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So many people who struggle with their body image or weight spend hours agonizing about their food choices and beating themselves up over what they ate (or didn’t eat) at their last meal. But the truth is, for most of us, it’s actually not about the food at all. In fact, the foods we’re eating are completely secondary to the way we actually feel about ourselves.
Now don’t get me wrong: of course what you eat matters. Of course it’s important to get enough veggies and fill your plate with healthy choices. But to truly get to the root of your relationship with food, you can’t just look at what you’re eating; you’ve got to look at why you’re eating and how you’re treating yourself and your body.
At first, some people might see this as being really depressing — You’re saying that it’s my fault I feel so crap? But in truth, it’s incredibly empowering. It means that if you can get your inner stuff sorted, then all the external stuff (for example, your ongoing food angst) will naturally and organically start to dissolve and sort itself out.
Before we dive in to the nuts and bolts of making this inner change, I want you to think about your relationship with food for a moment and ask yourself these questions:
Did you reach for junk food, a sugar hit or a caffeine fix this past week?
Are you turning to processed, fast or ready to eat ‘foods’ because you’re ‘too busy’?
Did you skip a meal or ‘forget to eat’?
Do you tend to snack a lot or crave dessert after every meal?
Do you use food as a reward mechanism?
When you ate dinner last night, were you watching TV, sitting on Facebook or surfing the net?
Now ask yourself — what’s really going on here?
This isn’t a time to play games with yourself or gloss over what’s really going on. Open up, take a good look at what’s going on here, and be honest with yourself. To start with, notice any emotions or feelings that come bubbling to the surface. Note the Mean Girl mind chatter going on inside your head. Is your Mean Girl judging you? Is it telling you you’ve failed? Are you feeling guilty or angry with yourself?
I want to remind you that that is just your Mean Girl doing her thang. Being harsh and fear based is its job, but it doesn’t mean it’s your truth.
Now I want you to take a deep belly breath and let it all go. Then take another one. Consciously choose to turn the volume down on your Mean Girl chatter, get present, and have full acceptance of what is. Because right now — in this very moment — you can heal your relationship with food.
Yep, you can.
And it’s as easy as choosing love over fear.
Don’t believe me? Let me tell you a story… For many years, I entertained quite a destructive relationship with food. I ate (or didn’t eat) out of fear of getting fat and I questioned everything I put to my lips. I was always repeating that age-old mantra of messed-up dieters everywhere — a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, chanting it to myself as the food went sliding down. To say I was a ‘disordered eater’ was an understatement.
I ate to numb emotions and block out sadness, anger and frustration. I ate to take the edge off the rejection and disappointment I felt in my relationships and career. I ate to squash down the fear inside me that I wasn’t enough. Why? Because I didn’t know there was any other way.
It wasn’t until I learned how to eat out of love that my torturous relationship with food began to turn around. As a mega bonus, I was also able to finally lose the stubborn weight that had been hanging on for years and keep it off for good. But let it be said: this is about so much more than simply losing weight; this is about ending your war with food — and with yourself.
Everything outside of us is a reflection of our internal state.
If you are eating out of fear, it’s time to stop. And if you’ve quit sugar out of fear, again: please stop. Quit sugar because you love yourself and your body unconditionally, not because you are scared it will give you cellulite. Eat to nourish that beautiful temple of yours, to keep it healthy and strong. Our bodies put up with a lot of crap; it’s time to give them back some love.
If you want to learn how to ditch your fear-based eating habits and heal your relationship with food for good, check out this targeted love over fear exercise. This is designed to dramatically shift your internal GPS and allow you to make deliberate and conscious choices from a place of love instead of fear. It’s a truly potent tool.
Make no mistake: this one simple shift will dramatically change everything in your life. All those things that I used to do out of fear — flogging my body at the gym, obsessively buying the latest clothes so I’d fit in, putting up with crappy relationship so I wouldn’t be alone, forcing myself to exist on salad and diet soda so I wouldn’t get fat — they’re all now a thing of the past. Once I adjusted my mindset, everything shifted.
So don’t underestimate the power of this one small change. It truly can transform everything. Click here now to watch the video.
How is your relationship with food? Do you need to give yourself some love? Share below the biggest challenge you face with your relationship with food.
