Closing off. Shutting down. Sliding into the dark. Hanging out in fear town with your Mean Girl. Feeling like the walls are caving in on you. Life all of a sudden feels really tough, like everything’s against you. Nothing flows. Small things become burdensome. Your shoulders feel weighted. Your muscles are tense and rigid. It’s cold and lonely. Your throat is tight. Life is effortful, hard and scary. This is what it feels like when we close down.
When we shut off our life force and choose fear instead of love. It’s not fun. Actually it sucks—big time! But there’s an alternative… Expansive. Open. Light. Effortless. Juicy. Free. Calm. Joyful. Golden. This is what it feels like when you choose love. Love is our birth right. Our natural state. Yet so often, we shy away from it. We close down completely because it’s the easier path. The path that we’re used to. But let me tell you, although it might feel normal to close off, it sure is not natural.
The choice is yours. And you will be tested. Time and time again. Like everything, choosing love takes work. Choosing love over fear is a practice that you need to commit to. Daily! However, I invite you to begin to see the fun in it. See it as a game. “Oh goodie, another opportunity to choose love when I would normally close off.” This is the work. It needs to be done daily in order for us to grow and evolve. It’s uncomfortable, I know. But we must be willing to shimmy through the discomfort in order to get to the other side, because on the other side is evolution.
Normal and natural are two different things. It is normal to choose fear, but it isn’t natural.
One of the common ones I see is us ladies closing off in our relationships. Something doesn’t go our way, we get disappointed, we have an expectation hangover then we close down. Shutting out our love and the world. When this happens I want you to remember this saying, nothing good comes from closing, ever. Let that be your guiding mantra back home to yourself.
When I am tested, I play the game. If I feel that old familiar urge to close off, run away and shut down, I consciously choose a different path. Instead, I open my chest, drop my shoulders, and vision a white (or golden) light beaming out from the center of my heart. I repeat to myself, “Now is the time to open up, beautiful. Go on, you can do it.” I sit in silence, eyes closed and let the feeling wash through me. Yes, it’s uncomfortable. But what’s more uncomfortable is hanging out in fear town with my Mean Girl. Don’t be scared to sit in it, it’s all part of the process. And remember, “this too shall pass.”
Next time you want to shut down and sip martini’s with your Mean Girl, I invite you to open up instead. You won’t believe the difference this one, tiny shift can have on your life.
Do you have any helpful tips for when you shut down? I would love to hear them, so share with us in the comments below.
Thank you so much for the insights you leave in the comments. Reading them really warms my heart.
This is just beautiful Mel, just beautiful. Having just spent a week assisting with The Path Of Love (a wonderful personal transformative course), this message is perfect – for me, for everyone. Sitting with that uncomfortable energy is hard, yet so necessary for things to shift and then comes the lightness, beauty and love. Sharing this honey. G xx
Oh wow. This is so what I needed today. I’ve spent the day battling with my mean girl about a lost opportunity at work. “I didn’t get the promotion. Because I suck. I’m not good enough. I hate life. Life hates me”. Then I saw this. I stood up, straightened up, and marched straight into my managers office to schedule a meeting to discuss my interview process, to learn from the opportunity rather then stew on it. Thank you gorgeous.
Virtual high fives to you Peta. You go girl.
xx
Hey Peta, hey Melissa! The same thing happened with me today.
I start “hanging out” with my Mean Girl. I know – it was so wrong but I didn`t know what to do. No, maybe I know but something.. something was wrong. And now… I saw this post from you, Mel. I am so grateful that you wrote it. Thanke you from all my heart! You!
Now I know what I am going to do when my Mean Girl come back- I will open my heart to love.
