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Are we getting confidence all wrong?

To debunk our cultural myths about confidence — and teach us proven strategies to build and strengthen this crucial skill — I’m joined by Erika Cramer, also known as The Queen of Confidence.

After an early life colored by trauma and abuse, followed by experiences that would completely derail many people (like breaking her back and the death of her husband), Erika emerged from her challenges stronger and more empowered than ever. She’s now on a mission to teach women across the globe how to take up space, turn trauma into triumph, and emerge from their struggles feeling stronger and more confident than ever.

In this massively useful and inspiring conversation, you’ll learn: the truth about confidence (and what it REALLY takes to create it), why most of what we’ve been told about building confidence is wrong, the 5 steps that will help you step into your true power, why the “fake it ‘til you make it” mindset can do more harm than good, proven methods for breaking the cycle of Imposter Syndrome, effective methods to build your self-worth, and simple techniques to nurture your relationship with yourself.

If you want to stop obsessing about what other people think of you, let go of people-pleasing once and for all, and create the ultimate confidence mindset then press play now… this one’s for you.

About Erika Cramer

From a challenging past marked by trauma, abuse, and foster care, to joining the U.S. Army as a teenager and facing life-altering adversities like breaking her back and early widowhood, Erika Cramer has journeyed through monumental struggles. Today, she is renowned as The Queen of Confidence, a global leader in the world of confidence coaching, empowering women worldwide to reclaim their lives. To date, her programs have transformed the lives of hundreds of thousands of women globally.

In this episode we chat about:

• The intense life events that led her to become The Queen of Confidence (03:41)
• A foolproof method to pull yourself out of a low confidence spiral (12:42)
• Why the “fake it till you make it” mindset is more dangerous than most people realize (19:15)
• 5 steps to build deep, lasting confidence (22:12)
• Why self compassion is critical if you want to step into your full power (27:23)
• Genius techniques to break free from Impostor Syndrome (34:15)
• The quick daily exercise that will strengthen your relationship with yourself (37:37)
• The #1 book she wishes was in every school curriculum (40:05)
• The routines and habits that set her up for success (43:02)

Episode resources:

• SheLaunch (join here)
• Mastering Your Mean Girl by Melissa Ambrosini (book)
• Open Wide by Melissa Ambrosini (book)
• Comparisonitis by Melissa Ambrosini (book)
• Time Magic by Melissa Ambrosini and Nick Broadhurst (book)
• Confidence Feels Like Shit: The Truth About Confidence and What It Really Takes to Create It by Erika Cramer (book)
• Confidence Chronicles with Erika Cramer (podcast)
• Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life by Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell (book)
• How To End Suffering, Move Past Fear, Find Inner Peace, Upgrade Your Relationships & More with Byron Katie (podcast)
• Conscious Parenting & Healing Your Inner Child With Dr Shefali (podcast)
• Confidence Feels Like Shit: The Truth About Confidence and What It Really Takes to Create It by Erika Cramer (audiobook)

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The following transcript has been automatically generated and not checked for accuracy.

Melissa: [00:00:00] In episode 599 with Erica Kramer, we are talking all about how to be more confident in both business and life. Confidence is such a key skill that is learned, and I’m so excited because this episode is gold. Welcome to the Melissa Ambrosini show. I’m your host, Melissa, best selling author of Mastering Your Mean Girl, Open Wide, Comparisonitis, and Time Magic.

And I’m here to remind you that love is sexy, healthy is liberating, and wealthy isn’t a dirty word. Each week I’ll be getting up close and personal with thought leaders from around the globe, as well as your weekly dose of motivation so that you can create epic change in your own life. And become the best version of yourself possible.

Are you ready? Beautiful.

Hey, beautiful. Welcome back to the show. I’m so [00:01:00] excited about this episode because Erica is amazing. She is such a powerhouse. I first met her in person recently at a women’s mastermind dinner. Where there was about eight of us all doing over a million dollars a year. And I sat next to her and she was just mind blowing.

She is so full of energy and just such a powerhouse. And I’m so excited for you guys to learn from her today. Now, she has had a very challenging past, marked by trauma, abuse, and foster care. And she joined the U. S. Army as a teenager and faced life altering adversities like breaking her back and early widowhood.

She has journeyed through monumental struggles as you’ll hear in today’s episode. It’s mind blowing. When I was listening, I was thinking, this needs to be made into a movie. It’s so wild what she’s been through. Today, she is renowned as the queen of confidence, and I can hand on heart say after meeting her in person that she 100 [00:02:00] percent owns and deserves that title.

