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Have you ever found yourself dealing with someone you suspect is a narcissist?

Or wished you knew how to stay calm during emotionally charged interactions?

Or been unsure how to respond when someone starts manipulating the conversation — or worse, manipulating you?

Get ready for this inspiring and highly practical conversation with top negotiation expert and bestselling author, Rebecca Zung. Rebecca is the creator of the SLAY® method, a groundbreaking strategy that teaches you how to master the art of negotiation in both personal and professional situations — even when faced with the most challenging personalities.

Tune in to learn: what a narcissist really is and how to identify one, how to outmaneuver narcissists while protecting your emotional well-being, the common mistakes people make when dealing with high-conflict personalities, how to build resilience in difficult relationships, why negotiating like you M.A.T.T.E.R. is a game-changer, and how to set firm non-negotiables in your relationships.

So if you want to learn the secrets of negotiating like a pro, communicating with confidence, and staying emotionally grounded, then press play now — this one’s for you!

About Rebecca Zung

Rebecca Zung is a globally sought after expert in the art of negotiation and high conflict communication. Speaking on platforms worldwide, she is also a bestselling author of several books (including ‘SLAY the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win’) as well as a YouTube celebrity, garnering more than 40 million views in just 3 years.

In this episode we chat about:

• How she went from being one of the top 1% of attorneys in the U.S. to an expert in dealing with narcissists (03:49)
• How the SLAY® method can help you negotiate with a narcissist — and win (06:27)
• The common traps people fall into when dealing with challenging personalities (15:46)
• How often are you likely to encounter people with narcissistic tendencies in everyday life? (21:38)
• Learn how to negotiate like you M.A.T.T.E.R. and gain the upper hand in any negotiation (22:39)
• How to safeguard your mental and emotional resilience in high-conflict relationships (25:41) 
• Why setting clear non-negotiables is crucial for maintaining strong, healthy relationships (31:04)
• The critical reason why you should never try to carry a relationship on your own  (34:35)
• The #1 book she wishes was in the high school curriculum (38:30)
• How mantras and gratitude can be the key to thriving in every area of your life (39:42)

Episode resources:

• SheLaunch (join here)
• Mastering Your Mean Girl by Melissa Ambrosini (book)
• Open Wide by Melissa Ambrosini (book)
• Comparisonitis by Melissa Ambrosini (book)
• Time Magic by Melissa Ambrosini and Nick Broadhurst (book)
• SLAY the Bully: How to Negotiate with a Narcissist and Win by Rebecca Zung (book) 
• Negotiate Like You M.A.T.T.E.R.: The Sure Fire Method to Step Up and Win by Rebecca Zung (book)
• Rebecca Zung (website)
• Rebecca Zung (Youtube Channel)
• Rebecca Zung (Instagram)
• Negotiate Your Best Life (podcast)
• 15 Key Phrases To Disarm A Narcissist (website)
• Crush My Negotiation Worksheet (website)
• The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book) by Don Miguel Ruiz (book)

Prefer To Read?

Melissa: [00:00:00] In episode 615 with Rebecca Zung, we are talking all about narcissistic relationships and how to deal with narcissists and challenging high conflict relationships. Plus so much more. Welcome to the Melissa Ambrosini show. I’m your host, Melissa, best selling author of Mastering Your Mean Girl, Open Wide, Comparisonitis, And I’m here to remind you that love is sexy, healthy is liberating, and wealthy isn’t a dirty word.

Each week, I’ll be getting up close and personal with thought leaders from around the globe, as well as your weekly dose of motivation so that you can create epic change in your own life and become the best version of yourself possible. Are you ready, beautiful? Hey beautiful. Welcome back to the show.

I’m so excited about this episode because, can you believe, over 600 episodes [00:01:00] and we’ve never spoken about narcissists. And it is so common. And you may not even realize that you have a narcissistic relationship with a friend or a family member or a boss or someone that you work with. And this episode is really going to shine light on that, help you identify, and also help you deal with narcissistic relationships, but also high conflict relationships.

And we’re going to give you so many tools, tips, and tricks on how to have better relationships. And for those of you that have never heard of Rebecca, she is a globally sought after expert in the art of negotiating and high conflict communication. She has spoken on platforms worldwide and she is a best selling author of several books including Slay the Bully, How to Negotiate with a Narcissist, and Win.

She is a YouTube celebrity with over 40 million views in just three years. She’s the founder of the S. L. A. Y. Method of Negotiating with Narcissists, and her programs have transformed thousands of lives in more than a hundred [00:02:00] countries and on every continent. Now, prior to this career, she was in the top 1 percent of attorneys in the nation, having been recognized by U. News as one of the best lawyers in America. But her journey wasn’t always easy. She was married at 19 the first time, she had three children by the age of 23, and then was divorced, and a single mom when she decided to go back to law school. She went from being a single mom and a college dropout to becoming one of the most powerful lawyers in the country at the helm of a multi million dollar practice.

