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What if the key to keeping the spark alive in your relationship was hidden in your hormones?

What if understanding the fundamental differences between the male and female brain could transform your connection with your partner?

And what if we finally understood why men often don’t like to talk about their feelings — and what to do about it?!

In this remarkable episode, I’m joined by none other than Dr. John Gray — bestselling author of ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’ — who’s back for his third appearance on the show.

Dr. Gray is a world-renowned expert on relationships and human behavior, and in this episode, we’re diving deep into how understanding the male and female brain can transform your relationship.

Tune in to learn: the crucial role of hormones in romantic relationships, why men struggle to open up emotionally (and how to support them), the impact of stress and motherhood on estrogen production, how your femininity can help you achieve everything you desire, why timing and intimacy are essential for a healthy relationship, the common mistakes couples make in dating, and how to reignite the spark you felt when you first met your partner.

This episode blew my mind, and I’m *so* excited for you to listen.

So if you’re ready to harness the hidden biology of attraction, strengthen your communication skills, and create lasting intimacy with your partner, press play now… this one’s for you!

About Dr John Gray

John Gray is the author of the most well-known and trusted relationship book of all time, Men Are fromMars, Women Are from Venus. USA Today listed his book as one of the top 10 most influential books of the last quarter century. In hardcover, it was the #1 bestselling book of the 1990s. Dr. Gray’s books are translated into approximately 45 languages in more than 100 countries and continues to be a bestseller. Dr. Gray has written over 20 books. His most recent book is Beyond Mars and Venus. His Mars/Venus book series has forever changed the way men and women view their relationships.

John helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and professional relationships. His approach combines specific communication techniques with healthy, nutritional choices that create the brain and body chemistry for lasting health, happiness and romance.

In this episode we chat about:

• How intermittent fasting influences our metabolism (03:24)
• The polarity of hormones and their role in love (07:14)
• Why men don’t tend to talk about their feelings — and what to do about it! (11:37)
• The importance of understanding the masculine brain to enhance your relationship (25:19)
• How community, stress, and motherhood are connected to your estrogen production (38:41)
• What you must know about men’s hormones to create a deeper connection with your partner (43:53)
• How our femininity can grant us with everything we desire — and where most women get stuck (46:47)
• The importance of rhythm, timing and intimacy in a relationship (52:30)
• What most couples get wrong when it comes to dating (55:27)
• Understanding the leadership dynamics in a long term relationship (59:38)
• The importance of harnessing both our masculine and feminine energies to make things happen (01:03:40)
• A simple but powerful technique to bring back the intensity you felt with your partner when you first met (01:08:00)
• The biggest differences between the male and female brain and how this impacts relationships (01:14:31)

Episode resources:

• SheLaunch (join here)
• Mastering Your Mean Girl by Melissa Ambrosini (book)
• Open Wide by Melissa Ambrosini (book)
• Comparisonitis by Melissa Ambrosini (book)
• Time Magic by Melissa Ambrosini and Nick Broadhurst (book)
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus with John Gray (podcast)
• Mars And Venus In The Bedroom & How To Have Great Sex with John Gray (podcast)
• Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gray (book)
• Beyond Mars and Venus: Relationship Skills for Today’s Complex World by John Gray (book)
• Mars and Venus in the Bedroom: A Guide to Lasting Romance and Passion by John Gray (book)
• MarsVenus (website) 
• Understanding Men (course)
• Why Men Are the Way They Are by Warren Farrell Ph.D. (book)

Prefer To Read?

The following transcript has been automatically generated and not checked for accuracy.

Melissa: [00:00:00] In episode 613 with John Gray, we are talking all about how to biohack your hormones and biohack your relationship for the most deeply fulfilling, soul nourishing love that you have ever experienced in your entire life. Plus so much more. This is essential listening for everyone. Welcome to the Melissa Ambrosini Show.

I’m your host, Melissa, bestselling author of Mastering Your Mean Girl, Open Wide, Comparisonitis, And time magic. And I’m here to remind you that love is sexy, healthy is liberating, and wealthy isn’t a dirty word. Each week I’ll be getting up close and personal with thought leaders from around the globe, as well as your weekly dose of motivation so that you can create epic change in your own life and become the best version of yourself possible.

Are you ready? Beautiful. Beautiful. Hey, [00:01:00] beautiful and welcome back to the show. I’m so excited about this episode because I absolutely love John Gray. This is his third time on the show. And for good reason, because he is amazing. And for those of you that have never heard of him, he is the author of the most well known and trusted relationship book of all time.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. USA Today listed his book as one of the top 10 most influential books of the last quarter century. That is amazing. In hardcover, it was the number one best selling book of the 1990s. His books are translated into approximately 45 languages in more than 100 countries and continues to be a best seller.

He has written over 20 books and he has recently launched a new book, Beyond Mars and Venus. And his Mars and Venus book series has forever changed the way men and women view their relationships. It has changed mine for sure. Now he helps men and women better understand and respect their differences in both personal and [00:02:00] professional relationships.

His approach combines specific communication techniques with healthy nutritional choices that create the brain and body chemistry for lasting love, happiness, and romance. His many books, blogs, and free online workshops at marsvenus. com provide practical insights to improve relationships at all stages of life and love.

An advocate of health and optimal brain function, he also provides natural solutions for overcoming depression, anxiety, and stress to support increased energy, libido, hormonal balance, and better sleep. He has appeared repeatedly on Oprah, The Dr. Oz Show, Today, CBS This Morning, Good Morning America, and many more, and he has been profiled in Time, Forbes USA Today and People, and he was also the subject of a three hour special hosted by Barbara Walters.

He lives in North Carolina where for 34 years he happily shared his life with his beautiful wife Bonnie until she passed in 2018. They have three grown daughters and five [00:03:00] grandchildren and he is an avid follower of his own health and relationship advice. Now, for everything that we mentioned in today’s episode, you can check out in the show notes and that is over at melissarambrosini.

com forward slash six one three. Now without further ado, let’s bring on the incredible John Gray.

John, welcome back to the show. This is your third time on the show. Before we dive in, can you tell us what you had for breakfast this morning? 

John: I had a protein shake. I’m doing a special program right now. I read by Dr. Arciero. Which is instead of detoxing through eating less food, detox, lose weight by gaining more food.

So I have a protein shake with 40 grams of protein in it. And I do that three times a day and eat a meal and I’ve lost 15 pounds. 

Melissa: Wow. You look amazing. 

John: Oh, thank you. Thank you. You know, you get [00:04:00] older. If the belly just starts accumulating a little extra fat and, you know, we’ll talk today about how important it is for men to keep their testosterone up.

If a man has a belly that’s constantly producing estrogen and suppressing testosterone, and that causes aging in men. It keeps us from all the good symptoms of having healthy testosterone. So I’m doing my due diligence. And I’ll just say, since you asked me, normally I would fast in the morning. For maybe 10 years, I’ve been doing intermittent fasting, thinking I was doing this great thing by fasting.

You know, only having, uh, a four hour window of eating. And usually I just had dinner. Sometimes if I had lunch with somebody, a social thing. But what that did, after 15 years, I want to warn people, because so many people were doing intermittent fasting. It was great because it stabilized my blood sugar until I had a meal.

Because you don’t have food in your body. But whenever I would eat lunch, I would always feel tired afterwards. And then when I got to 70, I just started feeling less energy. And what is that? And what it turns out to be is all that fasting I did, [00:05:00] intermittent fasting, lowered my metabolism. Anytime you eat less calories than your body needs, your metabolism will start going down.

And I just have to share that with people, because intermittent fasting was fantastic. Lost weight so quickly, had lots of energy, but my metabolism was slowly going down. All after just, uh, maybe three weeks of super high protein diet, my metabolism’s back. I lost weight, but I gained muscle mass, which means I just burned off fat.

I got rid of that belly, which helps me have more testosterone. That gives me more motivation in life, more mission. That just activates masculinity. It’s so important. So that’s my breakfast. I had a nice protein shake. 

Melissa: Beautiful. Well, like I said, you look amazing and your skin is glowing and it’s so great to have you back here for the third time.

Now your episode is one of the most downloaded episodes of all time. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. And that was episode 227. And your second episode, Mars and Venus in the bedroom and [00:06:00] how to have great sex, which was episode 414. Again, both of these episodes are in the top 10 most downloaded episodes on my show with over 600 episodes.

So you are definitely a favorite over here in my world. And I just want to say, hands down your book, men are from Mars, women are from Venus. I know you’ve got lots of books, but that book in particular is one of my all time favorite books on relationships. And it is a book that I recommend to so many friends and my clients.

And what my husband and I did is we read it at the same time. And then we would discuss the chapter and we would implement everything that we’d read into our life. So it was a beautiful thing to do. And we shared that with lots of our friends and our clients. And so many of our friends and clients now do that as well.

And I’m so glad that we did this before we had our daughter. My daughter is now three and a half. And what this did was it gave us a powerful foundation. And as you know, [00:07:00] when you have kids, especially little kids. So much shifts in your relationship, but I’m so glad that we had that foundation and that’s all thanks to you.

So thank you. I’m so grateful. As you know, I love your work, but now what a lot of people don’t know about you is that you were a celibate monk devoted to enlightenment practices for nine years. And then you came out of that world, you married, you started your own family, and you eventually wrote the bestselling book, men are from Mars, women are from Venus.