Now, she is a global leader in the world of confidence coaching, empowering women worldwide to reclaim their lives. To date, her programs have transformed the lives of hundreds of thousands of women globally. She is also an international speaker, an award winning podcast host, and best selling author. And she’s doing all of this while working toward a bachelor’s degree in psychotherapy.

And she has two kids. And her life is a testament to the unyielding power of resilience and healing, proving that overcoming obstacles only serves to make us stronger. She is on a dedicated mission to support as many women as possible in healing their past, reclaiming their power, and creating the life of their dreams.

I’m so excited for you guys to hear this episode and for everything that we mentioned in today’s conversation, you can check out in the show notes and that’s over at melissaambrosini. com forward slash five nine nine. And now without further ado, let’s bring on the amazing, the queen of confidence, Erica Kramer.[00:03:00] 

Erica, welcome to the show. I am so excited to have you here, but before we dive in, can you tell us what you had for breakfast this morning? Oh girl, I’m so happy to be here. I actually fast. 

Erika: So I just had my little keto coffee. Yummy, delicious. What was in it? Tell me everything. So I have long black and I’ve got my collagen powder.

I’ve got my MTC powder and a bit of little like GI restore gut stuff because. Yeah, I’m in my forties girl, we got to sort this out. So I don’t 

Melissa: eat until like one. You look amazing for 40 just saying. I’m so pumped to have you here. I want to hear your story and how you got to being the queen of confidence.

Were you always confident as a kid? Were your parents confident? Like how did this all unfold for you? 

Erika: Yeah, so crazy. I had the worst childhood and upbringing possible. I [00:04:00] completely lacked confidence. I was raised by a single mom who struggled with bipolar. My dad left when I was like two years old, born and raised in America, Boston, Massachusetts, Beantown.

And she would physically abuse me when she would get sick. She would stop her meds and the police would come. I would be taken away to a home and my mom would go into a mental hospital. And this happened until I was 16, from 2 till 16 years old. Obviously, in the foster care system, which most countries have issues with these systems, there was sexual abuse.

I was kidnapped when I was seven by my father from this horrible accident that we had, me and my mom in Puerto Rico. And when I came back to America, just back looped around into the foster care. So I just learned as a kid, I’m not good enough. To be chosen that no one wants me that I need to perform and do what other people want in order for me to be approved of and validated.

So like most of us, you just learn that you, as you are, aren’t enough and you need to change yourself. So I was like a [00:05:00] chameleon, Melissa. I was a punk rocker. Then it was like preppy. Then I was like a headbanger. Then I was like the gangster girl, which is probably more closer to my roots. I was like everything you can imagine trying to figure out who I was.

And at 16, I joined the military. I joined the U. S. Army, and I was in the army for 10 years. I know, wild. And married my high school sweetheart, and we left Boston and moved to California to chase our dreams. He ended up going to Iraq, which was horrible. For two years, he was at war. And I decided to pause my life, I guess, and just go, what do you want to do when you’re back from war?

I felt so guilty that he had went to war and I was living my life. And so we moved to Florida, so now we’ve moved literally across like the triangle of the United States. We’re in Florida, he’s in school, I’m working full time in the army, going, I don’t want to do this, like, what the hell am I doing? I didn’t sign up for this, I don’t want to be in the military.

So I decided to go to hair school. So at night, I was going to hair school, like, in hair school in America, like, [00:06:00] you’re in all black and you look really beautiful. And during the day, 9 to 5, I’m in like military costume with my boots on. It was ridiculous. And so I went to hair school. I finished hair school.

One night we went out drinking with friends. And unfortunately, in the United States, drinking and driving is a thing. And we got into the car drunk. He was driving, my husband, and we smashed into a ditch, hit a tree, hit a van, and then hit a convenience store. And I was ejected out of the car and broke my back.

So I had a horrific, like, fusion metal in my back, metal in my leg. Like, it was just a disaster, Melissa. And I was like, Oh my god. What am I doing with my life? You know, those moments where you’ve, you’ve had them where you’re like, this is a second chance. And so I’m like, I’m going to get it together. I started modeling.

So now I’m in the military hair school and bikini modeling in Miami. Just if you wanted to know, I’m a Gemini, so I’m doing this and everything’s fine. We’re good. No more drinking and driving. The following year, my husband went to meet a friend and he had been [00:07:00] drinking. And he got into an accident and passed away.