Her perspectives are in high demand by television print outlets and she has been featured in Extra, Forbes, Huffington Post, Newsweek, Time and Dr. Drew. Now her podcast, Negotiate Your Best Life is ranked in the top 0. 5 percent of all podcasts globally, which is just amazing. And she is now remarried and a mom of four kids, and she is committed to sharing her secrets and empowering others to live their dream life.

And for everything that we mentioned in [00:03:00] melissaambrosini.com. Now, without further ado, let’s bring on the amazing Rebecca Zung.

Rebecca, welcome to the show. I am so excited to have you here, but before we dive in, can you tell us what you had for breakfast this morning? 

Rebecca: Oh my gosh, I had what I always have, which is like a green shake. It’s like so kind of boring, but It is what I always have. It’s like a green shake. It has like veggies and fruits and things in it.

And I always mix it with oat milk. Is that kind of boring? But that’s what I always have. Yummy. Sounds delicious. No, that’s 

Melissa: my type of breakfast. I like that. Now, hun, I want to know how you got into this work and I want to know what is a narcissist? Because a lot of the work that you do is around [00:04:00] helping people communicate with narcissists.

So what is a narcissist and how did you get into this work? 

Rebecca: So the way I like to describe a narcissist is from a layman’s perspective, and it’s a person who feels the most pain, the most shame, the most small on the planet. And so they get off. on making other people feel small. And that’s how they go around in the world.

They get energy from external sources, from other sources in the, in the world. And that’s why they’re just so difficult to be around. And that’s why you feel zapped from energy from being around them. And that’s why they just don’t have any empathy because it’s like as if a person has a massive toothache and all they can feel is their own pain and their own shame.

So that’s really what a narcissist is in a nutshell. And how I got into it, really, I started studying narcissism as an attorney. I’ve been [00:05:00] an attorney since the year 2000, so 24 years. And I really started studying narcissism because it started coming up in my practice in the last, I would say seven, eight, nine years, a lot of people started saying this person’s a narcissist or that person’s a narcissist.

So I really started studying narcissism so we could beat them in the courtroom and win against them in trials or in mediation. And And then a few years ago, I merged my practice with a couple of other guys and decided I was really more of an entrepreneur at heart. And one of the people that I got into business with turned out to be a female covert passive aggressive narcissist.

And it ended up to be one of the most heinous, horrible experiences of my life. And I felt like I was being bullied again as a kid. I was [00:06:00] bullied as a child and I really hadn’t experienced anything like that since I was bullied as a kid. And so it really sent me down a whole rabbit hole of studying narcissism because of that, honestly.

And so I really became much more passionate about studying how to negotiate with a narcissist once again because of that. 

Melissa: Mm. So interesting. Your journey, your story, you went from being a single mom, a college dropout to one of the top 1 percent of attorneys in the nation. That’s so inspiring, babe. And you developed the S.

1. A. Y. method specifically for negotiating with narcissists. So can you walk us through the key components of this method and explain why it is so effective in dealing with I’m not sure what you’re talking about. and really have high conflict personalities. Cause I’m sure a lot of people listening, they might have a narcissist in their life, [00:07:00] they may not, but I know a lot of people know what a challenging person or a challenging individual is like to communicate with, to deal with.

So can you talk us through that method? 

Rebecca: So, most people think. Well, a narcissist might just be a person that you just might as well just give up. I can’t negotiate with that. I’ve heard that so often. Like you might as well just give up. Oh, don’t bother. Or they just think it’s some kind of big bully. I know for me, I thought a narcissist was a male misogynist, fill the room, boasting, bragging, maybe a really impulsive person.

Man. I didn’t think of a narcissist as a female, covert, passive aggressive. person who might be kind of a victim, who might be super nice to everybody else, who everybody thought was kind and wonderful. I didn’t think of a [00:08:00] narcissist in that way before. So I think that, you know, a lot of times it’s kind of interesting for people to start wondering, wait a minute, am I married to a narcissist?

Maybe I’m the narcissist, you know, like what’s going on in my world. And so they start getting on the internet going. Hey, the crazy one, what’s going on? And it’s at that point that they start to realize, wait a minute, this is not right. If this person’s trying to make me think that I’m crazy, I know this conversation took place and they’re trying to make me think that I didn’t, or I know that text message doesn’t look right.

Like. If something’s actually going on between those two people and I see that, or I know that the way that they’re making me feel isn’t right, or whatever it is, then if it smells like a duck, walks like a duck, acts like a duck, then it’s probably a duck, right? [00:09:00] And so then you know that you’re probably dealing with a narcissist at that point.

