gratitude has cultivated more Self Belief as a by product!!
I’m really interested in your thoughts on that!
Totally agree, Kris. If you are in a situation where you are wanting to transition find the love in it. Find the gratitude otherwise, you will feel like you are going crazy. xx
I loved reading this blog post!! I’ve read your book and think that it comes from a place full of passion and healing! I find it very motivating to hear your stories and be able to connect and realise that what we’re feeling deep inside isn’t just within ourselves! Thank you so much for sharing your gratitude and stories!!
You are most welcome. xx
Such an inspiring article, making every words a massive echo in my body, soul and mind. A good reminder that I m still giving too much of my power to others in various area while I try to empower myself. A good reminder! and definitively, with gratitude and love, that is the key! with love from Belgium! I dream our road might cross one day! Delphine
Hey Delphine, thank you. Sending you so much love! xx
I love this Melissa! I remember a year ago I my then 5 yo was complaining bout cleaning up… my motherly voice came through and said “just be grateful you have amazing things to actually clean’..that came from spirit because it was meant for me as well. Now I rarely complain about cleaning after my little ones… I still grumble sometimes if my husband is a slob. Lol… still coming from a place of gratitude and love makes life a very nice place to be in. Thank you beautiful!
That’s fantastic, hun. Always choose love, that’s all that matters. xx
Hi
Because I was always got a beating for making a mistake or breaking something I’d try to be perfect! So now that am older I allow my mean girl beat me up especially when am not perfect At times am so full of fear ! I now see how I allow my mean scare me to death! It’s time to love myself choosing love over fear is the way to go ❤️
Thank you Melissa
Love Ann
Hey Ann, keep mastering your mean girl. You can do it! xx
Just in the 5 minutes it took me to read this my attitude of self love and gratitude has changed! I recently fell into the mindset that if only I could cross everything off my wish list I would be happy and THAT is coming from a place of fear! Thank you for sharing your beautiful wisdom! I love this post!
Hey Cali, you are most welcome. I am sure you can master your mean girl! xx
Thank you so much for boldly declaring truth! I have believed that “we are NOT broken” for the past few years, and yet it goes against many cultural beliefs. Even among good people that I know. I believe that there is a movement in conjunction with being more “vulnerable” that promotes brokenness as a means of connecting to others. The idea that we need to get away from the perfect images portrayed on social media and connect through our brokenness in order to be more “real”. I understand the intention behind this, but all it does is leave people stuck in their life and in the company of others who believe the same. I believe that we are still in development, that we are still growing, we haven’t realized our fullest potential just yet, but this does NOT mean that we are broken. Rather, it is the belief in our wholeness, not brokeness, that is the key to our growth and development.
Hey Brooke, you are most welcome. Love your thinking, really well said! xx
Wow, even just reading the title made me scream “that’s me”. I’m really struggling just now. I have felt like that all my life but a millions times worse for the last 7 months after I found out my husband was having an affair. No self esteem and utter self loathing. Hello from Scotland xx
Hey Dawn, don’t forget you are amazing and strong! I am sure you will be able to get past this and start a new life on a positive note. Sending you so much love. xx
This is so inspirational, Melissa! I can see now that there are a couple of areas of my life where I’m making decisions out of fear not love. Time to fix that.
Gah. Resonates so much! I know I have the power. So why am still struggling to replace fear with love? I have had it up on my vision board since Feb! I know what I should do but I hold myself back at times. Maybe fear of the vulnerability of love? Personally, I don’t like victim mentality and can see that I am falling prey to it due to my personal situation – and I am cross at myself. I think it’s a control thing. I am going to wake up in the morning and re-read this. And be grateful for everything I have and am!! Thank you, Melissa <3 xx
Hey hun, looks like your mean girl is holding you back. Time to master your mean girl and be the best version of yourself. You can do it! xx
OMG! thanks so much for sharing this words. I have so deep in me this idea of being broken and need to be fixed, and also like you I´ve been looking so much help outside, absolutely from a place of fear, now I can totally see why they were not succesfull. I really want to change my perspective and start trusting more in my inner power, but my mean girl is too annoying to let me do this easily. I will get your book ASAP, because I need more of this wise and inspiring words, and make the change from a place of love. Thank you!