So I want to know how has your meditation and your energy practices evolved over the past 50 years and how does that continue to influence your work in relationships and personal development? 

John: Wow. That’s a wonderful question. And thanks for summarizing my life so nicely. Well, first of all, You know, men are from Mars is the classic you’re in Australia, right?

Melissa: Yes. 

John: Okay. Now, when I wrote that book, one of the first places I went on the tour was to [00:08:00] Australia and everybody said, Oh, they’re not going to be open to it. And I had some friends from Australia. I said, no, they’re going to love it more than anybody because they understand and that culture, men and women are different.

So all I’m going to do is validate, you know, back then and back early, there was a real popular song there about a man in his shed. The shed is the cave. Is that men have to go to their cave and it’s doesn’t mean you don’t love your wife doesn’t mean your marriage is going to go down the tube. Men need more space, generally speaking, than women.

When you’re in a relationship, we have children. And what one of my friends, I wrote a book with him called Warren Farrell. I recommend everybody read his book, which is called why men are the way they are. It’s really good. He takes a different spin on everything I do. I teach how to talk to your partner so they’ll listen.

He talks about how to listen so that your partner feels heard. That’s really good at that. I wrote that book with him and then now I have this book here, which is Beyond Mars and Venus. Have you read this by the way? Have you seen this one? 

Melissa: Yes. [00:09:00] And I’ve read Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. 

John: Okay. Mars and Venus in the Bedroom is another one to read with your partner.

And I wrote that book, I read it with my partner as well. So wonderful conversations because often people don’t talk that much about what’s important in the bedroom and what you like, what you don’t like. And it’s a nice way of, Oh, we could try that kind of a thing. So it’s positive in that sense. When I look at this book and I see these are the bio hacks in here.

And I think I’m going to write a book eventually, which we’ll talk about today. And we’ve already talked some about is how, what I say are due for my wife raises her estrogen and how she responds to what I say and do or motivates me to do. Will raise her estrogen and raise my testosterone. So it’s, you know, we’re seeing a hormone crisis in the world today.

How can we support that? And rarely do people realize that the biggest factor and hormone production is your relationships with friends, with children, with [00:10:00] bosses, with money, with intimacy, and To have a relationship be like it was in the beginning, many people say, I want it to be like it was in the beginning.

It’s because in the beginning, you had this newness. After a few years, it’s routine and it’s not that new. But with the newness, you get a free dopamine. You’re almost like cocaine. And what effect that has is when the man’s with his wife, testosterone shoots way up. And when the woman’s with him, the dopamine causes estrogen levels to go way up.

So what you get there is a natural polarity where I’m more masculine. She’s more feminine. That’s what creates the sexual attraction. The newness is just what stimulates the dopamine, which then produces the hormones of masculinity and men hormones of femininity and women. That creates like the poles of magnets polarity.

They attract or they repel. So once you have. The newness goes away. How do you keep that spark? You [00:11:00] get that spark by making sure your communication, your behaviors with yourself and with others are going to keep men’s testosterone levels much higher than his wife’s and her estrogen levels much higher than him and that you restore that attraction.

It can last a lifetime. It can if people learn how to maintain that polarity. 

Melissa: Yes, I absolutely agree. I’m so glad I learned this early in my marriage. We’ve been married for over 10 years. And I’m just so glad because I can see how many modern relationships dissolve because they just don’t have this understanding of polarity.

So I want to hear from you. What are some modern techniques that couples can use to overcome common relationship challenges such as digital distractions and maintaining intimacy in a fast paced world or after children or after being in long term relationship or even just overcoming conflict. So how?

John: People have heard two talks with me with you, and if [00:12:00] somebody starts to feel offended or resists what I’m about to say, you really have to look at the other two talks to understand what I’m about to say. But I’m happy to go into actual practical things that you can do in a relationship and why to do it.

They’ll sound controversial if you don’t understand that men and women really are different. And first one, never ask a man what he feels, never ask your husband, what are you feeling? Why? Well, first of all, you can say, what are you thinking? And that’s fine. And as a matter of fact, if he said you’re having a conversation and you’re saying something that he doesn’t really grab right away, and maybe he’s being blamed, or maybe he’s supposed to do something.

Maybe my wife is even talking about the weeds have overgrown in the, in the backyard and maybe she’s complained about it twice. Well, I’m here that I’m going to go, okay, is she really that mad at me? Is it really that big of a deal or should I get it done right away? Or what’s more important for me to do?

And. Can I postpone that because I have to do something else? [00:13:00] See, he’s thinking about a lot of stuff and it’s kind of subconscious. He’s kind of mulling it over, taking it in, and when he does that, he disconnects from estrogen. He disconnects from feelings. Men can immediately disconnect from feelings because we have way 10 times more testosterone if we’re healthy.

And a woman has 10 times more estrogen. Estrogen allows you to feel connection. So you feel connected. And women need that extra estrogen otherwise they’re stressed and we’ve covered that in the other talks and men need that extra testosterone otherwise they’re stressed and they’re in a bad mood. So, suddenly you’re having a conversation with a guy and you notice, cause she’ll notice right away, he doesn’t notice any change at all.

But he’ll just take in what you’re saying, maybe look around, look down, no eye contact and she goes, What just happened? Because she will feel the lack of connection between the two of them. Now, women only cut off connection when they’re mad at you. Okay. Like if you really [00:14:00] get mad at your husband, it’s like, I’m not talking to you.

Okay. And when you’re mad at the woman, basically your connections going down, your estrogens going down. Okay. So it’s like when you’re happy and you’re feeling loving, you feel supported, your estrogens going up. So it’s, you know, it makes us, More simple, we’re using hormones. So, at that time, it’s very shocking.

So here’s a hack. As soon as you start to feel like, I want to know what he’s feeling, really subconsciously, you’re wanting to know, is he mad at you? You’re wanting to know, is he with you? You’re wanting to know if he’s thinking about what you’re talking about. You’re wanting to know, is, what’s going on with him?

Because you’ll feel a change. Simple hack. You just simply say to him, so you’re thinking about what I said. And he’ll say, yes. And that saying yes will give you the reassurance that you need, that he’s not trying to ignore you, that he’s not mad at you, that he cares about you, that you’re important, all of that little tone of voice, you’ll always get a yes.

But if you say to him, what are you feeling? It’s just the worst thing. 

Melissa: Is how are you? Okay. Or is, [00:15:00] what do you think better? 

John: No, you don’t want to know how he is. You don’t ever ask him, how are you? I’m always good. I’m fine. I’m fine. Just, I’m fine. You know, in another situation, is everything good? You know, I think that’s better.

Everything good, but not in that moment and that moment. Cause he’s been having a conversation with you. He pulls away. You just simply you’re seeking reassurance. You’re not really seeking. Are you good? You’re wanting to make sure. Are you good with me? Just get the right answer. So you’re thinking about what I said, or you’re thinking about it.

And he’ll say, yes, I’m thinking about it. And when he’s the tone of voice of yes, will give you the reassurance that he’s not mad at you. So that’s a little hack. Now what happens, let’s say a man comes home and he’s stressed from the day. What does a woman need? Now, not all women know what they need, by the way.

You know, some, how do you tell me what I need? I say, well, not everybody knows what they need in that moment. And the doctor, if you’re sick, he’ll tell you, you need vitamin D. Mm hmm. That’s what you need. You’re getting more sunshine. You’re not [00:16:00] getting enough sunshine, you’re going to be sick. Your immune system is going to be weak.

Or what do you need? You need to not be doing, eating too much sugar, for example. That will weaken your immune system. So a health expert tells you what you need and motivates you to do it. What I do when people are sick, basically, they’re not getting what they need in their relationships. I help them know what they need.

So that’s why a man can tell a woman what she needs if she’s not happy. Cause that’s what I do and that’s why so many women read my books because they want their husbands to know what she needs. And somehow the way I communicate it, cause I speak Mars, men can hear it without feeling that he’s being blamed.

It’s hard to communicate to a man what you need without him feeling that you’re being demanding or you’re being critical or you’re judging him or whatever. That’s why having an umbrella of the understanding of how men and women are different. You don’t always have to ask what’s most important to you.

He already knows, and you can also communicate it to him what’s the most important, but there’s ways to do it and there’s [00:17:00] the timing of doing it. So the hack there, okay, so what, how do we do with that? So a husband comes home and he’s feeling bad. Well, what would she want if she’s feeling bad or sad or disappointed or she was frustrated?

What does she want, generally, if she knows what she needs? She needs to talk about it. This used to be all women related to that. Now women don’t. They’re too busy to talk about it. But you need to talk. Because if you can talk about what’s bothering you, any stressful thing that’s going on in your life, or if something really good happened, you want to talk about it.

Okay, so talking allows women’s estrogen levels to go up. Particularly if they’re talking about how they feel inside, what’s going on inside, they want to share that. If she’s going through stressful time, difficult thing, or just she learned something she needs to tell her partner. If she can tell her partner and get a positive response from them, her estrogen will go up.

If she can’t get a positive response from them, then her estrogen will go down, her stress level [00:18:00] will go up. And then after a while, she won’t want to talk to him. So the first thing I have to say to women is you need to be able to talk about what’s going on. So that’s a hack for women. If you talk about problems, which is often labeled as complaining, what I’m talking about is not complaining.