And that’s when you can start to go, wait a minute, maybe I shouldn’t be in this relationship. Whether it’s a personal relationship or a professional relationship. And that’s when you can start to think about maybe how do I negotiate with this person or how do I communicate with this person from a powerful place?

Because by the time you’ve already figured that out, your brain is in such brain fog, usually. And, and your cognitive function is so clogged usually that you don’t even know where to start a lot of times. And that’s where I come into the picture because I think many people feel just so beat up and so mentally exhausted at that point, they don’t even know where to start.

Melissa: So talk to us about the SLAY method. What is that? 

Rebecca: Yeah. [00:10:00] So S starts for strategy and strategy is where you have your vision. You just start with where do I want to go? What’s my vision of my life or the end of the negotiation? Or whatever it is that you’re trying to do in your particular situation. And I usually always try to think of it in terms of long term or short term.

So in the immediate term, you know, do I want to be respected in this particular situation? So every single person, whoever you are, you deserve to be respected. So I always say step one, don’t run. Step two, make a U turn. Step three, break free. I deserve respect in this particular situation. So no matter who they are, your mom, your sister, your brother, whoever it is, your boss, your ex husband, your soon to be ex, whatever it is, [00:11:00] respond, don’t react, observe, don’t absorb, put that invisible Teflon down around yourself and just start to look at that person as if they’re a toddler having a tantrum on the floor and start to observe them.

Okay. And then also having a long term vision. Where do you want to go in your negotiations or whatever it is that you want to accomplish, whether it’s dealing with them in a boss situation or maybe it’s a divorce situation, wherever it is. What do you want from your life or from that negotiation? So that’s the strategy.

That’s the vision. Where do you want to go? That’s S. All right. And then L stands for leverage and leverage is all based on the narcissistic supply. So narcissists need an endless amount of supply. It’s all based on how they look to the world in a lot of ways. But for [00:12:00] narcissists, it’s an endless amount of ego driven activities, right?

So. It’s how they look to the world, which is reputation. It could be their friends, it could be celebrity, it could be big houses, it could be money, it could be prestige, anything like that. Or it could be power, it could be smearing people, which I call co level supply. It could be pushing people down to make themselves feel good.

One form of supply is always going to be better than the other, which is that diamond level supply. That diamond level supply is always going to be trumping that coal level supply. So when you go to build your leverage, you always have to figure out what’s their diamond level form of supply. Because if you can’t get your case resolved or your negotiation, or you can’t get them to leave you [00:13:00] alone, what, you know, if there’s something going on that that narcissist isn’t leaving you alone, is continuing to make your life miserable in some way.

Maybe they’re moving goalposts in a negotiation, or maybe they’re continuing to come back into your DMs and Instagram or whatever it is. It’s because they’re getting some kind of supply from manipulating you in some way. So what you have to do is figure out some form of leverage where you are threatening a source of supply that’s more important for them to protect or defend.

Or keep than the supply that they get from manipulating you. And how you do that is through your leverage. You do that through documentation, through your emails, through your witnesses, through [00:14:00] your communication, through all of the documentation that you have in your possession, which I show you how to do in the program.

And then A is anticipate. Anticipate what they are going to do and be two steps ahead of them. So you know they’re going to try to bait you. You know they’re going to try to trigger you. You know they’re going to try to needle you. I always say that dealing with a narcissist is like getting arrested.

Whatever you do or say is going to be used against you. So you have to have methods. You have to have things in your toolkit to, Shut them down. So I have like 30 different methods of stopping them and knowing the type of narcissist that you’re dealing with as well. You know, whether it’s a, a covert or a malignant or a grandiose, they all act differently in different types of situations.[00:15:00] 

And then the why is you and your mindset and your power position and you knowing your authentic power and you knowing that you can win and you constantly staying on the offensive. By employing this, you just always win every single time. And through my program, through the SLAY program, I mean, I’ve helped more than 10, 000 people in the last four years.

Through my coaching certification, just since I’ve launched it in the last year, I’ve certified hundreds of coaches and continue to have many people come into the program every single day. So super excited about it because it actually does work and it transforms lives. 

Melissa: Yeah, it’s really interesting. I just find this so fascinating.

So, obviously there’s varying degrees of narcissism. So, there might be someone who just has slight narcissistic tendencies and then there’s like the other end of the spectrum, severe narcissism. [00:16:00] So, does a narcissist Know that they’re a narcissist. 

Rebecca: No. In fact, they think it’s everybody else’s fault. And second, yes, we all have actually some narcissistic traits and tendencies.

We all do. And yes, it is definitely a spectrum. And I mean, they definitely project and deflect, right? It’s definitely everybody else. They have no self awareness. 

Melissa: So if you’re listening to this and you’re thinking, Oh, maybe that person I’m dealing with is a narcissist. If they’re constantly deflecting, constantly making you feel bad about yourself, maybe it is a boss.