Hey Vicky, I am sure you can master your mean girl, keep going! xx
Hi, I am at a major crossroads and have spent months trying to decide whether it is a good decision to retire next year from my present job or continue for five more years. My heart knows that I am not enjoying the work anymore. My dream is to spend time improving my cooking skills and preparing healthy and delicious food. My fear is loss of income. Reading your article today clarifies things for me and I see that the choice is really very simple when I follow my heart. Thank you!
Hey Linda, you are most welcome. So proud of you! xx
It’s my birthday tomorrow. It’s been a strange year, tough somehow: a major earthquake in my area here in Italy, my dad died a few months ago… I have felt the urge to reframe my thinking. Among the many things I would like to do, I have decided that my gift to myself is prioritizing sef-love. I need, I WANT to love myself because I want to love profoundly everybody around. Or what are we living for? (Almost midnight, already getting older and wiser 😀 ).
Thanks a lot for your post, so sweet, like all of your writing.
Happy belated birthday, hun. Wishing you all the best! xx
Thank you. Such a big message!
Thank you for writing such a beautiful and inspirational piece. I love the “Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes”. Been there and did that. I changed everything 10 years ago. Even though I’m not at rock bottom and have a wonderful man in my life that has inspired me to the fullest, I understand the mean girl. Be strong, Live life to the fullest, and don’t worry about what others will say. It’s your life, and do what makes you happy and love yourself.
Hey Laura, nice one! Always choose love, that’s the key to happiness. xx
Dear Melissa,
Thank you so much for posting a new blog entry. I always love reading your insight and encouragement in old school black and white.
I have learned to live with the flows of being bi-polar, but last year just about crushed me. I was in a very deep whole, for a very long time, and yet somehow knew that that was exactly where I needed to be at the time and in those moments. I could see the sky above, and all the reasons to stay on this planet, and all the people I loved and who loved me, but knew I just needed to really feel and be in that deep, dark, hole.
I had tried, and tried and tried, and was constantly doing, doing, and doing. I was seeing my psychiatrist, seeing my psychologist, taking my meds daily, working out, journaling, reading, sleeping, eating well, getting my gut undercontrol, etc…, etc.., etc… But nothing was working. I wasn’t feeling or getting any “better”.
And then I decided to stop trying.
I decided to just stop trying to get better, feel better, look better, act better, be better. I stopped trying to be the best better partner, mom, friend, daughter, sister, colleague. I decided to just stop trying so damn hard.
While at a fabulous, personalised health retreat (rather than the psychiatric ward at a private hospital), I took their suggestion to just BE. I took their suggestion to be a human BEing and not a human DOing. I decided to just be. I decided to stop trying so f**king hard at everything, all the time. I decided to give myself a break. To let the house get messy. To eat things I enjoyed. To stop working out because I wasn’t enjoying it. I gave myself permission, to just be, in whatever that looked like at that time.
Because here’s the thing I learned. Yes I have a real mental illness. And yes I have real gatro issues. But I’m NOT broken. And if I’m not broken, then guess what… I don’t need to be fixed! And if I don’t need to be fixed, that I don’t have to get better!
No one was telling me I was broken. No one was telling me to get better. It was all me in my perfectionist and over-achieving ways.
More than six months later, I’m still learning to be. I’m still reminding myself to stop doing and trying so hard. After 36 years on this planet, I figure re-learning how to be, and reminding myserlf that I’m actually ok will take a little while, and that it totally fine with me.
x
Hey Andrea, thank you so much for sharing, that’s so inspiring. So proud of you. Sending you so much love! xx
Just what I needed today. Thank you so much ❤
I am 58 years old no job and going through a marriage break up after 34 years. My daughter had a serious suicide attempt 2 weeks ago. My health has taken a hammering as well. Financially there is extremely little. So how do I find that place of love and turn my life around? Grief and sadness seem to consume me constantly.