And it was like the worst thing in the universe because I had never had anyone pass away. And my husband, for five years, we were together since high school. I’m 23 and he passed away in an accident. My husband died. Like my husband, high school sweetheart, husband who went to war, husband of 16 years, like I was 16 years old and now I’m 23.

And he passed away the following year after we broke our back. He was in a coma. I broke my back. We would never drink and drive again. And we were at home having like a Cinco de Mayo party at home. And he left. I fell asleep. I had my one weekend a month with the army. I wake up. He wasn’t home. I’m like, what’s happening?

Anyway, found out he passed away. I just must have completely went into shock and, and freaked out. And I had never experienced any of that. And I just kind of like, I’m gonna be fine. It’s fine. I can work this out. And I was not fine. Like I was not good at all. I ended up drinking and just like trying to numb out for three years.

I don’t really [00:08:00] remember what happened in those three years of my life. And I went to Las Vegas for a hair conference, and at this time I graduated hair school, I was running a salon in America, and I met this man, and he was from Australia, and I’m like, cool, where’s Australia, where’s Austria, I don’t, like I didn’t even know if it was Austria or Australia to be honest, I was just like, I’m out, like I’m gonna delete my past, and I’m gonna move far away with this man and just sold my whole life and came to Australia.

I was living in Miami, and I moved to Mount Druitt. I don’t know if you know where Mount Druitt is. I do. It is not Miami. Sounds like a bad TV show from Miami to Mount Druitt. And I lived in Australia for like a year and a half with this guy who was a total narcissist. Horrible man, but I didn’t believe in myself.

So I attracted people who treated me the way that I already felt about myself. Like I was broken and damaged and messed up and not good enough and shameful and all of that. And that got me here. And then I moved to Melbourne for someone else who was not a nice guy. And then I met my personal trainer, Hamish, who’s my husband.

And he was like, shamanic, breathwork, healing, clavoin, [00:09:00] coaching. And I’m like, what are you talking about? And he’s like, introduced me gently into the work. And eight years later, Melissa, I like fell in love, completely healed. I spent eight years on myself cause I had so much to work through with sexual abuse and foster care and my mom, and then like losing my husband and alcohol issues and all of that.

So Hamish was my savior genuinely, and it was beautiful to me. And after eight years, I decided I want to do this. Like, I really want to do this work. And I kept doing external, like I was a hairdresser. And when I came to Melbourne, I was styling, I was helping women with their clothing while I worked. full time for L’Oreal.

And then finally, in that final year, I was like, actually, it doesn’t matter what your hair looks like, what your clothing looks like. Your confidence has to come from inside. And many of us need to cull the thoughts, not just your outfits and your clothing, but like culling the, the beliefs that don’t serve you and don’t fit you anymore.

And so I got into life coaching in 2017 when I had my second son at home. It’s like a vaginal birth after cesarean, which was [00:10:00] so empowering. It’s like, I’m doing this. And I’m like, I’m not going back to L’Oreal. I’m not going back to corporate. My husband was like, are you crazy? We have no money. I’m like, we’re going to do this.

And then I launched the queen of confidence. I didn’t want to call it that. Cause I was like, I’m not the queen. Like I’m not her. And Hamish was like, my husband, people are looking for a leader. Like you need to stand in the spotlight. Be her. Everyone is her. She’s really my alter shego. So she’s who I, she’s like Sasha Fierce, Melissa.

She’s like the queen of confidence, like put the hat on and the nails and try to be her, you know? So every day I try to be her. There are days where I’m not, but that’s where it kind of came from. I know that was a big story. Sorry. 

Melissa: Whoa. Let me take a breath. Let me just digest everything that you just shared.

Holy smokes, babe. Okay. Firstly, Thank you for sharing all of that. It’s not easy to share all of that stuff. So thank you for sharing that. Secondly, you need to have a movie about your life. Like Hollywood needs to pick this story up because it’s so, like, I was hanging onto every word. I’m like, and then [00:11:00] what?

And then what? I just can’t believe it. I just want to acknowledge you. Like what you have been through is huge. Not just one thing, not two things, multiple things. And you’ve come out the other side, stronger, better. confident, the best version of yourself with a beautiful partner, two gorgeous boys. I just want to acknowledge you for that.

It’s not nothing, you know? 