Maybe it is a family member. Maybe it is a partner. A lot of people, they feel really powerless. When dealing with these narcissists, especially in negotiations. So what are some common mistakes that people make in these situations and how can they [00:17:00] shift the power dynamic in their favor? 

Rebecca: Great question. So one of the biggest mistakes that I see people making.

Is they think, well, I’ll just give them something at the beginning and they’ll see how good I’m being and they’ll respond and they’ll reciprocate. They don’t respond or reciprocate. They just are entitled. They just think it’s mine anyway. And they just take. So that’s one big, huge mistake. Another big, huge mistake is thinking that they’re going to somehow be able to get closure from a narcissist, like getting them to see their side or trying to get them to feel anything about them or getting them to acknowledge anything that they’ve done for them.

Because normally in [00:18:00] a narcissistic relationship, it’s been very, very one sided. So, the person has done a lot for them, so they think that they’re going to get that person to see their side, that they’re not going to. Another huge mistake is thinking that the person has changed or is going to change.

Because a lot of times what they’ll see from a narcissist is a narcissist will change temporarily just to manipulate a situation because they want that person to come back into the fold to continue to give them supply again. So they change, like, they’ll be horrible and heinous and then they do something called push pull.

So, like, Push them all the way to the brink. And then that person is like insane. And finally it was like, I can’t take this anymore. I’m out of here. I’m [00:19:00] leaving. And then they change and they’re great for a while. And they think, Oh my gosh, this is wonderful. This person is actually changed. And then they, they come back into the fold only to find out that the person is actually, uh, the same or worse.

So thinking that the person’s actually going to change or ever be different. You know, I always remind people that everything they do is a manipulation. Every time they say they’re sorry, or every time they try to love bum you again, or hoover you, or anything, it’s all a manipulation. They say don’t change.

Melissa: So do you not feel like one of the best things you can do for yourself is just remove yourself from this relationship as quickly as you possibly can? 

Rebecca: Yes, the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to remove yourself from the situation as fast as you can. I [00:20:00] recognize that not everybody has the benefit of being able to do that, but as soon as you can, yes, you definitely should.

What happens with narcissists is that they were a product of trauma, just like many times all of us have been, and were traumatized in some way during childhood, and their limbic brain experienced arrested development as a result, and because of that, they are triggered at times by various things, so when they feel like they’re going to be exposed, or they feel like they’re going to be slighted, or they feel like They’re going to experience a loss of control.

Their limbic system literally takes back over and their neocortex part of their brain literally shuts down. And now you’re just dealing with that. When that happens, it can be kind of frightening because the collateral [00:21:00] damage that they leave in their wake can be kind of frightening. They become blind to the damage that they can cause, and they will self sabotage in order to cause damage to others.

I’ve personally seen situations where people will say, you know, I will burn my business to the ground so that I don’t have to pay the other person alimony or whatever, things like that, you know, because they are just so out of control. It doesn’t even make any sense that they would do things like that, but that’s the kind of thing that they’ll do.

Melissa: Wow. It’s wild. And how many narcissists are out there? Like how common is this? I think people would be shocked that almost everyone would know at least one or have one in their circle. And I don’t know. I just want to hear your thoughts on that. 

Rebecca: Yeah. So, I mean, the numbers for actually narcissism are somewhere in the range of like 6 percent or something like that.

But then if you layer [00:22:00] in other personality disorders that lack empathy, I think it’s up to 10 percent or 15%. But then if you add in high conflict personality disorders, I think it’s up to 20%. And honestly, these, I think the numbers are low because these are people that are not self aware. They’re not going into doctor’s offices to get.

Oh, let me sign up to get a personality test over here, you know? And, and if you think about, you know, if each one of these people emotionally affects just a few people in their lifetimes. That’s a huge percentage of the population, quite frankly. 

Melissa: Absolutely. Now in your work, you emphasize the importance of negotiating like you matter.

Can you break down this concept for us and how women entrepreneurs in particular harness it to not just survive, but thrive in their business? 

Rebecca: Yeah. So that’s a concept that I had for my second book, and that was really thinking about [00:23:00] it in terms of. Every single person, when they walk away from a negotiation, wants to feel like they have been seen, heard, and know that they matter.

I mean, that’s really a concept of life, really. Every human wants to feel seen, heard, and know that they matter. And in a negotiation, it’s really no different. So, you know, nobody is going to walk away from a negotiation if they don’t feel like they’ve gotten some value from it. And I can tell you that having participated in literally thousands of negotiations now at this point in my life, and having done many mediations, many deals, if people don’t feel like they’ve gotten value, if people don’t feel like they’ve gotten something that They wanted from the deal, the deal won’t stick.