Wow, so beautiful. I totally get what you mean by being uncomfortable, and from there we naturally want to close off. Just closing the door. I’ll be brutally honest..my inner mean girl has been popping out a lot lately. This blog post serves as just another remind how often we need to practice self love and vulnerability DAILY. Thank you for this. Xx
PS: would love to share with you one of my favorite sayings from Mandy Hale… “Self worth is so vital to your happiness. If you don’t feel good about you, it’s hard to feel good about anything else”
I LOVE the quote honey. Thank you for sharing it with me.
xx
Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s like your divine purpose was to reach out to people when they need it most! thank you for this article.x
Hey Mel! I love this post, I think pulling your shoulders back and opening your heart is a great way to make yourself feel more confident and open to opportunities to choose love. How is your trip? xx
You are a goddess xo
Once again Mel this could not have come at a better time! Quit my corporate office job today to move towards a healthier, happier me! Hope you have a beautiful honeymoon! Xxx
Wow! THANK YOU Melissa this totally resonates with me. After a big knock to my confidence earlier in the year a friend recently helped me to realise how much I’d shut myself off from enjoying my life whilst trying to protect myself! Even though it’s comfortable hiding away is not the way.
She helped me make an action plan to get back out there, drop the fear and do what I love! 🙂 it can be done, taking the first step is all you need! Big love to you and all your readers Xxx
Actually Melissa, I have you to thank for inspiring me to take up Meditation again when I saw the video you did with Lorna Jane Clarkson months back. Ive tried meditation on and off over the years, but never stuck with it for one reason or another. However, since the MNB video I am finding my daily practice to be so beneficial to my wellbeing. It has helped me to release unhelpful and damaging thoughts and patterns, opening up more space for self love and forgiveness. If I feel my stress levels rising, I can just take a minute, where ever I am, to close my eyes, just breathe and my mind calms. I can’t imagine my life without meditation now. Thank you so much. Love and happy health to you.
Hi gorgeous Mel, it’s like you have an angel hovering over me, giving me courage and perseverance to keep going, when things get really tough. If it doesn’t rain, it pours with me.:-( Sorry I don’t have any tips really, I feel like I am just surviving at the moment. Your amazing how just out of the blue, you send this particular email, discussing how some people just want to shut down, and cut out the world, for a little while, until you find your feet again and want to mix and be happy like everyone else. I can’t believe my bad luck, things just seem to happen. Over a month ago I went to a party that had really loud music, which some of the time I had my fingers in my ears to block out the noise. My ears did not appreciate that noise the next day, they were ringing a little. Then a week or so later I had vertigo, then the ringing got worse and has become tinnitus, so with me 24/7 I also had some Mulled Wine which had a concoction of ingredients, some of which I don’t think agreed with my metabolism, like lots of sugar and various other herbs, to spice it up. That’s what happens when you are invited out to enjoy yourself, now having hearing tests, ENT specialist thinks I could have nerve damage. So sorry, not a happy chappy at the moment. My will power is a bit low, until I find a way to over come this continuous noise in my head, or find the best way to manage this, because I may never be able to cure Tinnitus. My only Tip is when you go to a party or see a band and you don’t want hearing issues, wear ear plugs. So just working through this, the need to get my body fitter is because I am putting on weight. So I am trying to get my Mean girl, to motivate me to be consistent, get outside now the weather is warming up in Melbourne and exercise.
In the hope that, if I can lose kg, that it will make me feel better about myself. Thanks Mel once again for your incredible timing with your motivating email. Love you Mel. xo 🙂
I admit I shut down Tuesday. Completley shut down. Tears, Wine, & Chocolate. BUT instead of living there I moved on. I gave myself “x” amount of time to let it out. I have found when you are in that state if you dont shut it off it’s unfare to you and others around you that have to deal with the negative effects. Sometimes though it’s good to let out. Normally I would let it control my day, my week, my month but I didnt. See trying to start a family hasnt been the easiest road for us this year. You place these expectations on yourself where you should be and if you really beleive them its scary. So this past Tuesday we found out that this was not our month again and the mean girl came out. I found in the last few months meditation and yoga is transforming me and allowing me to see the light in me and at the end of the tunnel…and somehow you keep pushing on.