Erika: Yeah, no, thank you. Thank you deeply. Same with you and your story. You know, you go, Oh wow, I went through all this. And then you, you keep moving and you keep moving and God, there’s so many. It’s a problem as well, because when you get on stage and people want to hear your story, it’s like, which one, which version?

And it’s not just, you know, it’s like, there’s a lot. And so I also don’t want to overwhelm this 

Melissa: audience. Where 

Erika: do I start? Yeah, I was like, I have a little video that I play that just like, like, you know, the Goldcast, those old school Goldcast shows that like, Tony Robbins quick story. I was like, can we just do something like that?

Because I don’t want to explain this whole thing because it’s huge. And I’m super grateful for it now, even though it was Horrific. I would never want [00:12:00] my children to go through not even 1 percent of that, but it makes us who we are at the same time. You know, it’s like, does this get to make us or break us?

And I think that when we choose for it to make us, we can transform all the crap into diamonds and gold, you know? Definitely have done. 

Melissa: I’ve met you in person and you exude confidence, babe. You do. It spills out of every pore. And I love that about you so much. Like I truly love that about you. And I know, like you said, you don’t always feel confident every single moment of every single day.

But I love that. You are out there teaching women how to step into their confidence in all the areas of your life. Now, for me, I want to talk about my confidence journey. Like it’s not something that I’ve struggled a lot with. Now there have been times in my life where I’ve felt more confident and then less confident.

I want to talk about the time in my life where I felt The lowest [00:13:00] confidence in my entire life. And that was three years ago after giving birth to my daughter, first baby. I was like, who am I? I doubted myself every single decision I made. And I look back on those first, like six months of motherhood. And I just want to hug that version of myself and say, babe, it’s all good.

You got this. Trust yourself, trust yourself. And it’s so interesting how I felt this in motherhood, but how it drip fed out into other areas of my life as well. So it was kind of really prominent in motherhood, but then that lack of confidence was drip feeding into my business and into my relationships and it rippled out.

And I know a lot of first time mothers really feel this lack of confidence, or maybe someone listening is feeling in their business or in their relationships. But what are the exact strategies to pull ourselves out when we notice that we are in that low confidence spiral [00:14:00] like I was three years ago? 

Erika: I have to just acknowledge you for that because it is so the case and that’s the questions I have for you all the motherhood journey because it’s brand new.

What an initiation by fire. You have a little human. You don’t know what’s going on. Your body’s recovering. There’s so much happening. When I thought about when I became a second time mom, I had so much anxiety. And I’ve never had anxiety. Like, as in, I wouldn’t say I’m an anxious person. I feel like we all have moments.

But to say, in that second birth, similarly to you, I had the anxiety situation. And you hit the nail on the head, before we even say the quick things that you could do, we have to acknowledge what is confidence. And for over a decade, Melissa, I like deep dived into this one topic. I was like, I really want to master and understand confidence, especially for women.

What is this about? What are these confident people do? And in my research, I found a definition. And it was a definition that I really had to search for and it [00:15:00] probably was five years in that I found this definition. I didn’t even make it into my book. So we need to re rejig and add that definition. I kept thinking that confidence was something magical that when you have it, all your problems go away.

The when I then I fallacy, right? Like, oh, all you need is more confidence. And it’s like, oh, yeah. Okay. Why don’t I have any? It’s like, where do I buy some, right? And I found this definition, it’s a root word in Latin, the word confidence, is confidencia, and it basically means to trust yourself. Literally, the definition of confidence is to have trust in yourself.

You said it. I don’t like confidence because I trust myself. That’s the key. So confidence is not red lipstick. Confidence is not weight. Confidence is not a Maserati. Confidence is not introverted, extroverted, loud, quiet, shy. Confidence is your ability to trust yourself. So if tomorrow, if right now you’re like, how do I build confidence?

Where are you breaking your trust, my friend? You know, when you say I’m getting [00:16:00] up at 7 a. m. and you push snooze, it’s such a small thing right then and there. You broke your trust because you said you were going to do it and you didn’t. When you say, yeah, I’ll watch your kid’s sister, even though you don’t want to watch your sister’s kids.

And you say yes, but you meant no, you break your trust. And I love practicality because when I’m feeling crappy, which happens to me, and I know it happens to you, I’m like, tomorrow morning I’m getting up and I’m going to commit that alarm time. Me and that alarm time are going to make a commitment and it’s so silly, but me getting up at the time I said it helps me.