Hi Michele, I am sending you so much love right now and hope you have a lot of support around you. If you don’t please reach out to friends and family and get some extra support. You can also support yourself by listening to some of my podcast episodes, I think you would get a lot out of them and they may help start to lift some of the pain. In particular, I think you would love this episode with Neale Donald Walsch. Have a listen and please reach out if there is anything else I can do to support you. Also, have you read my book Mastering Your Mean Girl yet? I think you would also get a lot out of that. xx
I came across your page today. And this article really hit home with me. I’ve got 2 kids and thinking about going back to work scares me to no end.
How do I leave them for a job that I hate and won’t enjoy. I want to find that passion in work! I want to do something that means something to someone.
I definitely need to work hard and put myself first. Thanks for this post!!
Hey Tamika, I am sure you can find something that you truly enjoy doing. Don’t give up! xx
Hi Melissa,
This is resonating for me today, thank you for your wise words. I am healing from chronic fatigue syndrome, and having mental health challenges through this recovery phase. I oscillate between looking outside for relief and support, and then realising I actually need to be heading inwards to that inner place of love and care I have within me. Easy to say but often so hard to put into practice.
Caitlin
Hey Caitlin, I believe in you. You can do it, hun! xx
EPIC. Blog. Post. Truly needed a reminder about fear town and looking inwards for the answers! Be still-
And they will come. Thanks once again lovely
I’m feeling so lost and broken at the moment, i feel like i have hit my bottom and my body is suffering because of the stress I’m putting on myself. do i choose financial freedom or happiness with my partner with uncertainty of work.
I’m trying to tell myself its going to be okay and i am strong enough to overcome this hurdle in life by dealing with the temporary arrangements but its so hard feeling like I’m missing out on these moments with my partner.
Melissa inspires me everyday through her podcasts, instagram and her book she gets me through my days at work. Thank you Melissa for doing what you do. x
Hey Tamika, what does your heart say? Always follow your heart, hun. xx
So inspiring Melissa, thank you!
Just the words I needed to read right now x
Thanks Melissa, just what I needed today. That’s me in fear city!! So today I cancelled 3 appointments, Nutrionalist, Counsellor & Physcologist. All to try & fix me no more because it’s not working anyway & I’m on this crazy trip to fear town. I’m just going to sit & sit & sit. It’s what I know I want to do & need to do but I never do xx
WOW!! Amazing honey. Enjoy sitting in stillness, it truly is blissful. xx
I loved this and constantly need reminding that I hold all the answers, so thank you ❤️. I have finally found myself in a place where I’m aligning myself with things that make me feel good, however I still feel the need to listen to every podcast and read every personal growth book to figure out how to be more. I listen to all your podcast feeling inspired, but also feeling as if I need to create a list of all the things that need improving! You remind us often that we are enough just as we are, so how do you find the balance? xx
Great question honey. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to grow and learn but do it from an already full place and deep knowing that you are already whole and complete. Instead of doing it from a place of lack, thinking that you need improving or fixing. Does that make sense, angel? There’s a big difference one is from love and one from fear. Make sure you are doing it from a place of love and it will feel a lot different. xx
Yes, completely makes sense. Thank you for all that you share! xx
It shocked me straight away: ‘You are not broken’. I re-read this aloud to myself in wonder, ‘I am not broken, I do not need fixing’. I always thought I was so strong until recently, unbreakable. Then I broke. To read this jolted my despaired and exhausted stupor.
This was such a beautiful reminder in my lowest of places, when there has been so much tragedy and heartache. My world completely crazy and out of control.. The bowl of love for myself siphoned by my various ‘failures’ replaying over and over in my mind. Even trying to imagine it filled again means the battle with the Mean Girl in me has restarted, that I deserve love. The pain is not as suffocating and there is hope instead of choking despair. Thank you, I really felt loved and nurtured with your words x
You are so welcome sista. xx
Love reading your stuff and listening to your podcasts Melissa.