I know food is a sensitive topic and I am so grateful for you to share your insights in the comments. Your words may be the one thing someone needs to read to inspire them to take action to end their war with food.
Let’s just say I’ve had one of those epic relationships with food, I’ve been there done that when it comes to looking at food and exercise from a place of fear… Ironically thinking I’m being healthy with my actions but my internal dialogue is far from healthy so the cycle begin. I believe it’s no coincidence that I have digestive issues for as long as I can remember to the point where I now have a chronic form of colitis, not the super serious kind thankfully. Thanks Melissa for sharing.
I certainly have a bad relationship with food and My Mean Girl has been hanging around for far too long. Since I watched your Love over Fear video a couple of weeks ago it has drastically changed how I think. I stopped worrying about putting on weight every time I ate, and now I just eat to nourish my body. I also started Pilates to help my body become stronger. Thank you Melissa for ‘getting it’ and knowing just the right things to say to get our mindsets to change. Ive also started your guided meditations, and they have been an absolute godsend!! Im starting to stop stressing about everything and anything. Thank you, thank you, thank you!! 🙂
This gave me goosebumps. I am so happy for you Michelle.
xx
Mel, you have such a beautiful way of putting into words a message that so many ladies need to hear. Shifting from fear to love is so simple yet powerful. Keep shining your radiant light xo
Love This! So beautiful and the process of going within and understanding the beliefs and attitude you have that cause you to interact with a torturous relationship with food are all key aspects of learning who you truly and they are just lessons. Just gentle reminders telling you that something within you isn’t quite right, and thats okay. Its a process and all will be okay in the end. Thank you Mel for the beautiful post xx Have an amazing day
As a nutritional therapist I hear people’s stories about their food relationships all the time and it breaks my heart. In the past I never gave much thought to food and ate what I liked without putting on much weight, But, and its a big but, I was in no way nourishing my body and soul. I ate salad or pizza, constantly worried about the size of my thighs and drank way too much. Its taken time but now I eat food that makes me feel good, vibrant and healthy – that’s my main driver. My whole practice is based on choosing love over fear, my clients are already fabulous, I am just helping them to realise that. Great article that highlights that everything is connected, our food relationship is deeply connected to what goes on inside xx
I Love this this is what i need to read every day.
I have a horrible relationship with my self. I have a negative mind which is always telling me im fat, not good enough, failed. im not over weight, i do xfit & live an active healthy life. its embeded in my brain i need to be lean to be good enough or why would anyone love me. its a crazy thought to have and Im studying at INN in hope i can over come these huge hurdles & help women like myself.
some days are good & some are bad and its so amazing to know there are others out there whom struggle. its not food thats a problem its the mind. GOD shes powerfull isnt she,
I nourish my body with good whole foods but i do question things i eat as im still not 100% happy with how i look. its a hurdle that im trying to get over & hopefully this mean girl will in turn go away for good and i can love what i am and what i have. thank you Melissa for these posts 🙂
Hey Brie,
Have you watch my LOVE over FEAR video http://melissaambrosini.bitnamiapp.com/glow – I think you will really benefit from watching it. Let me know what you think?
Amen, sista. Food (and my relationship with it) has taught me SO much. Eating for energy – with gusto and pleasure – is truly a gift! x
Yes! More of this please and less ’12 week programs’, detoxes and aggressive exercise regimes. A healthy body requires a healthy mind.
Stop the food fear mongering that our culture is built on.
Love your body, reject calorie counting and don’t let people/companys/fad diets tell you that you NEED to quit sugar or you can’t eat bread or else you’ll be unhealthy, fat or a failure. Just love yourself, every part of yourself and things will fall into place by themselves.
Well this one hit the nail on the head for me – food has been a crazy whirlwind of emotions, struggle, pleasure & love for me.
I love food, love cooking, but I also soothe myself with overeating, get binges regularly, especially when trying to start a diet (it’s always from tomorrow, so let’s binge today), reward myself with food, but also punish myself with it, and because of it – such a mess!