I’m like, okay, I’m off to a great start. But if I feel crappy, if you feel like crap already, and then you snooze your button and then you say yes, but you didn’t want to say no, and then you rejig your word. You’re going to have a really difficult time because we’re already slumped. If you’re listening now, find little things, and if they’re easy, even better.

Even better. I’m going to stand up. Stand up. You know what I mean? Like these are the little steps I think for the building of confidence. Also I think it’s great to do like a confidence stock take [00:17:00] inventory. There are places in your life that you feel really good. What are those places? Do you feel confident with your partner?

Do you feel confident with your body? Do you feel confident at work? Driving, find the small little wins and then think about the places that need your attention. So I would envision it like you’re brushing your hair and you find a knot and you’re like, Oh, it’s like, okay, what’s that? Where is that? So check in with yourself.

Where am I lacking confidence? What would be most beneficial for me to focus on right now? You know what? It’s my body. I know for me in motherhood, it was my body. Like what a change. I don’t care if you’re a thinner person, you still have, you know, a complete change. And so it’s like, okay, what can I do to support my body in this moment to feel more confident if it’s a relationship, whatever it is that comes up when you brush and you find that little area, that little knot, many of us pretend that we have no knots and I’m like, we’ve got some dreadlocks back there.

We need to brush and attend to that and have a look at it. And then we can make a plan as to how to move forward. [00:18:00] 

Melissa: Love it, babe. I love it. Confidence comes from within. And I really want that to sink in. It is not the haircut. It’s not the fancy clothes. It’s not the lipstick. It comes from within. And when I think back to myself three years ago, I didn’t trust myself because it was new.

Motherhood was brand new to me. And I was like, Is this right? And I wanted to do the best job because that’s my personality. I wanted to be the best mother that I could be. I wanted to do and give everything to this. And so I was looking left and right at everyone else and thinking, is this right? And doubting myself when I had this realization and it was really from my husband.

He said to me, You have to back yourself, babe. He’s like, parenting is about trusting yourself and backing yourself. And that sunk in really deep for me. And then from that moment, I stopped asking my friends, what would you do with this? And stopped looking and reading books and asking for all these opinions and advice and seach and searching [00:19:00] outside of myself.

And I started to go within. And I’m talking about my motherhood journey here, but this can relate to your business journey. This can relate to your relationships, to every area of your life. I love this so much. So that whole concept of fake it till you make it. I want to know your thoughts on that. Do you believe in fake it till you make it?

Erika: I hate that so much. Here’s why. I’m a words person. Fake it. So you are fake. You’re not real. Till you make it. Where are we going? Like where are we going? There’s no destination when it comes to this. And I think it’s really dangerous and, and that we say this to ourselves because our words matter. I think about that quote, Lisa Hayes, and she’s like, be careful how you speak about yourself because you are listening.

And it’s like, Oh my God, I am listening to what I say about myself and I hear it and I take it in. So fake? No. So I have another one that I say, and it’s a bad word, but [00:20:00] it’s like F fake it, like fuck fake it, just make it. And it’s like. Just make it up because no offense, everybody’s making it up. I actually don’t know what I’m doing.

I am rolling with the punches of life and I am creating as I go. I am a work in progress, just like everyone else. No, one’s got the secret elixir when it comes to parenting. If someone says they know what they’re doing run, because even Dr. Shefali, who is gorgeous and talks about this is so challenged by her daughter, who is the opposite to her.

So we don’t have the answers. We don’t know what the heck we’re doing. Social media has made such a great. Connection. Like I’ve made, I met you through social media. I made friends, like it’s an incredible platform when it’s used correctly, but I believe many of us didn’t get taught how to use it. We didn’t know what this was going to be.

And so we use it instead to look to the sidelines and compare ourselves. And we think that everyone’s made it. And that they’re doing it right. And the reality is they also don’t know what they’re doing. We just see like a smidgen. So I feel like [00:21:00] finding words that make you feel good, even when it comes to your thinking, like my nine year old is getting anxiety right now.

And I’m like, what? Like for school, Melissa, for school, he’s getting anxiety. And I’ve just been like, okay, I have all the tools inside of me. I know all about inquiry. I know all about thoughts. I know all about journaling. And so with him, and this is for everyone, like if a nine year old can do this, I know Let’s reframe our thinking.