I read your book about 10 months ago on my new journey in life and it helped me so much
I still pick it up often and read sections to remind myself I have the choice to change anything in my life.
I now love loving and choosing love!
Thank you! ❤️❤️
Yay, that’s so awesome! So proud of you, hun. xx
I have definitely been on the constant roller coaster of putting my power outside myself. I kept thinking what the hell is wrong with me if all these professionals can’t fix me and why can’t I help myself with their guidance? It wasn’t until I came across you (and Marisa Peer) that I’ve realised I am not broken.
I have recently had a falling out with and walked away from my inlaws as I believe they are truely toxic (victim mentality, compulsive lying, emotional manipulation, constant gossiping/bitching, drama over everything….). I’ve finally come to a place where I no longer feel guilty about wanting nothing to do with them because I am caring for myself (who deserves my love and attention more than they do right now).
What I am struggling with though, is my decision to remove my inlaws from my children’s (4 and 1.5 years) lives. My inlaws are so toxic that I have no doubt they will go out of their way to emotionally manipulate my kids and do things with them that I don’t approve of just to spite me. Can I justify removing these people from my children’s lives based on love for their wellbeing or is this just simply a decision of fear? And if it is out of fear, how do you protect such innocent minds (and your own relationship with your children) from manipulation from those they look up to and love unconditionally?
xxxx
Hey Camille, thank you so much for your questions. Only you know if it’s truly from love or fear. If they truly will manipulate your children then I would remove them from that environment and let go of any guilt you may feel. You can only do what you feel is true in your heart and you must follow that. If we don’t follow our truth the Universe will come and give us a kick up the but until we do. Trust yourself and your heart, it always has the answers. I hope that helps angel and remember to listen to your heart. xx
Hi Melissa,
So I just learned about the “Mean Girl” from you and it all resonates so well. I have operated out of fear for some time now and after reading your article, I am excited to make a change and do things out of love and not fear. Yesterday, I did just that, I enrolled in a certificate program at the ripe young age of 54. I walked in to take my entrance test and register for school from a place of love and respect for myself, a feeling different for me to experience, however I have been working on this in the past few months of my life (self compassion), what a difference it has made. I believe wholeheartedly that is why I was able to do for myself out of love and made a conscious choice to not go forth with fear. I am excited to make some new changes going forward, thank you for sharing your incredible insights and know for sure, nothing changes if nothing changes, been down that road for too long……i have decided to take a different path and surely it is making all the difference. Goodbye Mean Girl, oh I know she is still around however I will love her to a place of health and not allow her fear to wreak the havoc she has all this time. Loving my healing and happy I have come across your page. I will be an avid reader:)))))
Hey Dani, that is amazing, I am so proud of you. Our mean girl will be there, but once we learned to master our mean girl, nothing can stop us! xx
This is something that is so hard for me to get through. I know I need to change my mindset but my mean girl is screaming! I love this mantra and it will become my home screen on my phone. I need to not expect, I know let go of expectations, that I need to do a.b,c to be happy. I just need to be and live in the moment. Deep breathes. I know when I’m coming from a place of love I can feel it, and I can feel it when it is fear. I just haven’t been able to shift from fear to love.
Hey Laura, I can totally relate as I used to feel the exact same. Have you read my book Mastering Your Mean Girl yet? I think you will get a lot out of it. xx
This is lovely Melissa. Looking forward to your next post and book! X
Thank you for this! I wrote the mantra in my board so I can be reminded of it all the time! I totally resonate with this. What I’ve noticed recently is that my relationships have been out of fear and not out of love, fear of being alone or not finding “the one”. In relationships I’ve looked for ways to be filled by the other person and then be disappointed that’s not the case… but what I’ve learned is that it is not the other person’s job to make me feel fulfilled, it is my job to find happiness and freedom within. Lifting him of that responsibility also liberated me and I find more space to love him when I’m not putting all that pressure on him.