It’s sharing. So now this takes wisdom. What’s the difference between complaining and sharing? If you’re in a restaurant with a girlfriend and the soup is too cold, you say, Hey, what’s your soup like? And mine’s too cold. And she goes, well, I don’t like mine either. You know, this restaurant, this is expensive soup.

They should make a pot. I don’t know if I want to come back here again. That’s not complaining. That’s sharing and women do it all the time. They love talking about problems and this is not good. And that’s not good. And that person’s not good. And this, they’re just sharing. But what is complaining is when you’re in the restaurant and your soup’s not hot enough and you say, waiter, my soup is too cold.

It’s not hot enough. I want a [00:19:00] hot soup. That’s complaining. And not only are you asking for someone to change based upon what you feel, but you’re wanting them to not only change and give you the soup, you expect to have a little bonus like a drink or a dessert and any good restaurant would do that. So, what you’re asking, when you’re complaining, you’re actually asking for more.

When you’re sharing, you’re not asking for more. So when you share problems with your partner, if you’re doing it to get them to change, not only will he not hear you, because it’s not a good communication skill, but when he doesn’t hear you, your estrogen levels won’t go up. And then you’ll feel like it didn’t work.

So you’ll do more and more. It should work. What’s the solution there? Because the biggest estrogen producer, making love is the biggest, but you have to do a lot of estrogen before that, to top it off with making love, is what happens in a counseling session, for example. I’m sitting here, and I’m listening to a woman talk, and [00:20:00] I’m, Not just hearing her story, but I’ll say, and how did that feel?

And you’re probably frustrated about that. Yes. I was so frustrated and that would make me angry. Are you angry about that? Yes. I’m angry about that. And, oh, that’s hurts. That must hurt so much. So I’m sort of leading her in the direction of feeling emotion when she talks, because when you talk and you feel emotion, you produce more estrogen.

If you just tell a story, somebody is listening to you. You need somebody to hear you. Whenever you. Interact in any situation where you need help, estrogen goes up. So this is why as a mother of your children. Your husband is, if he’s helping your estrogen goes up. If you don’t have a husband to help your estrogen doesn’t go up.

And as a single mother without a husband to help you, you’re way more stressed than other women. And you can be thinking another reason for that, of course, is I’m trying to earn a living and I’ve got to raise my children. I have time. I’m missing my children. Those are all the external things I’m talking about.

The internal thing, which [00:21:00] is even if you’re in that situation, if you had somebody Who could hear you. And that’s why many women go to therapists, our coaches or our counselors, 90 percent of the people who go to a counselor are women. My counseling is always strategic and therapeutic, which is not just listening to women talk or a man talk is getting them to get to the crux of the matter, which is what is the emotion that makes you feel and what other emotions are there?

Because the more I can get a woman to cry or feel anger or to share with me, how scared she is. In a safe setting, huge estrogen levels will go up, her fear will go down, her stress will go down. Her perspective on reality will change. And everybody knows that. You can be upset about something and ten minutes later it’s gone.

And usually it’s time, when time passes, you’re getting enough support and stimulation so that that problem that was so big is not so big. You can cut to the chase by [00:22:00] just raising estrogen. And that’s a hack, which is women have to learn, I need to use my husband to raise my estrogen. So how can I raise my estrogen?

It only going to go up if I share what I’m feeling about problems, things that I can’t, you know, you’re a business woman. You can’t go tell everybody what you’re feeling. It’s not that world. And often women feel the workplace is against them because it’s Traditional male rules. It’s a world that’s created by men for men, not against women, but it’s for testosterone.

And it’s not an estrogen world and estrogen world is if somebody doesn’t do well, you give them more like a mother. If one of your children is falling behind, you’re going to give that child more. In the work world, if somebody achieves more, they get more. We have to understand, particularly for the male side of us, we need to achieve.

We need to accomplish. We need to go beyond our boundaries. This is like, I set a goal, one of the easiest hacks for men to produce testosterone every day, [00:23:00] have a schedule. Where you have, this is my goal. This is my goal. This is my goal. And then do what you have to do to achieve that goal. Just sleeping on every night before I go to bed, I look at my calendar the next day and I go, I, this is what I’m going to do is what I have to do this feeling of, I have to do something and then doing it produces testosterone for a woman feeling, I have to do this produces testosterone, but raises her stress.

Unless she feels another biohack, which is I go to work. And I’m going to be producing this male hormone most of the time, because that’s the world of work. It’s about not about me. It’s not about getting what I personally need. It’s about me serving you personally and then getting a reward. So that’s that world.

I can’t say to my wife, Oh honey, you know, I’m going to go mow the lawn and I want you to give me a reward. You know, I do that because I love her and she does things for me because they love me. It’s just different rules. We can’t expect it to be the same. But when a women are in the work world, what they [00:24:00] can do is keep their estrogen By being in the work world and being conscious that I’m going to go home when I leave and get my extra support to raise my estrogen.

I’m going to be able to come home. My husband is going to be attentive to me, hear my feelings. I’m going to do it in an efficient way so he doesn’t get bored. Because if you just, you know, if you just talk about what’s bothering you, it can be very boring to a man because he doesn’t necessarily relate to those things.

And you can’t expect them to, you know, if you’re at a wedding, you see all of the women all about fussing about their hair and they’re getting ready, guys aren’t doing that, but on a tux it’s the same thing. And after the wedding, everybody’s looking at the car and the engine of his new car, you know, not that many women are standing around, there could be a few.

And these are women who are on their male side and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. And everybody’s different in terms of personality. However, if that woman is stressed or single and can’t seem to fall in love, it’s because she’s [00:25:00] too far on her male side. She needs to work at coming back to her female side.

Female side is where you lower stress. Male side is where you have success. For men, success is how we lower stress. And then fulfillment is when we go to our female side, having been successful. So there’s a whole different dynamic here between men and women. So the hack for me, because it’s my job now, I want to make sure a lot of little things to keep her estrogen up.

So the first rule, which you guys loved admitted from Mars, I’m sure your husband loved that thing on scoring points for the opposite sex. 

Melissa: We joke about this all the time. He’s like, I’d go out, I make a million dollars. One point. I come home, I put my daughter in the bath and I clean up 50 points. 

John: The little things is what builds the estrogen up.

So the way it’s said in that book, it’s nicely said is on Venus. Every act of love. Big or small has the same impact. So I can get 50 [00:26:00] roses. I’m going to get a surge of estrogen in her. I can bring one rose. I’m going to get almost the same surge of estrogen. And then I bring another rose and I bring a three roses this time, a little variety to the whole thing.

So it’s the little things that count to keep women’s estrogen up. And a woman, if she anticipates that my husband does all these little things for me, she can be. You know, running a busy company and her estrogen levels will stay up because she’s anticipating coming back to a relationship where someone prioritizes her.

And the biggest, again, when we talk about that, when you have a man who is committed to you, commitment is a major estrogen stimulator. And my next book, I’ll be talking about. Another thing which science has revealed is that only married men, when they make love to their wives or when they have sex with their wives, however you want to call it, they make a hormone called prolactin.

If you’re single, you don’t make a hormone called prolactin. If you masturbate, you don’t make [00:27:00] prolactin. If you do it online porn or have a one night stand or whatever, you don’t make prolactin. 

Melissa: Is that the same for women? 

John: No, it’s the thing for men. See, for men, what prolactin does is Causes him to not be interested in other women.

You know, if a man has sex and he has at least some estrogen, he can’t have sex right away again. In the beginning he can, because there’s no prolactin, but after you start caring about a woman and loving her. Once you ejaculate, then you need a recovery period. And generally that recovery period is three to four days for many men after their marriage.

It’s like before he gets horny again. But very quickly as the prolactin builds, the length of time before he’s horny again becomes longer. So this is the research on prolactin. First we’ll look at the research on testosterone. And we might have covered this on our other talk, but for a man, if he has sex on Saturday night And then he has sex on [00:28:00] Tuesday.

After each time he has sex, his testosterone goes down to baseline. Then he has sex on Tuesday from baseline. It goes back up and comes back down to baseline. Then on Saturday, he has sex again. It starts at baseline and it goes up and it comes back down. Now that’s the cycle most couples are in after a while is sex twice a week.

It’s kind of keeping up with the Joneses. But what happens is, and this is now research showing, this is data, two major studies on this. A man ejaculates on Saturday night and he abstains from sex for six days. Now, you can do a lot of stuff, just don’t ejaculate for six days. If you don’t ejaculate for six days and you’re a man, when you wake up on Saturday morning, your testosterone is 50 percent higher than in your baseline.

Now, what that means is that a woman will feel, Oh, my husband, he’s like he was in the beginning. See, women can sense, you know, the enthusiasm, the desire, the interest in her becomes [00:29:00] routine after a while, which makes her estrogen go down. But when his suddenly interest gets a peak on Saturday morning, cause he had six days, it affects her hormones.

So what affects her hormones is he’s going to put more, when his testosterone goes higher in her presence. His pheromones will go out and raise her estrogen up and puts her more in the mood. So, which is the whole exciting thing when you’re at the beginning of a relationship. So, that’s the hack, which is don’t masturbate men, because a lot of men, after a while, their wives are really not that interested in having sex twice a week.