So if you say to yourself, like, I lack confidence, I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m doing it wrong. I feel so confused about this. I must not be good enough, whatever the language is that you’re using. Just find a thought that feels a little bit better. I am learning how to be confident. One day I will be confident.

I’m on my way to stepping into confidence. All of that is true and it feels better than I’m not confident. So I’m not saying bullshit yourself with affirmations like I’m confident, I’m happy. Like I absolutely cannot stand affirmations because we don’t believe them. And if you don’t believe it, you don’t feel it.

It’s not real. So finding something that feels a little bit better than the original crappy sentence or [00:22:00] belief you’re telling yourself. In order to get you out of the hole that we can get into when we’re in this confidence crisis. And I find that super practical and really helpful to just get you out.

Melissa: Yeah, I love that. Talk to me about business and confidence, because obviously we need it a lot in business, especially when we are facing road bumps and things like that. So what are your strategies for boosting your confidence when it comes to your business? 

Erika: In 

Melissa: the book, 

Erika: confidence feels like shit.

There’s the five C’s and I want to give that to the audience that’s listening. It’s a download. It’s a PDF. There are five steps and I literally use these steps every single day. I’ve taught my kids these steps and it’s the five C’s. So we call confidence a practice. So just like meditation, which I’m sure you meditate, many of the listeners that are here, maybe try to meditate or do breath work or yoga, any kind of practice.

It’s not a getting to, right? Like I try to meditate and I will never arrive at meditated. I’m never gonna be meditated. I am meditating. You’re [00:23:00] never gonna arrive at confident. I am not a confident woman. I’m a woman who’s practicing confidence right now as we speak. If my internet goes off or I get a booger on my face, or I don’t know, my kid walks in, I’m gonna lose my confidence, right?

And I have to get back into the practice. So it’s five steps. It’s step one is choice. So when we look at this, confident people are making choices. They are making decisions, whether you’re in business, whether it’s parenting, whatever it is, if you don’t make decisions, if you don’t make the choice, what happens is we get into overwhelm.

We start procrastinating. We start thinking about all the things we could do. That’s inaction. So number one, confident people are making choices, so you have to make those decisions. Number two, courage. Confidence takes courage. Courage means you’re scared as hell. That’s what courage means. Courage is not this like lioness that’s.

You know, goddess that believes in herself. No, courage is I’m so scared. Am I doing this right? I don’t know what I’m doing. My legs are shaking and I’m sweating. Yeah, welcome. [00:24:00] That’s what it’s about. That’s why confidence feels like shit. Number three is create. And that’s all about what small action can you take towards that choice towards that big decision that you know you need to make.

I find that if we don’t do this, nothing will happen. There’s an action portion to confidence. And I remember someone saying to me, like, does confidence come and then you take action or does it come after action? And I’m like, no, confidence is created. You’re the creator. So step three is create. What do you need to do?

Small step in order to build your confidence. Step four is consider, and that’s all about evaluating. And I think, Melissa, this is something that we could do better as a society. We take an action. How was it? Was it crappy? Amazing. What did you learn? Was it amazing? Celebrate yourself. Learn from what you did.

And instead, we fall down. We call it a failure. And I’m saying like air quotes because I really don’t feel like we can fail. Because when you fail, you are a failure. I don’t want to go again. You know what I mean? Number four is consider how was that? Was it good? Was it shit? Okay, let’s reevaluate. [00:25:00] And then number five is continue, which is get back up, make another choice, step into your courage, create an action, consider the plan.

How did it go? Go again. And so the practice of confidence, really step two, which is courage and step five, which is continue, are really just like the wind beneath your wings that keep you moving. Confident people are making choices. They’re stepping into their courage. They’re taking action. They’re evaluating their action and they’re going again.

And they do it so quickly that you don’t even notice. I fall all the time and I bounce off the ground and I’m back up because we’re going to fall. And so I feel like in business, it’s something that we must have. We have to look at the choices that we’re making, the decisions that we’re making. We have to step into courage.

We have to courageously be who we are. One of the things that I learned in Australia when I first came here was that I was a Puerto Rican woman. There’s no Puerto Ricans. I’ve met four. I’ve been here for 14 years. I’m from the hood. I’m loud. I wear crazy nails and big hoop earrings, and I wasn’t like everyone else.

And I thought that something was wrong with me. So in [00:26:00] business and in life, I tried to blend in and wear cardigans and have really long hair extensions. And not wear any lipstick or not wear any nails. And it wasn’t until I realized that the thing that I thought was shameful about me, the thing that I thought was too much was actually the thing that was going to make me stand out.