This is something I’m still struggling with and have many doubts of this relationship… not sure if I don’t feel the connection with him because I’m still putting many expectations on him or simply we are not meant to be.
Hey Laura, I can totally relate as I used to do the exact same thing. You are going to love my new book Open Wide which is out December 2017, but in the mean time have you read Mastering Your Mean Girl yet? I talk a lot about relationships and I think you would get loads out of it. Have a read and let me know what you think. xx
Hello Melissa Thank you for these words , i also visited some healers doctors and much more people.. to help me fill the emptiness inside me and help me to find the reason for it because i can,t. These people were all great lovely people and helped me to look inside my heart and to listen to my inner child that always wants us something to Teach. The greatest Gift is Life that s Why it called the present♡ we only can be happy from the inside. Only i can Make a better me for myself. In School years i often call ugly and some bad names. It was years ago(10 years) but these things are on my Mind since now. But i hope i also learn to love myself and accept me. Thank you for the great work you do Every day. And help people too see that life is a Beautiful Gift. Lovely greetings from munich in bavaria 🙂
Melissa you truly are a gem. This crossed my path for a reason. 2 years ago I hit rock bottom. 12 months ago I left a relationship. 12 months since I have wings & im flying. I am in a place of self love, self acceptance & honouring myself. Hey I even had a ceremony with some friends under the full moon on the 8th of August. I married myself & kicked the mean girl to the curb. Whilst I still have days I recognise it straight away & change my thoughts.
Thank you for this beautiful piece of awesomeness that you wrote & thank you for the mantra that now lives on my mirror. I am. It Broken
Love it sista and love that you married yourself. That’s awesome! Keep shining angel. You totally got this. xx
You are amazing and such an inspiration. I purchased your book a year ago when I hit my rock bottom and was in and out of hospital suffering from panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I broke up with a long term boyfriend who I was living with and I was very stressed with work. I saw a psychologist for about 6 months and learnt a lot about myself during this time but still felt like I wasn’t making progress. I took time off work and started seeing a new psychologist who helped me leave my boyfriend and make positive career changes. I moved house 3 times in 6 months and finally found a place to call home and feel at peace in my space. I have taken up regular yoga practice again and have returned to the classroom and am showing more appreciation and connectedness to my students, family and friends everyday. I include meditation in my daily routine and take the time out for myself to really appreciate my situation and show more gratitude for the world. I have your self-love menu up on my wall to remind me to look after myself which will in turn mean I’m a better friend to be around. I know I’m getting closer to reaching my goals and being on the right path and you have definitely helped with that, so thank you!
Oh honey, music to my ears. I am so proud of you. Keep going sista. You got this. xx
I will try very hard to come from a place of love fear seems to have taken over and
I have been in awful place after my husband of 33 years decided he didn’t want to be married anymore it broke me completely
I couldn’t focus on work I never left the house unless I had to and I cry everyday
My daughter gave me your book because I was so low and the mean girl was in charge she gave it to me and said ‘mum please read this I think it will help you ‘ so I am
It’s been the worst time in my life I’m still in it working on myself as my heart is broken I no it
I have never felt pain like it
Much love to you
Jo
Oh angel, I am sending you so much love. Have you started reading it yet? I would love to hear how it’s resonating with you. Please keep me posted. xx
I absolutely loved this blog post! Awhile ago I asked you if you could recommend a health professional in Sydney..You recommended Kylie Seaton. I wanted to send you the biggest THANK YOU. Kylie is currently treating me for Lyme, co-infections and gut issues. She is absolutely amazing! If you hadn’t recommended her I wouldn’t have found her. Thank you so so much, from the bottom of my heart xx
You’re so welcome, angel. She is amazing right! Keep me posted with your journey. xx
Hi Melissa
I´ve been through this post more than a couple of time. And while I was reading it, again and again, tears just come more and more from me.