So they’ll end up doing this thing, which completely neutralizes her interest in sex. They don’t realize it. You know, it was just like women need a man who is basically celibate unless he’s with her. It’s simply, you don’t indulge in sexual feelings, energy. It’s like you’re losing your sex energy. It’s like a bank account of sexual potency.

And when you’re. Craving after some girl or looking at some naked woman or [00:30:00] masturbating over that bank account is just empty. It takes time to rebuild and that’s what we see. The six days of abstinence will cause rebuilding. So that’s a biohack, which is don’t have too much sex and occasionally have too much sex.

You know, you don’t want to be always following exactly every rule, but just know that This is another hack that people unconsciously do, now we can consciously be aware of it. When you take a woman on a vacation, remember, estrogen gets produced when people do things for her. When she feels, I can depend on someone to do something for me, estrogen goes up.

When we talked about talking about feelings, what’s he doing for you? He’s making a safe space for you to talk about your feelings without judgment. When a woman shares what’s inside, she needs to feel that. I will be loved. I will be seen as a good person. I will not be seen as negative. I will be seen as cherished in the same way as when you get naked.

You don’t get naked in front of anybody. You want to be able to get [00:31:00] naked with somebody who adores you and loves you. And then you feel safe that nobody’s going to be judging you or criticizing you. And the Hawaii thing is why that’s so good is, or could be anywhere, beautiful. First of all, a woman in a beautiful environment raises her estrogen.

Femininity is beauty. Femininity is beauty. So you’re in a beautiful environment and there’s no pressure on her to make money, that’s one. Two, now that estrogen can go up. She has plenty of time to think about what she’s going to wear. She has plenty of time to think about where we’re going to eat. It’s a sense of plenty, abundance.

And more importantly, she’s in a bedroom that somebody cleaned up for her. Somebody else during it, your mind is like completely open. There’s no responsibilities. You don’t have to clean the house. You know, you have to worry about plumbing problems. And if there is one, you call somebody and they’ll take care of you.

You’ve got that little VIP line and they’ll, Oh, what can we do for you? You know, you can order dinner there. You don’t have [00:32:00] to make dinner. There’s no have tos. It’s all I get to and it’s people who are there to take care of you. You know, there was a time where we went from not having a lot of money, but we still enjoyed our vacations to having more money with the success of my books.

And people would say to Bonnie, what’s it like to, you know, have all this abundance of your, that you have. And Bonnie would say, we pretty much do the same stuff, but what makes it really great is people are so much nicer to you when you pay more for a hotel room. For her, it was more the relationships and people being happy to see you willing to do things for you.

And so one of the biohacks that I have is every day, a woman needs to feel that she’s got a VIP line to have somebody do something for her. 

Melissa: Oh my gosh, I’m just thinking about this and I’m like, I would love this so much. So tell me, how can I have a VIP line? 

John: So I want to give you an example. One day I was really tired, you know, I give it everything and then I need some cave time.

So I get my cave time and, but she’s made dinner [00:33:00] and she wants to sit and have a conversation with him at dinner. So I, I will power it up, you know, have a conversation. I tend to eat faster, so I’m done eating and she’s not done having a conversation. And I’m like, I just want to go watch the news. That’s my cave time.

And she’s nobody want to talk. Then she said to me, okay, you can have your cave time. I just need 10 minutes. As soon as she said, I just need 10 minutes. All my energy came back. There’s a thing about men that when there’s a time limit, when there’s an end to something, when he clearly knows something has a definite end, and then he is a good guy, okay, he did his job.

He gets a surge of testosterone, focus, energy, motivation. Wow. That was like amazing. And then I gave her 20 minutes because I had so much energy, but I reminded her, well, honey, it’s actually been 20 minutes now. She’s okay. Go watch TV. Go to that. But anyway, so I learned from that, and so then created this particular hack.

Because you have to [00:34:00] remember, part of women’s major source of stress is not enough estrogen. Estrogen doesn’t get produced when you feel, I have to do something. I have to do it. When it’s, I get to do it, I enjoy doing it. I like to do it, or more importantly, I have help so I can do it. There’s a big estrogen producer.

So women, they get into this mode of, first of all, women’s brains are different. They don’t turn off. Okay. Because you’re designed differently. So that you can always be present for a baby to hear a noise to whatever a men’s brains can turn off. Harvard did the study on the brains showing that when women sit down to relax, their brain speeds up.

When men sit down to relax, they stop thinking basically. And you can ask him, what are you thinking? He’ll say nothing. Women go, impossible. And maybe something’s going on, but he doesn’t even know it. If I’m watching a TV show and go have a drink, somebody says to me, what were you watching? I might’ve forgotten because it’s so mindless.

So men need a mindless time, but women can’t go there easily. I’ll just put it that way. And the, the busyness is there, it’s been tested out. And part of that busyness [00:35:00] in the brain is low estrogen feeling. I have to do this. I have to do this. Your brains are going to be busy. They see, well, this needs to be done.

This needs to be done. This needs to be done. This needs to be done. This needs to be done. So they get into a pattern of, I have to. So this exercise is a pattern interrupt. Okay. It’s a pattern interrupt. Often, a woman will. Their stress levels will build up and she’s fine, and then it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

I’m sure you can relate to that. Just one more thing and suddenly, kabang. 

Melissa: Yes. Absolutely. 

John: So, the thing about little things make a difference is you’re taking that straw off. All you need is to take that straw off, and many times has a big impact. So this, the pattern interrupts from feeling, I have to, I have to, I have to, Oh, here’s something I would have to do for myself.

But I don’t have to do it because my husband is overjoyed and thrilled to do it. He’s your genie bottle who comes out and says [00:36:00] three wishes, whatever you’d like. But the limit to this is you do this every day. And it’s a woman’s, I suggest her role at some time when he’s not in his caves. Okay. When he’s in his cave, that’s different.

But when he’s out of the cave, put your hand up five fingers, which says, I’m going to make a request. This is what it means without having to say the words five fingers up. I’m going to make a request that I could easily do myself, but I don’t have to do because you’re going to do it for me. Therefore I don’t have to do it.

See, remember little things can have the same effect as big things. So it’s just to interrupt it with, here’s a have to do, even if you want to do it, but it’s something I, I want to do that, but I would have to do it. So you’re going to take away something you have to do and you’re going to do something that you really don’t like doing, but you’re going to learn to do.

You put your hand up with five seconds and you’re going to ask him to do it. And it’s going to be easy to ask him to do it because this is the rule. This is the exercise. He’s going to know this is a way I can help my wife relax and have more [00:37:00] estrogen and feel happier because every man wants his wife to be happy.

And if it’s only five minutes, there’s not a man on this planet who won’t say I will stop whatever I’m doing and I will be overjoyed to do that for you. And so it’s an unusual experience because if you were to just say your husband was watching TV or reading a book or online doing whatever he’s doing.

And you said, Oh honey, would you make me a cup of tea? What are you talking about? You make a tea. You can do that. Why would you do that? And she’s probably never even asked him because she would think he would say that and she would think, well, I can make it for myself. I can make it for myself. I don’t want to bother him.

So this is where you get the freedom to what you might consider bothering him, won’t bother him because I want my wife to do this because I want her to experience that she doesn’t have to do everything herself. Because if I look as a therapist, one of the major symptoms of when a woman comes into my office, one of the major things that she will feel, I have to do so many things.

There’s no time for me. I can’t relax. [00:38:00] I’m pressured to do this. Or she’s feeling resentful and she says, I do so much and nobody does for me. I can give you a seven figure check. That’s one point. Or I can make you a cup of tea. It’s rather than waiting for a man to do lots of little things. Because we have to give men a break.

Our whole life is motivated to do big things in order to get a woman to love us, okay? Because you’re not going to love a man without a job, that’s a big thing, you know? If a guy doesn’t make money, doesn’t put forth effort, wait a second, that is the first requirement. But once you have that requirement, to keep my estrogen up, you need to do lots of little things.

And that’s the new wisdom, and that’s why it’s more important today than ever, because it’s those little things that pump up the estrogen. Now, let’s say you were living, you know, I’ve lived down in various places. I’ve just visited to understand how cultures deal with things and down in the Amazon and going into an Amazon tribe has no Western values at all.

I private plane in a dirt strip, go in a canoe for three hours, five [00:39:00] hours to the jungle, two different translators. You know, this is like, I want to be around people that have never seen the Western world, right? Just hang out with them through a bunch of translators. And first of all, The women have orgasms every night, unless they’re having a period, they have sex.

It’s just, it’s like we eat dinner later in the evening. They’ll have orgasms. Their estrogen levels are so high. Now, why are their estrogen levels so high? They have a culture that we don’t want that culture. I’m not saying have that culture. We can adapt our culture to have also X orgasms every day. But you have to understand why it was providing that.

Because women are not allowed to go into the jungle and same more modern white, not allowed to make money, not allowed to go into where they face risk and danger, make decisions, split the, you know, feel the pressure of survival over there. You only get to be in the village. That’s the first thing they do not feel outcasted by the way.