And especially, you know, with narcissists, you know, they want to feel like they’ve gotten some [00:24:00] control out of the situation that they were seeing that they, you know, they have that more than anybody. And so, you know, when you’re dealing with a narcissist, You have to kind of pander to that situation a little bit more even.

So from a woman’s perspective, you know, I would definitely say lean into your authentic power. And that’s one of the things that I talk about all the time. You are. Way more powerful than the narcissist. I mean, the narcissist is way more afraid of you than you are of them. And the truth of the matter is that they look for vulnerabilities.

They look for that opening, they smell fear, they smell it, they sense it. The stronger that you become, the more that you have that authentic power, the more that you know who you are, the weaker that they become. I’ve done so many thousands of these. I [00:25:00] really, really know that this is the truth. So the more you can lead with your heart and know who you are, You know, heart math is a, something I studied quite a bit too.

Your heart is actually five seconds ahead of your brain, right? And so the more you can be in coherence with that and really know who you are and know that you are influencing. The feeling in the room and influencing what’s going on there, they will stay away from you. Narcissists go to people who they know that they can control.

Melissa: Very interesting. They go to people they know they control. Dealing with these sorts of people can feel so emotionally draining and taxing. So what strategies do you recommend for maintaining mental and emotional resilience when facing such situations, especially if it is over a [00:26:00] long term in a relationship or a boss or something like that?

Rebecca: So this is where I talk about that invisible shield down around you, because you have to really start with the boundaries. You have to have these boundaries. Because they’re going to constantly poke and prod at you if they know that. Integrity is important to you. They’re going to constantly say, Oh, you’re dishonest or you’re a liar.

Or if they knew that being a good mother is important to you, they’re going to say you’re a horrible mom. Or, you know, you didn’t even feed them dinner, whatever it is. If they know that being a great dad is important to you, then you’re definitely a deadbeat dad. Like they know what’s. the most important thing to you.

So they go for that thing and say that thing because they’re constantly trying to break you down. That’s what they want to do. And so you have to be strong enough [00:27:00] to kind of look at the words and look at them and just go, well, there you are being your narcy self. I see you, but that’s not me. If somebody would call you a banana, you would like go, okay, well, I know I’m not a banana, so all right.

What happens with them is they know what your Achilles heel is, so it ends up landing for you. So you have to just not allow it to land for you. It just has to be like that Teflon, but it’s not always easy. So boundaries where you can just not put yourself in their space and not have that Energy on you is really the best thing and I always just say send them light, but over there and just keep it away from your space as much as you possibly can.

And eventually the higher your energetic level is, they won’t be able to vibrate in your space anymore because, you know, I always say light waves [00:28:00] can’t vibrate in the same universe as radio waves, right? I mean, it just, it’s not possible. And so you just kind of have to start off with your boundaries and just start by saying things like this approach is not working for me, we can have this conversation when you’ve calmed down, and you know, I have free phrases for disarming narcissists at disarmthenarc.

com if anybody wants them for free. And just start with things like that. Like I always say, like, get curious instead of get angry. Like, Oh, that’s interesting. Why would you say that? That’s interesting. What makes you think that, right? You know, or I say never jade. I always say I’m half Chinese and half German.

So I always wear jade, right? But I always say never jade, which is never justify, argue, defend, or explain. And I always try to just give people like, little things that they can do or say along the way. [00:29:00] So just keep it easy for them and keep your boundaries super strong and just eventually just push them to, you know, cause they’re going to want to find supply from somewhere or just have to slither on and find it from somewhere else other than you.

Yes. 

Melissa: I talk about boundaries in all of my books, in all my work inside SheLaunch. It’s so important that you have healthy boundaries when it comes to your business, when it comes to your personal life, when it comes to every area of your life. You need healthy boundaries in place. You know, we need boundaries for ourselves with our phone and things like that.

And I think a lot of people, especially in the spiritual community, they feel funny about setting boundaries, but boundaries are freedom. Boundaries allow you to be the best version of yourself. And if there is a relationship that doesn’t feel good, that doesn’t resonate, that is, you know, starting to feel [00:30:00] narcissistic, then we have to put, like you said, that protective shield around us and put in a healthy boundary.

Like for me, if there’s any sort of negative comments on social media or anything, I have a zero tolerance for that. I don’t try and justify myself. I just delete and block like I have a zero tolerance for it. I don’t have time to even try and negotiate or justify or anything like that. So for me, I have a zero tolerance with it.

And I’m quite good at just kind of like putting that protective shield around myself and, you know, removing myself from the situation and not putting myself in those environments where I could potentially be quote unquote attacked by someone. Life is so short, life is so precious and we don’t need to entertain those relationships.

So I love that you are doing this work because I’ve never come across anyone who’s doing it, which is why I wanted to get you on. And we’ve never [00:31:00] spoken about it on the podcast before, you know, over 600 episodes, which is just wild. Now you have distilled your years of experience into some different rules that can really help a relationship thrive and to be a successful relationship.