Thanks for inspiring me to keep on pushing on.
Hi Mel!
I absolutely LOVE this post! It is so real for me. And I love your insight on your process of bringing yourself back to openness and away from fear. The best advice I give to people, and it is how I have taught myself to move away from fear, is to stop going back to the familiar, and our familiar way of reacting, thinking and being. I always say to go to the unfamiliar. So how ever we would normally respond, try the opposite, The unfamiliar is, like you said, always uncomfortable, but will always give us a different and better result in this instance. I call it getting ‘off’ it instead of ‘on’ it. Revert away from our familiar way of being and always, ALWAYS act from a place of love.
You inspire me daily Mel so thank you. I am forever grateful 🙂
<3
xx
Wonderful post Melissa! thankyou darling xox
“Expectation hangover” really spoke to me.
I like that analogy because hangovers are so yucky and leave you in regret/shame/fuzziness. And that is exactly how I feel when my expectations are let down, especially in relationships. I think those words will be ones I use to help myself recognize how I feel and choose to love.
You’re always a light.
xo, Madison
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Hi Melissa, I just discovered your wallpapers and they are awesome! I love the colour, the quotes & everything about them! Will you be getting ones for iphones at all? I hope so! xxx
Hi Hannah, You can use any of them for your iphone just go to my site on your phone and save them image. I am so glad you like them honey. They sure do brighten up my day 😉
I am not sure if I am doing something wrong but they dont seem to fit on the screen?
Hey Hannah,
I am so sorry they aren’t built for Iphone wallpaper. They are built for computer desk tops and Instagram.
I am sure you could place around with it in photoshop if you wanted to.
xx
Smdaa-kcb what I was looking for-ty!
Thank you for this post. It is exactly how I have been feeling since I got home from a holiday. It sounds ridiculous but the holiday let me escape and be in my own bubble, so when I came home I felt overwhelmed with everything I had to organise and control again. I’m not having a good week healthwise anyway so to read this it made me realise I have to stay positive and try to stay open to the world rather than going into my bubble. Your blog is so inspiring, thank you for all the positive messages.
[…] Nothing Good Comes From Closing Off/Choosing Fear/Hanging Out With Your Mean Girl…EVER […]
Thank you, Melissa for your inspirational words. Your simple but beautiful message, ‘love over fear’, has helped me greatly and I am seeing personal relationships improve as a result of it. XO
[…] Nothing Good Comes From Closing Off/Choosing Fear/Hanging Out With Your Mean Girl… EVER. […]
Hi Melissa, I woke up at 4am this morning with my mean girl in full swing. Ironically I had just watched Glen Campbell on your bootcamp vids about what keeps you awake at night…obviously its my mean girl and self doubt. I immediately searched your sight for “Mean Girl” posts and stumbled upon this. WOW ! massive lightbulb moment, this post is exactly me !! the reason why I am struggling to find my “personal why” is because of the “closing off” in personal relationships and holding onto that “emotional hangover” …I then throw myself into work and consequently feel more closed off / angry and disappointed (such a cycle) Thankyou for sharing this and making me realise I need to evolve and follow the mantra “nothing good comes from closing off ever”. After a few tears or relief I then fell back asleep woke up feeling positive and ready to start a new chapter. Much love to you and your amazing gift xxx
Thank you so much for sharing Dahlas. I can totally relate to how you are feeling because my Mean Girl used to keep me up at night too. I also found mantras super helpful so keep using them whenever she creeps in 😉
xx
Melissa your book Mastering Your Mean Girl is amazing and has helped me so much! You’re amazing and an inspiration! thank you for putting yourself out there and being so honest!! I think its hard to be so honest and vulnerable and to talk about how you’re feeling, but when people like you do it, it makes it so much easier for others to do the same!!
Thank you for your kind words angel. I only know how to speak my truth and be honest now, it’s the only way. xx