I am still working on getting healthier and taking better care of my body, but habits I’ve built for years and years go away slowly 🙂
Hi Melissa,
My relationship with food I am not sure if it is a love or hate relationship.. To be honest I LOVE to eat! I love food.. who doesn’t? well some people forget to eat or don’t care about it, even if they do not think about how to nourish themselves they eat as much as they need to live. I actually think this is better than my situation. which is that I definitely eat nourishing food but I eat TOO much. I will eat a giant bowl of fruits with tahini. or 2 bowls of lentil soup with 3 baked potatoes or lots and lots of nuts and dried fruits. so even though I eat healthy I don’t know where to stop. My stomach does tell me where to stop but I do not listen to it. Just because I like my food. I admit that most of the time I feel very guilty from overeating. Also I feel guilty when I go out to eat and indulge in that chocolate soufflé or that cheesecake. But in general I love to taste new thing, new restaurants, new dishes new flavours! which makes me eat more than I need. so I can very hardly say NO to food.. I am not overweight at all because I exercise and I eat healthy in general but still my weight and my looks are always on my mind! I will try you love and fear question!
Hi Eleni,
Thank you for sharing. I know exactly what you are talking about as I used to over eat to fill an emotional void within myself. Now I eat to nourish my beautiful temple. There is a difference. Have you considered doing my Program Get Your Glow On. I think it will be very supportive for you. I know exactly what you are talking about and I really think the program is for you.
Let me know if you have any questions about it.
xx
I too share similar experiences and feelings with Brie. After a shift in my mindset and diet a couple years ago I opted for mostly (and always) a gluten-free, dairy-free, animal friendly, sugar-free diet, non-gmo etc.; being super conscious about my food choices and spending thousands of dollars on all these healthy foods, I thought would help me be healthy and keep off the lingering 10lbs that I always “struggling” with. Yet, I am still at odds battling with my eatings habits/my Mean Girl mindset. The one who tells me you’ll never lose those 10lbs and who seems to numb my overeating feelings. So alike what you said above Melissa, I am committed to healthy eating but my internal outlook wants to fill the void of perhaps other areas of my life! And so I just watched your love over fear video and it made me rethink how I ate my breakfast smoothie this morning – every ingredient I put in, is it out of love for nourishment for my body or fear that I have to eat these foods or fear that I will never eat them again. From my heart, thank you!
Alex
Hi Melissa
It’s been a while I did not wrote you, but it does not mean I don’t read you, like every time I love your article.
That one particularly because it resonate in myself so much. I have so much struggle with food. Since a year now I took all healthy habit that I could take for me but except about food.
to be honest I even don’t know what to say or how to explain. I just don’t eat correctly, and feel like my Mean Girl has the power over me about food. I just eat everything I can find on my way.
It just I know the only way to finally go were I would like bring my body is to change my relationship with food but I just don’t know how or where to start or more how not give up.
I think your article is finally putting words to my feeling that I am not able to do.
I just hope one day I will be able to do it
Thank you
much love
Charlotte
You can Charlotte! You can make that decision right now in this moment to end the war with food and your Mean Girl. All it takes is a conscious choice. Give it a go and let me know how you go.
xx
My relationship with food AND my body is slowly a work in progress. It all started in my middle school years. I stopped eating, and hanging out with friends out of fear that we may go out. And if I nibbled on something, no matter what it was (healthy or not), I would feel extreme guilt despite how much I was starving myself. This sadness continued until my second year in high school when I had a sudden realization that I was slowly killing myself! I had no energy to play the sports I wanted to, I was sick almost all the time, and I found it hard to even wake-up in the morning. So I decided to start reading health related literature and slowly began to heal myself.
Despite the fact that I was gaining a healthy weight and my appearance was improving, my mental health was still very unstable. I was still finding myself at the mirror picking at the parts of my body that I didn’t like, thinking I was “too fat around my midsection” or “my thighs aren’t skinny enough”. At times I would go back to my bad habits of not eating but I would quickly rebound by overindulging! This constant battle continued well into my first year of culinary school. What turned everything around for me was taking my nutrition class.
I remember my first day of class, I saw my instructor and noticed how healthy and radiant she looked. It made me focus more in class because I wanted to be like her! Everything she taught, I applied it to my life. I began eating healthily, exercising, and not worrying about my body as much. I knew that what I was doing for my body was beneficial and that I didn’t need to worry about my body quite as much. Everything was going well until I lost interest in the culinary arts, quit school and moved back home.