And in business, many of us blend in for fear of what people will think. And then you just sound like vanilla copy and paste boring as hell, you know, swipe copy, you’re everyone else. And what’s going to make you stand out? And today’s that you must stand out in whichever way you don’t have to be loud and pink and like me and Melissa, you can be you, but you have to be willing to stand out for something.

And so I feel like in business, the practice of confidence is even more important because you’ll think you’re not good at business, which isn’t true. You’re just playing small, you know? 

Melissa: 100%. And I love that you said it’s a practice because I think so many people, they think, okay, I’m confident now and that’s it.

Or it’s not something that you have to work at. It’s kind of like mastering your [00:27:00] money mindset. Like people go, okay, I did this course. I now know my money mindset and I don’t have to work on it for the rest of my life. It’s like, you’re a work in progress. And like the more you practice and the more that you do the internal work.

The stronger that muscle gets and like you said, when you fall, you bounce back really quickly because you’ve flexed that muscle so much. So I love that you said that. I’m surprised one of the C’s wasn’t compassion. You often speak about healing and self compassion. So how does self compassion play a role in building confidence and what are some practical ways that we can cultivate that daily?

Erika: So self compassion. Oh gosh. I think that it’s so funny. A lot of women talk about inner child healing and I literally want to replace that with self compassion because it’s so easy and I think that it’s one of the biggest things that we struggle with is being kind to ourselves. If you said to me, I struggled in motherhood, I felt like this, I’d be like, Oh, baby, you’re doing the best you can.

[00:28:00] And we know we have these little quotes on Instagram, like be kind, treat yourself like your own best friend. It’s cute, but we don’t do it. And so it’s like how do we actually step into self-compassion? I find for me the most practical thing is journaling, and I don’t journal like Dear Diary, I don’t journal like that.

I journal like a scrap piece of paper, like a Kmart receipt at the red light. Like I feel overwhelmed and I pull over and I’m like, oh my God, rr. And I just get everything from my head. Out on paper. And I know this sounds gross, but it’s like pooing. It’s like you poo out of your head onto paper. Oh, I feel so much better.

I feel so much lighter. There’s so much crap going on in my mind. And if I don’t stop it, slow it down, have a look at it, then I can’t actually work on it. And so one of the number one ways that I would say, if you want to work on being more compassionate to yourself is understand your thoughts, understand the top three thoughts that mess with you the most.

What are they? Many of us don’t know this and it’s like, I know my mind. I know which one [00:29:00] has been swirling around for 10 years. I know which one I got from my mom. I know which one I just picked up because of the new friend circle I’m in. I know when these things start to happen and I’m like, okay, what do I need to do?

So number one, evaluate yourself, self inquiry. If you can journal, if you can get down your thoughts. Number two, a book that has supported me so much to understand and really enlighten myself with information about myself. Is Byron Cady’s Loving What Is? I can’t tell you. It’s so basic. And you know, some of the most basic things that we don’t do work.

It doesn’t have to be this big old strategy that’s going to take you four hours a day ritual. We don’t have time for that. Literally the self inquiry in Byron Cady’s book is four questions. Is it true? I’m teaching this to my nine year old. Is it true that you didn’t do the project correctly? Is it true that everyone’s doing it better than you?

Is it true? And then stopping and checking in for 40 seconds, 50 seconds, nothing. Meditation. And see [00:30:00] what comes up as opposed to it’s a true, no, yes, next question, which is what we do. We’re rushing through these things. And so I think the best way to have compassion with yourself is number one, understand what’s going on with yourself.

What are you thinking about? What are you feeling? What’s your day to day bringing you? And secondary is questioning. Asking more questions of your mind, asking more questions of your situation. I imagine myself going to the gurus, meeting with Tony Robbins, meeting with whoever, and what would they say?

Cause they live inside of you. The version of these people you love, there’s a Melissa Ambrosini for all the listeners, lives inside your head. You listen to her podcast so much, you almost know what she would say. So you get quiet and you’re like, okay, what do I need to know about this? And it comes up for you.

So self compassion is you spending time with yourself. It’s you understanding yourself. It’s you journaling. And don’t tell me we don’t have time. Look, all of us are putting our kids to bed every night for 45 minutes, I’m sure. And still getting on with the amazing life that we have to bring. So that’s something very, [00:31:00] to me, practical.