Can you share a couple of those things with us? Because I know everyone listening, we all want better relationships. We all want deeper, more meaningful connections. Everybody wants that. So what are some things that we can think about to really make that manifest? 

Rebecca: For sure. I can definitely say for me, because I’ve been married for 24 years.

Yeah, so my husband and I met in law school, as you said in the intro, that I was married very young the first time and I had three kids early on and went back to law school at night as a single mom. And so my husband and I met when I was still young and we have a, a 22 year old daughter together. And I can tell you that a [00:32:00] long term marriage and a long term relationship has been one of the most challenged things that I’ve done, but also one of the most rewarding things.

And having non negotiables in our relationship has been one of the things that has kept us going. And one of the things that we have is that we never threaten the existence of the relationship. So we never say, Oh, you know, I’m done. We’re done. Because we just have decided like, that’s non negotiable.

Melissa: It’s not an option. 

Rebecca: Yes. 

Melissa: Yeah, Nick and I say the same thing. It’s like, that’s off the table, you know, like that is not an option. So we’re the same in the past. We like, I’m sure we’ve both thought it like, are we meant to be together? Like in challenging times, but we’ve never threatened it. Like we’re here, we’re going to move through those challenging times.

No matter what, we just got [00:33:00] to do the work and move through it. 

Rebecca: Yeah, I mean, there’s always times that it gets really hard and challenging, but you know, if you’re going to not be in the relationship, you can’t just like, Oh, be that like that. Right. And so I think that that’s definitely one, you know, having ultimate respect for each other.

I mean, so not raising your voice, not calling each other names. And not using swear words, not cussing at each other, you know, just having this ultimate level of respect, I think it really makes a huge difference in a relationship. Trusting each other, it makes a huge difference. It really all comes down to really knowing who you are and being committed to self development and dealing with your own history of trauma and your own history of big T, little T on your own terms as well.

And then within the relationship as well, because everybody has that. [00:34:00] And if you don’t have a partner who’s willing to deal with their own stuff. as well as within the relationship, it’s really, really difficult. A hundred percent. 

Melissa: It is so important. I always say there’s three entities in a relationship.

Like there’s me, there’s him, and then there’s us. And I need to do the work on me. He ideally needs to do the work on him. And then there’s, we both need to do the work on our relationship and put time and energy into that. So there’s like three components that need to all be thriving in order for the relationship to thrive.

You know, I do have some friends and I’ve known many people along my journey, friends and clients and family members where one person is willing and open to doing the work and the other person isn’t. What do you do in that situation? 

Rebecca: Yeah, that makes it really challenging because you can’t hold up both sides of the relationship.

And I think if you have a partner. Who’s [00:35:00] not, you really have to have a conversation with them. I mean, and I heard Jay Shetty talking about this one time where he said, you know, you really just have to say to the other person, Are you all in with this? Are you willing to do the work? And if they can’t give you a straight answer on that, if they’re not willing to be there for you and be all in with you, then you have to take a hard look for yourself and say, is this what I really want?

Melissa: Yeah. Am I okay with that? 

Rebecca: Yeah, 

Melissa: that’s a tough question to answer, especially if you’ve been together for 30 years and you have children. Am I okay with this for the rest of my life? I’m such a big believer that people can change and shift and grow and you also have to be okay with that potentially not happening.

So am I okay with this the way it is for the rest of my life? Yes or no. There’s not like a, Oh, kind of like it’s either a yes or a no. [00:36:00] 

Rebecca: Yeah. And the rest of your life is a long time. I mean, people are living a whole lot longer than they used to. I mean, I was talking to somebody recently and they were saying there’s this statistic out there now that with medical breakthroughs the way they are that you know, we all think that, oh, you know, 80 or 90 or whatever is the age, but there’s statistics out there now that say.

If you live till 80 or 90, you’ll probably make it till 120 or whatever it is because They’re on the verge of finding a cure for cancer and finding a cure for heart disease and finding a cure for all of the things that actually kill people at those ages now. You know, I mean, think about it, you know, like 40 years ago, 65 or whatever, 70 was the age, right?

That people, a lot of people died, right? Now it’s been 80, now it’s 90. So I mean, think about. you know, 100, 120. It may not [00:37:00] be so crazy like a few years from now. 

Melissa: Yeah, absolutely. So we’re living longer. So that’s wonderful. Are you okay with this for the rest of your life? That is a big question to answer.

And I think we can kind of ask ourself that with all of our relationships, not just our romantic relationship. Like, am I okay with this? type of friendship? Is this how I want my friendships to be, you know? So I think it’s a great question to ponder and reflect on because Life is so precious, we only get one in this earth suit and so we may as well live our best life and feel inner peace and joy and be surrounded by people that are on the same path as us and want to support us and are inspiring.