That turning point really took a toll on my emotional state and my negative emotions came back again. Luckily I kept fighting. A few months later me and my current boyfriend met and things seemed to fall back into place. He made me feel beautiful (he still does). Because of him I wanted to completely rid myself of my toxic thoughts. I didn’t want any of that to negatively affect our relationship. I started school again, this time focusing on a health and fitness major. I now have a burning desire to help people who struggled as I have. It’s not an easy obstacle to defeat, but it isn’t impossible.
I am so proud of how far I’ve come. A lot of the credit goes to my amazing boyfriend who, not matter what, is always by my side, and pushes me to be my best.
Thanks for sharing Amy, but I want to remind you you manifested your boyfriend. He hasvn’t done the work YOU have. Be careful not to put your power in him 😉
xx
I’ve realized recently that my addiction to sugar and gluten is very, very strong. Is there a meditation or hypnosis I can listen to to retrain my brain to not want those foods anymore?
I’d be interested to know if this has worked for anyone. I can’t seem to quit for more than 3-4 weeks at a time. Even when my focus is on ‘I choose this food because I love myself’ when I’m faced with an opportunity to eat something insanely delicious I talk myself into thinking it is harmless- even when I know it is not.
Hi Megan,
I think you really need to get to the core of why you are eating what you are eating. Meditation is very supportive, have you tried any of mine? I am not sure about hypnosis I have never tried it. But I would look at the why first.
Also my program Get Your Glow On could be very supportive for you. Have you check that out yet? http://melissaambrosini.bitnamiapp.com/glow
Let me know how you go.
xx
Thanks Melissa, I agree it is definitely looking at the ‘why’ – what a loaded and complex question that is!
It has me so baffled- I’ve watched so many documentaries and read so many articles- I know what healthy choices look like… I guess the voice that says “this one treat won’t hurt” or “I’ll get back into it tomorrow’ is still the ‘mean girl’ talking.
I have actually done some of your meditations, I really enjoy them. Interested to see what the Get Your Glow program is all about, I have signed up to get the releases.
Relationship with food. HUGE topic hey!
MASSIVE topic! And yep that is your Mean Girl talking. Keep catching her.
Keep up with the meditations honey and if you want to dive deeper check out Get Your Glow On.
xx
Hi Melissa,
I came across this article at just the right time! I’m 15, and for I think roughly 3 years now, I have been in a constant battle with food and my emotions. I’m either starving myself and overexercising, or eating extremely well and exercising and then bingeing and beating myself up for it. My battle with food has influenced other parts of my life and is reflected in the way I act towards myself and how I think. I just want to be the girl who has everything in balance and loves herself unconditionally, just like you. So, I feel that seeing as none of my other obsessive strategies have worked, it’s time for me to act and be truly honest with myself and work towards where I truly want to be in my life and with my health. thank you so much for being just an amazing pep talking idol! xx
Hello lovely Melissa!
None of the links work- the video and the exercise!
Sarah
Hi Sarah,
That’s weird. It’s working on our end. Have you refreshed your page?
None of the links work!
All fixed now. Thanks for letting me know. xx
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this. This couldn’t come at a more fitting time. I had joined a gym last week thinking that my regular yoga practice wasn’t ‘enough’ even though it is something I enjoy so much!! I am sitting here already dreading the idea of going to the gym again tonight because I know it is something I hate, but feeling I ‘should’ do in order to look a certain way.
Instead, I am off to cancel my gym membership (lucky I am still in the cooling off period) and continue with my regular yoga practice at a studio that nourishes and supports me.
Thank you for your help.
Amber 🙂
Dear Mel,
Thank you so much for this article. I am currently waiting on a bed at the Northside clinic in Sydney as my last hope of beating severe Anorexia.
You are so right, it all stems from within and has nothing to do with food or body image. It’s a control mechanism for emotions we can not handle and to mask self hatred.
Can you suggest any reading material on self love, healing etc as I know the hospital will deal with the food but only I can go on a journey of self love as if I don’t learn to love myself and heal I will always go back to the eating disorder.
I was told my body won’t handle this condition much longer and I have nearly died twice, but I have a life to live and a world of people I want to help and inspire.
I want to come up to Sydney armed with everything I can as failure or death is not an option.
Keep doing what your doing, your freakin awesome
Jx
Hey Jodi,
Firstly, I am sending you so much love, you can do this my darling you can do this.