While I can be the best one to just shut up my emotion with binge eating and all kind of creepy things I can probably do to sabotage myself, I just took a minute (ok maybe an hour) today to ask myself why this post makes me feel the way it does.
And in the middle of thousand and thousand thoughts and supposition, I just realise why, and the worst is that I know I already had the answer within me since the beggining.
This post is hard for me because it show me the truth about myself: I am not broken.
You can´t believe how much I have wished that I was broken and that something in this world could fix me. Because if it was, I wouldn´t have to take the responsibility for how I feel, what I do, what happen and how I create everything.
It would be so much easier for me to just blame the whole world, anyone and just accept that it´s not my fault.
But that is not the truth, that is my Mean Girl running the show and finding excuses to let me think that I am not worthy enough and that is the only way my life can be because I do not control anything, while in reality she is dancing all around.
This is so wrong!
For sure I still wish that something or someone could just fix me as it would be the easier option to find answer in my life.
But the beauty of this world is that we are up to us, that we are the actor and author of our world and that we are the only one who can change our life and decide to write another chapter if the actual one doest not make us happy. the funniest thing is that I have a tattoo on my wrist, a waking symbol, which mean “create your own reality”.
I think I have to stop letting my Mean Girl pretending that I need to wait to be save because I dont need to be save, I need to start living the life I dream of.
So Mel, thank you for this absolutely beautiful, truthful, honest article.
I love you so much
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte,
I just really felt like responding to your comment. I think you have SO much courage to be this honest with yourself. I relate a lot to what you’re writing, and you sound so full of power already. The first step is to be aware of these beliefs and old stories we are running in our head.
I truly hope that you have gotten deeper connected to yourself, and started to acknowledge all the power you have within.
So much love and light to you,
Kind regards
Signe
Signe,
How are you?
ì have just seen your comment now and want thank you do much for your reply.
Thank you, I am deeply grateful.
Much Love
Charlotte
Dear Charlotte
I am sorry for my late reply, but I just wanted to let you know that I was so full of joy to receive your message!! If you in any way feel like connecting and talk more, then I am both on Facebook as ‘Signe Bjerre’ and Instagram as Signe Castle.
I hope you are doing amazing and that life is smiling and shining on you 🙂
Lots of love and light to you,
Signe
Hi Melissa what I read from you so inspiring I loved. what is the best thins to do when you love face to thread? I am in fear.
Hey Rezwan, I am not sure what you mean?
Dear Melissa,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have read it earlier, but then it showed up again in my FB feed – it’s funny how you always read/see/hear the things your supposed to, in the most beautiful timing.
I have become very aware of this part of during the last couple of years; how I have always given my power away to others, not trusted myself, not seen my own worth in anything (always felt that I had to say sorry for kinda just being around), always thought that others knew better and put myself in dangerous situations because of that, never trusting myself or having my own back. I had a pretty good story going of being a victim, and unconsciously I just kept adding to that story. At some point I had really hit bottom (I thought I had hit it before, but not like this), but this was the feeling of: “I have got to change something, otherwise this pattern is gonna repeat itself and it will only get worse and worse”.
I had no idea what to do or how to change it – I had tried so many years in therapy, but without any lasting results. I had waited 5 months for a trauma treatment, just to have it cancelled the day before.
This voice in my head kept telling me: “you have to do something diffrent” and when the treatment got cancelled, I contacted this woman I had run into and I had a feeling that she could help me. I thought in the beginning that she could fix me, haha, but she has done something completely different. As she says then she has not done anything, but to hold space for me and show me how to access all the knowledge I have inside. That all of the loving, knowledge, compassion, support etc etc comes from inside of me and NO ONE else, as many of us probably have been taught. What a relief!! I can definitely say that this has changed my life and the way I view myself – it feels amazing to know that I have my own back today and that I am worthy.
Of course fears still come up and old beliefs, and the idea that someone out there knows better than me what to do, but today I am able to look at those thoughts and beliefs with love and compassion for myself. Able to upgrade my beliefs about myself and note when my victim aspect wants to run the show.