They feel glad that that’s a dangerous place. Men don’t always come back. They get snake bites. They get bitten, you know, things happen in the jungle. We don’t want to do that because we cherish [00:40:00] the women. Okay. They make life. Then what do the women do? They take care of children, but they feel that they’re being provided by a man.

So if you’re a woman with children and someone’s taking care of you, it gives you the support you need to make estrogen. So now you can take care of your children without being stressed. Cause taking care of children produces testosterone, which is why you’ll see so many single mothers are stressed.

Melissa: Even though mothering is a feminine, loving, nurturing thing? 

John: That’s the thing. It’s the highest state other than orgasm is being a mother who has plenty of estrogen. Because see what an orgasm is for a woman is the estrogen goes higher and higher and then her testosterone matches it. So the point is. The women in the garden, the women cook, the women clean, the women take care of children.

You see them when I’m living there, the men are out, they’re gone. But there’s some men standing guard because there are wild animals. So there’ll always be a man standing guard somewhere. And then the men are out hunting and doing their thing with their [00:41:00] shooters and everything. So the women are gardening.

And there’s always women together and they’re all helping each other. And you don’t actually need to ever ask for anything because women being women are sort of telepathic, intuitive. They know what you need before you need it. You have to know that because you’re raising children who can’t communicate what they need.

So one of the hacks is to realize men are not women. Men do not know what you need. And when you tell them, they will do it. If you do it in a way that works for him and her, and then they will forget. It’s not like they remember. Women go, how many times do I have to tell you? You forget everything, how can you forget?

Now what we men say is, why do you remember everything? When a woman gets upset, she’ll bring it up and get it again and again. Well, there’s biological reasons for that. The hippocampus, where these emotional memories tend to, the brain tends to be very active there, so we can say memories are stored there, although it’s the whole brain, but this is your memory center.

It’s usually twice as big in a woman than a man, [00:42:00] just to know that. And when a woman’s experiencing moderate stress, that’s adrenaline, not cortisol, which is high stress, but under moderate stress, a woman compared to where she is when she’s not producing adrenaline will produce eight times more More blood flow to the hippocampus.

So it increases her emotional reactivity increases under moderate stress, and that would be like, oh, I’m frustrated or I’m rushed or I’m concerned, I’m worried, but not like the, you can’t pay your mortgage. Okay. That’s a different thing. Your child is sick. Okay. So these are big stresses. Now you’ve got the little stresses of life.

It’s the sea of stress we live in. And for a woman, she will experience an increase in blood flow to go the emotional memory, to remember all the things that have gone wrong. So she can make sure things don’t go wrong in the future. See, that’s the way we protect ourselves in the future is a bad thing happens.

Well, we don’t want that to happen. So now we can protect ourselves. So the brain goes to what happened in the past. So women will tend to go to the past [00:43:00] when they’re in adrenaline and worry about the future. Now, to some extent, moderate levels. But the difference between a woman and a man is that a man will decrease blood flow to the emotional part of the brain when there’s adrenaline.

That’s why men like to drive fast. There’s some women that do, of course, but men like to pump up a little adrenaline. You can forget all your problems. There’s nothing to be upset about until it goes to cortisol. When it goes to cortisol, then a man will have higher estrogen than a woman. This is when a man’s having a stress response of cortisol, high stress, he’ll have, if he’s feeling threatened, he’ll either get angry, that’s a fight, or he’ll run away and he’ll be afraid.

So he’s either angry or fearful. So all these men that are irritable and grumpy, it’s their estrogen levels are too high at that time and their testosterone levels are low. So, once again, here’s another hack. When a man is angry, irritable, grumpy, passive, procrastinate, all those [00:44:00] things, what’s going on inside of him is his estrogen is too high and his testosterone is too low.

So now, if he’s like, feeling a bad mood, and he’s in a bad mood, or he’s, you know, not feeling good, what does a woman want to say to him? Oh, what are you feeling? Kind of what we started out with. What’s going on inside? Are you okay? And that’s what you want him to say to you. So now he’s baited into what our culture says all men should do.

Talk about your feelings. So as soon as he starts talking about his feelings, his estrogen will go higher and higher. That’s the high estrogen is what’s causing him to feel stressed. It’s his biological reaction. When estrogen goes high, one of the key factors of producing estrogen is seeking empathy, just seeking empathy.

You know how like if something bad happens. And you’re telling other people about the bad thing that happened. Usually you don’t always focus on the good things that are along with it, or your side of it. People [00:45:00] tend to exaggerate sort of the bad part of it, you know, because they’re looking for empathy.

When a man looks for empathy, his estrogen levels are going up and they’ll go up in higher if she’s happy to give it. So, and what are you going to do? Not listen to him? Women, what do I do? What she has to do is say, basically not listen to him. Don’t ask more questions. It’s the opposite. Of what I suggest to a man when a woman is upset, bothered, do not get fixes.

Do not ask her to get to the point. Say, let’s talk about this. I really want to understand it. Help me understand it better. Tell me more. It’s the opposite of what men want to do. What men want to do is put that fire out as fast as possible. Cut her off. You know, one couple, he says, why would you be upset about that?

Normal people aren’t upset with that. He doesn’t realize it’s a complete insult. He doesn’t get it. Don’t be ridiculous. Yeah. That’s another one. Rolling your eyes. Don’t be ridiculous. That’s not a big deal. Why are you upset? And here’s the irony here. Remember, I just gave that [00:46:00] example of women have more emotional response, so just the emotional tone in your voice.

In the same circumstance, he would not have an emotional tone in his voice. So he’s thinking you’re making a big deal out of it because the only time he has emotions is when it’s a big deal. See, when it’s a big deal, when it’s cortisol, men get very emotional and the worst thing they can do at that time is talk about what they’re feeling.

And what do women do when a man gets emotional? Oh, let me baby you. And so now she’s going to be like a nurturing mother and there’s going to be no sex drive in her at all when she’s nurturing him. What happens for a woman is sex drive comes when her estrogen levels go super high and testosterone then goes super high.

That’s orgasm. Along the way is nurturing. And that’s what we were talking about that I forgot. As a mother, you are the CEO of the house. You’re making testosterone all the time. And what makes nurturing fulfilling is that you also have a partner who does things for you so you don’t feel the [00:47:00] pressure of doing everything because you’re doing everything for that child and you need to feel backup, which is why every culture is always had backup backup for the woman when she has a baby.

And in the case of the Ashwar Indians, it was all the other women were backup. The grandparents were backup. The men were doing their job, which is back up for protection, because protection is the doorway to making estrogen. Protection is the hormone oxytocin. Now I introduced oxytocin back in the 90s, finally when the idea came in the 2000s they actually did research showing that oxytocin is the doorway for estrogen to go up.

Oxytocin means I feel safe. When you feel safe, then you feel I can ask for help. If you don’t anticipate somebody loves you, cares about you, prioritizes you, that you’re not going to ask for help. It’s that. But when you feel safe, you know, you can ask for [00:48:00] help. They’re going to be there for you. It’s that knowing somebody is there for you.

So back to the five second hack. Every day, you’re totally safe to ask him to do something that you would normally do for yourself. And he’s going to do for you. And you’re not going to busy yourself with something else, but you’re just going to wait for him to do it for you. And a lot of couples, the way they do that is they do a foot massage.

And the way I suggest doing the foot massage, you do your own thing too. But it’s to say you do five seconds, you say five minutes. That means five minutes, read job. That’s all it’s going to take. And you’re going to create a surge of estrogen in me. And you say to him, okay, I’d like you to run upstairs. If you have a storehouse or run to my bedroom and get my rose oil, whatever oil you want.

Don’t put it, make it convenient for him. I want to see you run to get it. Run back. Now, take off my shoes. Take off my socks. Massage my right foot. Now I want you to massage my left foot. And you’ve got five minutes to be his boss. In a sense, you’re not really the boss. You’re the woman who rubbed the genie.

He’s [00:49:00] your genie in the bottle. For five minutes and every day. And, you know, what’s interesting is that couples I counsel where she’s still a little angry at him, she won’t ask. See, that’s another thing women do, is when they’re angry, certainly you don’t feel I can trust the person when you’re feeling anger.

So you don’t ask. But this becomes, I put it on her, you know, if you want to soften, if you want to come back to your female side, if you want to be happy, you need to ask him something to do for you that’s easy for him to do, because what’s so interesting is she could say, honey, I want you to mow the lawn.

Okay, I’ll go mow the lawn. That’s a surge of estrogen. She can say, and in my mind, that’s a two hour job. Okay. That’s a big job. So I’m going to go, well, I don’t feel like it right now. I’ll do it on Saturday. Right? So you’re not going to get an immediate response. There’s another thing that keeps women for asking for help.

And that is the biggest hack, which is to give up complaining and start asking for what you want. Or a complaint is just, it’s a sharing of your feelings, [00:50:00] but wanting to change someone. Okay. So every time you share your feelings of discontent to your partner with the intention of him changing, you’re complaining.

And if we had just been together, they would say that’s their only one of their only complaints about their wife. Why? Well, the top one is always, she’s not interested in sex. Two is the, she complains too much. Then three is she nags, which would mean just complaining over and over. And the other one is she’s so controlling and when most women can relate to, she’s not that interested in sex sometimes.