Rebecca: Yeah, I have a mantra in my company now, no icky people under the tent, you know, like I just have to have people that are [00:38:00] vibrating at the same level that we all are in our company, you know, because even though it’s all virtual, we still talk to each other all day. We’re still with each other a lot. We all are on this mission to transform lives and make a difference.

And. I want to feel good. I want to feel happy. I don’t want to be like, Oh, I don’t want to talk to that person. I don’t want to feel like avoiding conversations with people. Like, no, it’s got to feel great. I absolutely agree. 

Melissa: So let’s now pretend that you have a magic wand and you could put one book in the school curriculum of every high school around the world.

Now, besides your books, which are amazing, what is one other book you would choose? And it can be on any topic. 

Rebecca: I would definitely say the four agreements. I think that’s one of my favorites and it’s so simple and it’s so easy to understand. And especially if you’re talking about for a high school level, [00:39:00] I mean, it’s just the greatest.

I mean, you know, four agreements you keep with yourself. And I refer to it so often myself, and I just think about it almost every day. And I really try to keep my word and I really try to not take things personally. And, you know, there’s just so many, I just think it’s a very succinct and easy. And it’s a great book.

Melissa: Absolutely agree. And so many people have recommended that book on the show. So you’re not alone in that. It’s an incredible book. It’s an easy read. I highly recommend it. It’s such an amazing book, and those four agreements are something that I as well try and live by and something that I want to teach my daughter as she grows as well.

So now I’d love to hear about your day. I love hearing about how people prime themselves for the day. Like, what is your morning routine? How does a quote unquote typical day in your life look? Well, 

Rebecca: I get up in the morning, I [00:40:00] Journal a little bit, exercise a little bit, try to just center myself. I always write out what I’m going to be doing for the day.

I have a little mantra that I say, my identity mantra. I write out what I’m going to be doing and, you know, drink my green drink. And just, you know, I get centered for the rest of the day and know exactly what I’m going to be doing and do a little breath work, a little power preparation. And then, you know, then I’m ready to go.

So then I meet with my team, you know, we usually do a little huddle and we get going. 

Melissa: Yeah. And then how does your day flow after that? Yeah. 

Rebecca: You know, every day is different usually. I mean, because I’m either meeting with people or I’m doing a podcast or I’m doing a YouTube video. I mean, after that, it could be anything.

Every day is kind of a little bit different after that. 

Melissa: And then you’ve got four kids. [00:41:00] 

Rebecca: Yeah, they’re, I mean, you know, because I had kids so young. They’re grown, and so it’s just my husband and me, my dog, like, died a couple months ago, so it’s just me here until my husband gets home. He works, you know, we met in law school, so he goes to the office usually.

He works from home one day a week. It’s just us here. I get to look at the ocean all day. Pacific Ocean is right there, so it’s beautiful. I guess you’re on the other side of there somewhere. 

Melissa: I’ll wave to you from over here. You mentioned your identity mantras that you say at the start of your day. What are they?

What is that? Is that I am statements? Yeah. Yes. Beautiful. So like, I am abundant, I am healthy, I am strong, I am compassionate. So you do those every morning? Every morning, I write them, yeah. I love that. That’s so beautiful. I do that with my daughter. She’s three and I do that with her. We do, I am [00:42:00] kind, I am smart, I am beautiful, I am compassionate, and she repeats them after me.

It’s so sweet. It’s so sweet. 

Rebecca: Yeah, it’s so powerful to do that too. And I have my vision and I write gratitude. I always write 10 items that I’m grateful for. I’ve been doing that every single day, ever since I interviewed Bob Proctor. He is the one who told me to do that. And he was one of the most powerful people that I ever interviewed.

And he was actually one of the most kind and wonderful men. Really, it was the most influential interviews that I ever did, because after I finished interviewing him, he actually coached me for like an hour and a half. And he was like, no one else on the planet is doing what you’re doing. You should be charging 10, 000 an hour.

He actually offered to give me a testimonial, which I still have. He was incredible, but he told me I should write 10 things that I’m grateful for every [00:43:00] day. And I’ve been doing it every day since then. 

Melissa: It makes such a difference. I do it every evening. I created a journal called the Holy Mama Journal and I write in it every evening what I’m grateful for.

And even on challenging days, there’s still so many things to be grateful for. It’s such an easy, free practice that can instantly shift your state. And then you go to bed feeling grateful and that’s a much nicer way to go to bed than feeling frustrated or annoyed that this happened in your day. It’s been a game changer for me.

I’ve been doing gratitude for like 14 years now and I just absolutely love it. 

Rebecca: You can’t be angry and grateful at the same time. Absolutely not. 

Melissa: All right, my friend. I have three rapid fire questions for you now. Are you ready? I am. Okay. What is one thing that we can do today for our health? Oh, exercise.