Secondly, my favourite book on self love is Louise Hay You Can Heal Your Life. Also here are 15 of my all time fav books which I think you might life. Check them out and let me know what you think.
Remember darling you are perfect and you are beautiful exactly the way you are. Don’t forget it!
xx
Hi Melissa,
It’s interesting to see all the comments here- how many people struggle with eating issues! This is an awesome post.
I was underweight and then started binging this holidays- I’ve put on a total of 10 kilos and am riddled with anxiety and depression. I’m finding it hard to love myself and live healthy when I’m now bigger then ever and can’t fit into any clothes. It’s extremely hard to loose weight and treat myself with love when I’m completely depressed and revolted by my weight gain.
Any suggestions??
xx
Hey Tash,
Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly, I can totally relate to how you are feeling.
Self-love is the best place to start. When you are overflowing with love for yourself you are less likely to feel anxious and depressed. I used to feel exactly like you are feeling now which is why I created my program Get Your Glow On.
I healed myself, it took time and commitment but I did it and I am so glad I did. You can do it too beautiful. The first place to start is with the commitment to yourself. Decide you are going to love yourself today then go from there. There is nothing else you need to do right now.
Know that you are beautiful and perfect exactly the way you are. There is nothing that needs to be fixed, changed or improved. You are perfect! Know that and feel it deep at your core.
I hope this helps darling. Please let me know how you go.
xx
I almost cried when I read this. It is 100% me. All I think about is food. It completely controls my mind. I find myself wanting to be “normal”, like everyone else who can just eat without trying to make sure it is the best possible thing they could put into their bodies, and if it isn’t, not make them feel ashamed for it. I wish I could say I have a healthy relationship with food, but I don’t. It isn’t even just my body image that I don’t like, it’s how the food I eat makes me feel. Yet, I keep returning to my old eating habits, which actually aren’t very unhealthy. I rarely eat fast food, or fried food. But I do eat sweets. And a LOT of them, and I eat until I am uncomfortable a lot of the time. I was always taught to clean my plate when I grew up, and it has stuck with me. I do not waste food, ever. I just wish I could be this fulfilled with my life and concentrate on a task without wondering what my next meal is going to be. Just, “normal”.
Hey Melanie,
Thank you so much for sharing that. I can totally relate because I used to feel exactly the same way.
I found once I started flexing my self-love muscle and mastering my Mean Girl which is what I teach in Get Your Glow On that it started to dissolve. Have you thought about doing Get Your Glow On honey? I think it would be very supportive for you.
Melissa,
First, I would like to thank you for writing this and helping so many before me. I have been dealing with body image issues and body dysmorphia my entire adulthood. My weight has yo-yoed up to 30 lbs over and over during the past decade. It’s been mentally, physically, and emotionally taxing. I’ve been a prisoner to food, the scale, and the mirror. But after reading this and your book, my eyes are open and I’m closer than ever to finally loving me for me. I don’t have to look a certain way for anyone else, just me. It’s amazing how someone can put something simply into a different perspective and create results that are life-changing for others. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I finally feel like I’m getting my life back.
Thank YOU for having the courage to master your inner Mean Girl, YOU’RE freaking amazing sista! So proud of you. Keep going angel.
How To Heal Your Relationship with Food – Melissa Ambrosini
[…]Find methods to provide assist for your self.[…]
I never had a bad relationship with food until I did a Whole 30. I did it as a challenge, just to see if I could. Yes, I felt great after surviving my sugar withdrawal. I had energy… etc, all the stuff everyone talks about. What I didn’t anticipate was the new feelings of guilt and shame I started to attach to food. My non-existent relationship with food suddenly became a guilt & shame fest. Something happened to me during the W30. Now, I have tried to go back on the W30, to only be able to manage for a couple weeks and then manage to fall off because I don’t want to deny myself an ice cream. In the past year, I have struggled horribly with my feelings about food. I don’t binge and go crazy, but the thoughts that I now have are horrible. Something new has happened and I don’t know how to find the balance I once had.
Does this make sense??
I like your idea about making good choices out of love for my body… wanting to give my body the best that I can. I am going to try to work with this thought.
Why can’t I have a shame-based relationship about buying too much yarn, instead? I miss my old relationship with food.
Thank you for this article…
Nicole S.