She complains too much. Sometimes she nags, but when a man says, you know, she’s controlling, she really has no idea that she’s controlling. So here’s an understanding for women about men. It’s a bigger picture for just a moment to get the setting. Why this point is going to be made for a man when he’s unhappy in a relationship.

Quite often, what he’ll say is no matter what I do, it never makes her happy. Women rarely say that, okay? Occasionally, women say he’s never happy. [00:51:00] But then she’ll say, well, I say, what’s the problem with that? Well, he doesn’t do anything for me. He’s not listening to me, he doesn’t, it’s always about me, and that’s how women should be because femininity is about receptivity.

It’s the yin and the yang, it’s the opposites coming together in human beings. If we look at the prefrontal cortex, this was great research I heard from someone, which is, the left prefrontal cortex, when it’s blood flowing there, we’re optimistic. We’re optimistic. We’re looking towards the future and it’s all positive when the right prefrontal cortex is activated.

We’re looking at what the problems in the past are anticipating problems and being negative. Okay, so our negativity tends to increase and then you kind of look at why do we have both? Because if we want evolution to occur or we want progress to occur, if we want our lives to get better, the only way it gets better.

As you look at what’s not working and then how to make it work. If you just stay status quo, you don’t make it better. And in a sense, we men embody [00:52:00] to great extent to be a little loose with this, but we embody if it’s not broken, don’t fix it. Everything’s fine, which is why I don’t have sex with him until he’s in a committed relationship.

That’s your power women. You’re the gates. It used to be don’t have sex till you’re married. Now we don’t, you don’t have that power anymore, but you used to have that power. You can get a guy to do anything if he thinks he’s going to get sex end of the passage. But now it’s like, don’t have sex unless you’ve got a good commitment and you had a lot of time to get to know each other, would share each other.

And that’s a hack for her. If you want him to desire you more, don’t have sex with him right away. If you want them to desire you more and you want them to find the part of him that has enough power to commit to you. But today, because we have this illusion that everybody’s getting laid, everybody’s having sex, and it’s not true.

But we have the illusion of that men feel even more pressure to, you know, to feel successful. To have sex with you that, you know, he feels like I won the ball game. And so this is a hack for single women. You can [00:53:00] reject a man without him feeling rejected and hurt and running away. He’s like, maybe you give a kiss or something, which I think is appropriate to even know if somebody’s right for you, the kiss and then stop.

Okay. A little kiss. I mean, if you really can’t bear kissing either one, then don’t, I mean, just you dodge, he comes in for the kiss, you dodge, but you had a nice experience together. And just say, well, well, good night. And just kind of move in a little bit and not too fast for the man. Just be present and see if there’s a response from her and go a little closer.

And I really liked that. A lot of the movies today kind of role play that for men, you know, it’s a good thing, but then don’t go further. His job is to want to go further. Your job is to say, no. How do you say no without making him feel his hurt feelings? Cause men today are overly sensitive. They get their feelings hurt.

This is cause they’re all too much estrogen in men. And we’re trying to get men back to being masculine in my books. When he’s wanting to make more moves and even if your body wants to make more moves, don’t it’s like, but I want to [00:54:00] hear a woman. Okay. When I have a bowl of ice cream, I want another one and another one.

It’s not good for me. It’s not good for the potential of a relationship. If you want to sabotage your relationship, have sex right away. That’s it. That’s my experience with women who judge men and say, Oh, we had sex and he didn’t call back. You know, it’s the old saying, which is if you get the milk for free, you don’t buy the cow.

Men have to earn it. Let’s just back up for this. What she can say. So people know what to say a little kissing. Then he wants some more and it’s just. I, I like to go slow. Okay. Then she’s, and maybe there’s some heat between the two of you. It could be, you do this later after you kissed once you’re dating a bit more.

Now you’re making out touching bodies and then it gets that moment. You have to stop it. You say, I just need to go slow. I think I’m done. Okay. I need to go slow. So you have a quick reason to stop now, his job, sleazy guys job. Oh no, but don’t you feel it? Don’t you want to do it? We should do it. Isn’t it cool to do?

I mean, And what you say, every cell in my body wants to have sex with you. [00:55:00] It’s just I need to go slow. But why, is that I know if we do it, it will be so great and I’m so looking forward to that. Now what you just did, is made it okay for him to feel I’m not being rejected. It’s, it’s a big portion of a male ego is that I had sex, as that she wanted to have sex with me as opposed to we actually had sex.

It’s to know that she wanted it, that I got her to the place where she wanted it. It’s such a powerful thing and of course the hack in a marriage is women cannot want sex unless their estrogen levels go so high. You know, you’re taking care of children all day. You’re not going to suddenly be in the mood for sex.

You’re making different hormones. It’s a different set of hormones. So that’s why we have dating. Now that’s an obvious hack, but I don’t explain why you take her somewhere where somebody’s cooking for her. Somebody’s doing something for her. And she doesn’t have to clean the dishes. She doesn’t have to clean anything.

She doesn’t have to prepare the menu. That is, again, she doesn’t have to do. You’re providing something for her, but then [00:56:00] another hack on top of that, that’s your standard dating app, but it goes South because men will usually say something like this. Well, honey, where do you want to go? And then she’ll say, I don’t know.

And he’ll say, well, why don’t we go here? And she’ll say, sometimes some women will go, okay, let’s go here. Now that happened in my marriage, okay, so I said, Honey, what do you want to do? She goes, I don’t know. I said, well, we could go do this. And she says, okay. Now in her mind, what she’s thinking is I’m a girl.

And I’ll feel guilty if next time I don’t do what she wants. But I’m a guy. So when she says, yes, let’s go see that movie that you like. I’m thinking she wants to go to the movie because that was the best idea. You catch the logic there? If she just agreeably goes along with stuff, I’m not thinking, Oh, we’re always doing what I want to do.

And she’s thinking we always do what he wants to do. We never do what I want to do. And that gets complicated even more because once I heard that. Then it moved into the next stage, which is, [00:57:00] honey, what do you want to do? She says, I don’t know. I said, why don’t we go see this movie? And she says, well, you know, I heard there’s this Rishnikov, you know, he’s this ballet guys, he’s going to be in town.

We could go to the ballet and I go, yeah, we can do that. But this movie is really, really great. And so she then goes, okay, let’s go to the movies. Thinking, she’s giving me the hint, I’m now, if I’m Mr. Wonderful Husband, I’m going to say, hey honey, I bought tickets for Baryshnikov. But in my mind, I’m thinking, she thinks going to the movie was actually better than seeing Baryshnikov.

So these are just misunderstandings, because she doesn’t understand the way a man thinks. If you go along with us, we think it’s a win win for both, when really she’s thinking. Today for you, tomorrow for me. Today for you, tomorrow for me. Men don’t think that way. Girls think that way. You know, it was two women.

Oh, last time we did this, I want to do what you want to do. So, here’s the proper dating hack. He says to her, and you have to know, at least once a week, you have to get away from the kids. You have to get away from the kids. [00:58:00] You have to get a different set of hormones being produced. Which is, it’s for me, something for you.

Dating is not for him. Dating is for her. So you’ll say, what do you want to do? And you need to be prepared. You know, romance is a two way street. The preparation is every week you have to come up with on your own. What are three things I would love to do this weekend, which are in the realm of possibility.

Maybe one’s a little more expensive. One’s not so expensive. One’s cheaper or one we could easily do when we cannot just, it has to be three things in the realm of possibility. And then you say, So he’s going to basically ask you every week. His job is to say, Hey honey, next week, what do you want to do?

And her job is to already be prepared with three things she would like to do. Then what he says is, okay, I know she tells three things and then she says, you pick, so he picks the thing, which now she doesn’t have to worry about whether he’s going to like it or not because he picked it. [00:59:00] So he’s going to pick based upon what he chooses to do.

And then you kind of get these whiny men who go, why don’t we do what I want to do? You can do whatever you want to do. This is to help produce estrogen in her. It’s called one day a week, you plan something, you deliver something. She basically informs you of three things she would like. Now, why is that significant to give him three things?

Because he gets to own it as his own. He decided to do it. He came up with the idea. You know, women always complain. My husband always says, I tell him something and he does it. He takes credit for it. You want a man to take credit for it. A quick story, my wife’s 50th birthday, and I want to do something special and have all the grandchildren and the family come together at some resort.

And I found this really great deal. We all could come, we had our own private beach, and it was like Mexico, it was very inexpensive. I got a half price deal, however I got it, you know. But I spent a whole weekend [01:00:00] doing it on the computer, looking and looking, so she could see me toiling to do this thing.

She saw that. Then we’d go on the vacation, come back, she’s got pictures. For years, she would show the pictures of the vacations. You know, I got t shirts for everybody that says mom’s 50th, yeah. It was really sweet. And every time she would tell that story, people would say, where’d you find this place?

She’s, Oh, John found it. This is how women feel more estrogen is to give credit to their husbands. Cause it’s like if my wife’s in their office and I send flowers, that’s feathers in her hair. You know, somebody did this for me. A woman can show off by talking about what my husband did for me. I show up, show off, but look what I did for my wife.

And again, it’s just, you know, Biological basis of testosterone goes up when look what I did. I did a good job and a woman, her estrogen goes up and look at the support I have in my life. All my grandchildren, my children, my husband, he spent the whole week [01:01:00] doing this, but I had to ask her first. I said, tell me some things you would like to do.