Breathwork. Beautiful. [00:44:00] What’s one thing that we can do today for our wealth? 

Rebecca: Think from a place of abundance. Yes. And what’s one thing we can do for our love? So more love in our life. I would say love. Love everybody. If you love, you will receive more love. Absolutely. 

Melissa: This has been so amazing. I have absolutely loved learning from you and I really hope that this has inspired so many people to kind of look at their relationships and maybe make some shifts.

Is there anything else that you want to share with us or anything that you think we really need to know before we part? 

Rebecca: I would just say that you and you alone define your value and that people will think what you tell them to think. So when I was telling you that you can create your own value, that’s what I mean, and I’ll just tell you a really quick one minute [00:45:00] story.

I had practiced law for about eight years and then I had become a stockbroker at Morgan Stanley. Then I went back to practicing law in Naples, Florida, which is a very affluent community. I had, was nervous that everybody there was going to think that I was really flaky. And so I had told my business coach, everybody’s going to think I’m such a flake.

And she said, people will think what you tell them to think. She said, you can tell them to think that you’re a total flake or you can tell them to think that you’re the only family law attorney that has a wealth background, a financial background. So therefore you are actually more qualified than any other family law attorney in town.

Which story would you like to tell? And I was like, Oh, maybe I’ll tell that story. So that’s what I did. I held myself out as that. And within two [00:46:00] years, I had the top family law practice in that area. And I was representing billionaires and celebrities and all sorts of people that very clearly were not going to hire a flake.

Had I shown up as, Oh, I’m really sorry. I know I’ve, I’ve jumped around a lot. That’s where people would have seen. And so how you show up in the room, I showed up in the room as I’m powerful. I’m the only one who has this financial background. That’s me. So that’s what people saw. So people will think what you tell them to think.

You and you alone define your value. And that happens with narcissists, it happens with everybody, it happens in any kind of negotiation or any kind of conversation. And so that’s really what I want to leave people with. in anything that you do. 

Melissa: What stories do you want to tell? I love that. That’s really beautiful.

And what stories do you want people to think about you? It’s really important. [00:47:00] Now you are helping and serving so many people with your work. So I want to know how I and the listeners can give back and serve you today. 

Rebecca: Well, if they want to learn more about me, they can go to my YouTube, Rebecca Zung TV is my YouTube channel.

If they wanna get my free crush, my negotiation prep worksheet, they can get that@winmynegotiation.com. That’s a prep playbook there. It’s really substantial. My book is Slay the Bully or Negotiate like You Matter both on Amazon or anywhere that you get books. And my website, rebecca zung.com. Yeah, my programs, everything is.

It’s everywhere, you know, on my website and all that. So yeah. 

Melissa: Beautiful. Well, thank you so much for the work that you do, my love. Thank you for being here and sharing all of your wisdom with us today. I really hope that this has inspired so many people and keep going. Keep doing your incredible work. It’s been such a pleasure.

Thank you. [00:48:00] Thank you.

I hope you got so much out of this conversation and I really want you to think about all of the relationships in your life and Are there any healthy boundaries that you need to put in place? Are there any protective bubbles that need to go around you before you enter a situation where one of those challenging people may be?

And are there any relationships that need some space put in between them? I want you to take a moment to really think about that, because like we said, life is so precious. We only get one and we may as well spend it with the people that we love, the people that are inspiring to us, that people that support us, that lift us up and cheer us on.

Those are the types of people that you want in your life, my friend, okay? Life is too precious for anything else. So I hope you got a lot out of this conversation. And if you want those types of [00:49:00] relationships in your life, you have to be. That is how you call in. If you want inspiring, supportive, loving, kind, compassionate, soft relationships in your life, you have to be that first.

That is how you call that in. You can’t just demand it from other people if you’re not willing to do it. So you have to do it first, embody that first. And then those relationships will come into your life. We teach others how to be treated. Remember that. Okay. So I hope you got a lot out of this conversation.

I hope you loved it. If you did, please subscribe and follow the show and leave me a review on Apple podcasts if you haven’t already. Send me an email to hello at Melissa Ambrosini or an Instagram screenshot of your review, and I’ll send you a little thank you gift and come and share with me on Instagram at Melissa Ambrosini, what you got from this episode.

I love connecting with you and I love hearing from you. And before I go, I just wanted to say [00:50:00] thank you so much for being here for wanting to be the best, the healthiest and the happiest version of yourself and for showing up today for you. You rock. Now, if there’s someone in your life that you can think of that would really benefit from this episode, please share it with them right now.

You can take a screenshot, share it on your social media, email it to them, text it to them, do whatever you’ve got to do to get this in their ears. And until next time. Don’t forget that love is sexy, healthy is liberating, and wealthy isn’t a dirty word.

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