Thank you once again Melissa, I am in such awe of all the love and light that you share with the world, and all of your podcast – some of them have changed my life!
Much love,
Signe
Thank you so much for your kind words honey and thank you for sharing all that. I am so proud of you and know you totally got this. You’re amazing angel and should feel so proud of yourself. Keep going beautiful, you got this! xx
Thank you so much Melissa for responding. Yes, I am gonna keep on walking this beautiful path!
Much love,
Signe
Hello Melissa,
I just want to say this was a truly beautiful and inspiring post. Recently I’ve gone through a breakup that cracked something wide open in me – the need for change. Not change to meet someone else, not change for the ex, not change to impress people. Real change for my own happiness. I have spent so much time trying to make others happy that I feel so lost and at times an not even sure who I am anymore. Now I am recommitting myself to a new journey to find myself and what makes me happy. I am even considering blogging about it as a way to share with others who might be going through the same transition in their lives! Thank you so much for your positive uplifting words. I LOVE your blog and podcast.
Thank you for your kind words angel. And yes please do share your learnings because I am sure it will inspire so many others. So proud of you sista. Keep shining. xx
Thank you, this message was perfectly placed at the perfect time for me. The Universe in motion as always.
The perfect message always appears at the perfect time. xx
I am so grateful to my beautiful friend who suggested I download your podcasts and introduced me to the amazing woman you are! I have had the most topsy turvy year, ending a relationship, and having to start out on my own at the age of 36, then having an accident which left me seriously injured and unable to live independently (thanks Mum and Dad for taking care of me and my dog). Following you on social media and listening to your podcasts inspires me daily. I’ve improved far quicker than specialists predicting and am coming out of this stronger and wiser! ✨ Thank you Mel
I am so proud of you Sally and so glad my work is deeply resonating. Keep listening and reading sista. I LOVE supporting you. xx
Lovely words! Putting the actual affirmations on a mirror is a great idea (I used to have my Italian vocab there) 🙂
We have them all over our whole house. Try it honey it’s a great reminder. xx
Dear Melissa,
Thank you for your words. The world is lucky to have you spreading the love. I am so inspired!!
Warmest
Ceara xx
Thank you so much Ceara, I am so grateful for your kind words angel. xx
I don’t know what I’d do without you you’re such a inspiration, I read your book “Mastering Your Mean Girl” countless times, I even created a pocket book full of reminders from your book. Whenever I am feeling lost I come back to it and reread your words. A few days ago I went through something that I’m just having trouble letting go of and moving forward from (I know you said to cut out alcohol I so stupidly made bad decisions and ruined pretty much everything being in that state & not listening) but thanks to you I am constantly burried in your words and its giving me some sort of solitude and prob one of the only few things keeping me up. I am soo beyond grateful you exist and that i came across your book. Stay amazing.
Thank you so much for your kind words, Monica. I am so proud of you and loved that you created a pocketbook. I would love to see it. Can you take a photo on social media and tag me in it so I can check it out honey?
Thankyou just is the beginning to how you have helped me through a 2018 discovery year as I navigate what I really want out of this wonderful life. I still remember the day I was out for a run in the wonderful hills behind our house and I received a podcast share (from my younger sister who just knew that I needed some inspiration) and your podcasts hit my ears on that run. I remember coming home feeling uplifted and wanted to keep on listening. Since this day I have been hooked.! Your ever inspiring words, mantras, podcasts and wonderful books have been a much needed addition to my life and at such an amazing time.
Thankyou Melissa for all the you do, you are truly inspiring. Much love x
Oh Anna, this is music to my ears. I am so glad and so proud of you. Keep doing the inner work angel and living your dream life. You got this! xx
Great post! Love your story. It’s so inspiring! I listen to your podcast all the time, too. Love, love, love. Thanks for all the good you put out into the world!
Pleasure angel. Thank YOU for tuning in each week. xx