And she gave me some pictures of what she would like to do for her anniversary. And she let me know. And then I did it, but see, I got to own it. You know, if you went to a good movie and you’re talking about the movie you went to and said, well, how’d you find out about that movie? You said, oh, you know, my husband decided to take us there as opposed to, I told him to do it.

Men don’t want to be bossed and women don’t want to feel like they’re bossing you. And yet they want you to lead them where they want to go. That’s another hack I have to say for all the wonderful Christian people, and I’m a Christian people, is there’s this thing about the man is the leader of the family.

Okay, he’s the head, she’s the heart, and there’s some truth to that because men are more in their head, but actually women today are way more in their head. They’re busy. This whole idea of leadership, the man should be the leader to take her where she wants to go. See, that’s the dynamic. It’s like, think of the leader in a dance, which by the way, another [01:02:00] biohack to produce estrogen that we talked about in the very beginning is, he guides her in the dance, he knows the steps that she knows, and he takes her where she wants to go so she can relax.

As he provides for her, what she would like. And that’s the leadership, but the leadership is not, we’re going to do it my way and that’s it. And so you get a lot of abusive relationships where men kind of think, well, I’m the man on, I have to lead everything that’s in South America, that’s called the macho guy.

You know, and if you look at a macho guy, you’ll see his estrogen levels are too high. Anytime a man demands to controls his testosterone levels are low. When a man has high testosterone. He’s not feeling like I have to control, somebody else can do it, great, I’ll do it if somebody wants me to do it.

There’s no attachment to look at me, how big I am. Because a man, his primary source of happiness in the relationship is providing happiness for his partner. Her primary source of happiness, not survival, but [01:03:00] happiness, is him providing emotional support in some way to make her life easier, okay, and to hear her, to see her, to care about her.

So this is the dynamic. And so, there’s a kind of unfair advantage that. Women have, which is if all she has to do is feel unhappy and I feel I have to change myself. Now she’s just over there sharing. I’m unhappy. I don’t like this. I don’t like this. And he’s not really going like, my gosh, I have to change myself.

Otherwise my wife won’t be happy. If a man is not in a good mood and so forth, it sounds like women lead men because they’re not happy. Okay. They don’t say, occasionally they do say my husband’s not happy, but as I mentioned, they say, and so I don’t get what I want. Okay. The bottom line here is that women have such a power that they don’t use and they don’t know about.

If you think of power, there’s two kinds of power. One is I’ll call the masculine power. One’s the feminine power. What we want is both. So keep that clear. The masculine power is, look what I can do. Look at the results I can produce. [01:04:00] Look at what I can make happen. Okay, this is power. I can make money. I can help people.

I can solve problems. I can build rockets. Okay, this is what I can do. I can manage people successfully. I can build this business. That all is power. And it’s a testosterone goes up as you have that. Estrogen power, feminine power, is, look what I can get other people to do for me. Instead of new age terms, it’s the law of attraction.

You have to attract opportunity. You know, for me, I have my male power, which can deliver helpful ideas, but I have my female power can attract you to want to do an interview with me so I can reach more people. So that’s the two aspects. When you have male and female power together, what you experience is success and what you do confidence in what you do, but simultaneously with that is joy and happiness and fulfillment.

That’s our female side. So if I’m just grinding out the hours, [01:05:00] I’m not making any estrogen, but I could also be successful, but I won’t be fulfilled in life. And this is fulfillment primarily comes through relationship. People don’t know what fulfillment is. They say, well, I’m fulfilled, but they don’t know what that fulfillment is until they have loving relationships.

It’s a whole, you don’t know what you don’t know. And that fulfillment comes in a committed relationship. Biologically, I can give you the hormone of fulfillment and the hormone of fulfillment is prolactin. When you have prolactin, the research is showing that when a man has sex with his wife or is just committed to his wife, and he’s not having sex with anybody else, he’s not masturbating, it’s his wife, whether they’re having sex or not, he has high levels of prolactin and he lives longer.

Couples who are married live longer and people will say to me, and that’s the data, and that’s And they say, well, that’s the happy couples. No, that’s all couples. If they stay married, they’re going to live longer [01:06:00] than anybody else in that category. We’re happy or not, because when you’re committed, no matter what, I’m going to keep my word, I’m going to be there for her, and I’m going to stay in this relationship no matter what, even though whatever it is.

At least he’s going to be making prolactin and that prolactin makes her feel safe, which will produce more estrogen, maybe not as much as the other ones. Who are happily married, which are a lot. There’s a lot of happily married people. It’s just that they’re a small category. Okay. So there’s a lot of, so many single people, twice as many single people today, so much divorce.

That’s the condition we’re in. We’re no longer those Ashwar Indians who don’t get divorced, but they have lots of sex and women have lots of orgasms. And then a man, what can be more fulfilling to a man than a woman to experience a peak of fulfillment? And it doesn’t have to be every day like them. Okay.

It can be ideally once a week on a regular basis, the opportunity for her estrogen levels to go up, but it has to be having foreplay. Foreplay is the ultimate hack. I did a whole talk with [01:07:00] you on all the things about sexuality. And that’s so important for people to learn. I’ve got my book, Mars, Venus in the Bedroom, and that talk actually explained some things I don’t put in the book.

The book has got the basics, but then we go further. I doubt if I talked about prolactin in that. Prolactin is this longevity, it’s the commitment hormone. And what’s interesting is that commitment builds a prolactin, but then prolactin increases commitment. Why? Why what prolactin does, it inhibits.

Dopamine production, which would normally see a new and different woman, you’re gonna get dopamine, you’re gonna get a rise in testosterone. And therefore there’s temptation even to think about it, even to masturbate, whatever fantasy. And ironically, couples therapists are telling couples to fantasize watch porn.

This short term. Yeah, you’ll get an erection, men thinking about another woman, but she’s getting no energy from you. She needs to feel your attention, your affection, your warmth, your desire, your commitment. [01:08:00] You’ve got a lot of hacks out of me, but there’s so many more. So I try to pack in as much as I can.

But this is my sweetest thing. If you want to feel the way you felt in the beginning of the relationship, and this is what women will say a lot. You have to feel the way you felt in the beginning of the relationship. So what did you feel in the beginning of the relationship? What you felt is, does he like me?

Does he love me? Is he committed to me? Does he think I’m beautiful? Is he happy to be with me? Is he feel lucky to be with me? Is he mad at me if he had an argument or something? Has he let go of his anger and he’s happy with me? These are the things that you feel in the beginning of a relationship. Now, if you were to say that again, if you were to say to a man, do you love me?

He’d say, well, of course I love you. Why are you asking that? And we’ll just say it. I love you. Okay. He’s going to say it from his head. Okay. Because for men to actually feel love, a woman has to reveal herself. Think [01:09:00] about when a man starts to feel in love with a woman and sees her naked body. Okay, she reveals herself.

She’s vulnerable. She reveals herself. Men get turned on. Naked women turn men on, okay? What is she doing? She’s revealing to him what she doesn’t show anybody else. Unfortunately, another reason that testosterone goes down in males today is that all the girls are revealing themselves. So it’s not special anymore.

If a woman reveals herself, And doesn’t reveal herself to other people, then it’s special. It means I’m in more important than anybody else. She only shows that to me. So that raises my testosterone. But if she’s showing to everybody, it’s like, there’s nothing special. She’s doing that all the time. So there’s a thing to some modesty is very, very helpful where you show more to your partner than anybody else.

Now that’s the concept. Now go deeper than that, where she shares feelings that she doesn’t share with anybody else. And shares feelings that maybe she doesn’t even want to admit that she has, or bring them up, or [01:10:00] she negates, using logic and reason. So let me make this point, as human beings, we all need love.

We all need reassurance every day that we are loved. Now for me, I work, and in my work I achieve things. And people thank me, they pay me, I give a talk, people clap. What if I gave my talks and nobody clapped? I would not feel as good. You know, like when a sermon goes in a church, sometimes my talks are rather spiritual, you know, people feel very fulfilled and they don’t clap.

I said, so I had to start doing in my early years. And if you love my talk, let me know what you’re clapping. And the people that didn’t clap as this, otherwise I felt incomplete. I need to have that reaction back. And the same thing is I want to get paid and, or at least anticipate what I’m doing will create a reward that I can bring home to my family, period.

People will, Oh, you did this to get paid. Of course I do this to get paid. But you don’t pay me anything, but hopefully somebody to go out, buy my book and I’ll make 10 [01:11:00] more. Okay. Or actually I only make 1 on a book. I want to help the world, but I do need evidence that I’m helping the world. It’s feedback that’s called reassurance.

So for our male side, the feedback we need is that we did something and we got a reward. The feedback a woman needs is the reassurance that she’s loved, that he sees her, he adores her, that she’s beautiful. A man can just say it, but that’s different. If I walk into the room and this happens to me, they introduce me and everybody claps, that clapping means nothing to me.

I want them to clap when I’m done with my talk. Do you see the logic there? I mean, I’ve even gotten standing ovations when I walk in, sit down. I want it afterwards, you know, as I did something, I got it. So a woman is constantly being and giving and everything in a relationship. What is she getting back?

Well, on an emotional level, emotional reassurance is one of the most powerful estrogen stimulators, but she has [01:12:00] to be vulnerable to get to the most powerful level. And so the exercise goes like this. I recommend doing it every day. I recommend women initiating it, but the men are saying my wife doesn’t initiate it every day so he can do it as well, which is just, let’s do reassurance.

And with reassurance. She says, do you love me? He says, yes. She says, how much do you love me? He says, with all my heart, she says, do you think I’m beautiful? You are so beautiful. I love you so much. Then she says, do you feel lucky to be with me? Or do you feel lucky that we got married? I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

Will you always love me? Absolutely. I will always love you. You’re the only one for me. Are you sure I’m the only one? You are absolutely the only one. See what that does? Takes a minute. And let’s say the other few days ago there was an argument. You can say, do you forgive me for what happened? Oh honey, are you holding on to [01:13:00] that frustration you had or the anger you had?

In that moment, after doing the buildup, all is forgiven. It’s literally making love in one minute. And that is the best thing to do every day and then do it when you’re making love. Many times. It’s an amazing addition to making love. Because particularly men get quiet. Because when men are feeling so much, they can’t easily speak.

It’s like I did an Oprah show one time and this woman was complaining about her husband and we got married and he still goes out with his friends and you know, he should spend more time with me and he didn’t know this. You know, nobody tells you the rules and whatever. And do I really have to follow those rules?

And her rules were actually unrealistic. We’ll leave all the whole story out, but I just know Oprah says she’s asking. The basic thing, she was trying to be a therapist. And what do you feel? What do you feel? What do you feel? As if that’s the answer to everything. So then she looks at her husband and says, so what do you feel?

And the guy was like, it’s like he was in the [01:14:00] bathroom and he was stuck. Okay. It was literally, and you know, that’s dead time on TV. I said, now watch this Oprah, ask him the question, what do you think about what she said? Instantly, he will access his thoughts and say, well, I think it’s unfair. Nobody told me this.

And suddenly it’s all out there. Is this, how do you access where a person can communicate from most easily? And thinking is, for men, the easiest way to communicate. For women, not always, because they become more masculine, but feelings, going to the feeling side of the brain. And this is an absolute biological difference between males and females.

You know, there’s a lot of overlap when you look at the brain differences, but there’s one that there’s absolutely no overlap. That means every woman is different. Her brain is different from a man in this way. It’s called the anterior parietal lobe. There’s a name for it. And what this place is, every woman born that they’ve ever done the research on, her right anterior parietal lobe is bigger than her left.[01:15:00] 

Now, for every man born, his left is bigger than the right. And the right has to do with people, and the left has to do with things. You know, so I was counseling a guy today, and his whole thing, he’s, makes a million dollar bonus a year, you know, he, rich guy, he’s a software genius. Okay, he’s like Elon Musk, who can’t stay married.

His wife will say he’s a wonderful guy, but not marriage material. He sleeps at the factory. So there’s nothing happening there, but so that’s the left brain genius. Okay. But no access over to the right side, at least in relationship. Actually, I believe there is one difference between the left and the right hemispheres for men.

There’s something called male geniuses and the male geniuses. Have equal on each side. And I’ve actually think he has equal on each side, but he basically does not know any relationship skills, but he is a genius and his [01:16:00] creativity. So creativity is our female side. So it gets accessed in that genius way.

A lot of geniuses actually have terrible relationships because if your man and your mostly left side is bigger, then you need a woman to go to your right side. So see, I depend on my wife, Bonnie of 34 years died. Two years later, I’m basically, I found a woman and three years later, after Bonnie died, I’m married.

Okay. It’s just like, I’m not being alone. I needed my alone time to grieve. I’m done with that. I’m ready to go on an average. When women get a divorce or a death, it’s nine years before they even feel ready for a relationship on average. Most times they never get married again. They never have a partner again.

See, they don’t have the urgency of, I got to have sex, see, man got to have sex. And what’s interesting when. If you look at every age category, it goes down 1 percent every year for the average male. For me, it went up, but for average male, it goes down. And in each category, let’s say you’re a 45 year old man.

Now it’s already gone down [01:17:00] 25 percent of being your prime. You’re in your forties and half the men in their forties in America use Viagra. They can’t get it up. This is like terrible. It doesn’t have to be this way, but in the category of 45 year olds, our 35 year olds, who has the highest testosterone?

Single men. Who has the next highest? Men who are dating a woman in a committed relationship. Who has the next lowest level? Okay, married men. Who has the next lowest level? Married men with children. Who has the next lowest level? Grandparents. What do we derive from that? The thing I’m talking about over and over.

The more you love women, the more estrogen you’re gonna have. But if you don’t have a way to keep your testosterone up, then what happens is your testosterone goes down. And one of the key things that allows me to keep my testosterone up is understanding all these hacks. It’s not hard to make my wife happy.

Once you understand the little things that make the difference and all these hacks work, because you know, a man says it’s too difficult. Well, it’s only difficult. [01:18:00] It’s like learning a software. You know, recently I had to start using Adobe and nobody taught me how to use it. It’s the most frustrating thing in the world to learn a software where you don’t have instructions on how to do it.

Once you learn it so simple, you don’t think, but you’ve got to learn the software. Men have no idea of the software. And if we had good parents often. That software is out of date because when you have a woman who’s more on her male side, cause he’s working, how do you bring her back to her female side?

And also for a mother, as you’re a mother, you’re not a traditional mother in the sense of you’ve got 15 women all helping you raise your child and you work. So, you know, this is where. Having the man with these little hacks and you anticipate, Oh, you know, I’ve been doing all this, but, oh, I get to anticipate coming home.

My husband’s going to massage my feet. My husband can listen to my feelings. I didn’t do some hacks on how to ask for help and get it. That’s another whole class on that one. So I do have these online classes. They don’t just get my talks. You know, my talks are good and helpful, but [01:19:00] half the time, two hours together every week, people ask questions.

And questions is where I apply the information because I, I realize when I say these things, it’s going to be, yes, but what if he did this? Yes, but what if she does that? Yes, but what if there’s all these objections that people have thinking this isn’t going to work? And all it takes is a few sentences from me and I point out to them how they’re not understanding it correctly or how you can get around that one.

So that’s the application is what you get in an online class. I know we’re finishing up and I know you’re going to ask me, how can they reach me? So you can reach me at marsvenus. com. We have free classes there. Lots of free blogs with little courses under them, but the best thing there is something my daughter, Lauren Gray has done, which I edited to make sure she wanted to make sure every word was right.

And, but it’s a six week course for women called understanding men. It’s so wonderful. If you want to get more from a man, get the infection, the warmth, the love. And if he’s going through difficult times, how to help [01:20:00] him best. Take the course, understanding men, because if you follow your instincts, usually it has the opposite effect.

Your instincts are going to be what’s good for a child or what’s good for another woman and not necessarily what’s good for a man. So how to bring back the passion is in there. It’s an amazing class. And, and for those that don’t want to read the book, Mars, Venus in the Bedroom, I do have a very fun course on sex as well at marsvenus.

com. 

Melissa: Thank you. I will link to everything in the show notes. It sounds amazing. And you must let me know when you next come to Australia, I would love to come to one of your live events. events that would just be so amazing. 

John: I would love to come to Australia and do some live events. I just miss Australia. I used to have a great promoter there and I don’t anymore.

And I would love to come find me a good promoter and I’ll be there. 

Melissa: Yes. Okay. I really hope that that happens. I’m going to manifest that for you and put that out there. But you know, one of the biggest things that I hear with all of these hacks is they are So [01:21:00] simple and so easy to do and quick to do, we just have to get out of our own way and we just have to ask and we just do these things for each other because they make a really big difference.

So everything that you’ve shared is just such gold for so many people. So thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for sharing for all your books, all your amazing content. I’ll link to everything in the show notes and you’re always welcome on my show. Thank you for coming. 

John: Thank you so much.

We’ll do it again. I’ll do it again.

Melissa: I feel so incredibly inspired after this episode. I was thinking, okay, do I re listen to it, take notes and share it with Nick? Or. The other idea I had was I’m going to sit and listen to this with Nick in the evenings, pause it, and then discuss, pause it, and then discuss, pause it, then discuss. So that is what I am going to do and read his new book, Beyond Mars and Venus together, like we did with [01:22:00] Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

I’m going to read a chapter and then discuss it. So hopefully Nick is up for that, I’m sure he will be, but I just want to keep going deeper with my relationship with him because it only gets better and better and I truly feel that. I absolutely keep diving deeper into love with him and it’s just amazing and I truly believe that one of the reasons why that is for us is because we are both constantly working on ourselves and our relationship.

So I hope you got a lot out of this. If you did, please subscribe and follow the show and leave me a review on Apple Podcasts. And when you do, please send me a screenshot to at Melissa Ambrosini on Instagram and I’ll send you a little thank you gift. Now, before I go, I just wanted to say thank you so much for being here.

I truly am so grateful and love sharing this time and space with you. And yeah. If you know someone in your life that would really benefit from this episode, maybe it’s your partner or a friend, please share it with them right now. You can take a screenshot, share it on your social media, email it to [01:23:00] them, text it to them, do whatever you have got to do, my friend, to get this in their ears.

And until next time, don’t forget that love is sexy, healthy is liberating, and wealthy isn’t a dirty word.

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