Secondary thing that I would say, Melissa, is. I don’t care who you are, how much work you’ve done. You need to keep working. So I have a therapy. I go see a shamanic practitioner. I will always have a coach or mentor. There’s no way that I would be supporting this many people and adding so much value to others lives and not getting my own cup.

So continuous work on yourself, having a mentor, having someone that will challenge you, that will question you, whether it’s a therapist or a psychotherapist, I highly recommend psychotherapy. Amazing. You know, a healer, someone that’s going to support you to check in with yourself, because there is a lot of work we need to do on ourselves, especially you, if you’re listening and you go, Oh, I don’t have a crazy life.

Nothing bad has happened to me. That’s bullshit. Every single one of us goes through difficulty. It could be bullying when you were a kid. It could be your parents broke up when you were seven. It could be someone called you fat on the playground when you were 12. It doesn’t have to be my crazy story because.

Don’t compare. We all went through COVID. So that’s enough trauma to mess us up. [00:32:00] So work on it. 

Melissa: A hundred percent. Forever and ever. Forever and ever. So I’m so glad you mentioned that because I talk about this all the time and I’m such a big believer in having a coach, a mentor, therapist, spiritual. I have all of them.

I have a whole toolkit of people that I can pull on. I’ve got someone I can turn to when I need relationship advice. I’ve got someone I can turn to when I’m going through a parenting moment. I’ve got someone I can turn to for health, for business, for anything. I’ve got this toolkit of people that I can pull on when I need support.

And this is the thing. It’s like, it is ongoing that we need support. And so many people have so much shame around asking for help and support. And you need to just delete that from your mind right now because it is absolute BS. Inside SheLaunch, which is my core program, there’s so much business strategy.

All the business tools and strategies will help you get to six figures, seven figures, will help you get there. But there is such a [00:33:00] huge focus on mindset and community because it’s so important. And so once people finish SheLaunch, they stay on because they’re obsessed with the mindset support and coaching and the community.

And so it’s ongoing. So I love that you said that. And I also want to highlight and underscore something else you said. And that was like, you don’t have a quote unquote, perfect journaling routine. You write it on the back of a scrap piece of paper. And this is a thing I think a lot of people feel like, okay, well, I can’t meditate because someone next door is mowing the lawn and it’s too noisy.

Or I can’t go for my walk because I’ve only now got 15 minutes when I thought I had half an hour, but my child needed me. Like, we’re always waiting for this perfect condition and perfect environment. And especially, I think, when you’re a parent, you just got to get it done. I meditate on the floor in the evening.

I lay down next to my daughter while she goes to sleep. And so once she’s asleep and I can hear her breathing deepen, I [00:34:00] sit up on the floor in her bedroom and meditate. I’m not on a beautiful meditation pillow in like the most serene environment. Like I just do the work. And so I really wanted to highlight that because I think it is so important.

So I’m so glad that you mentioned that. And I want to shift and talk about imposter syndrome, because this is another thing so many people struggle with, especially women. They struggle with imposter syndrome, doubting their abilities, despite their achievements. What advice would you give to someone dealing with imposter syndrome to help them step into their true confidence?

Erika: I hate syndromes, right? Even my clients that have ADHD or neurodivergent or whatever, I always invite them and it’s probably controversial, but I’m like, how is that for you? Does that serve you? How does that feel when you say that? And then just like, Oh, yeah. And it’s not like, I’m not trying to be a jerk, but really, let’s be mindful of the labels and the syndromes and the, I have this and chronic that, and it’s like, if it helps some people, it helps them to go, okay, [00:35:00] I’m not crazy now.

I understand my thing. Let’s go. Some people it’s a crutch and it doesn’t help you. So know thyself. How does that label make you feel when you say that? How is it for you? Number one, number two, imposter syndrome as a therapist, I will tell you, I’m getting my bachelor’s degree in psychotherapy as we speak, because we’re not busy enough, Melissa.

So I asked my lecturer, I was like, what’s the deal with imposter syndrome? It’s not a syndrome. Imposter phenomena is not a syndrome. It is a mindset. Literally. It’s not a disease. It’s not a virus. It’s not something you’re stuck with. It’s not in your DNA. It is a mindset. And so what I would like for you to think about if you struggle with imposter syndrome is think about a child.

Even if you don’t have children, when a child is learning how to walk and a child is trying to walk and falls down and gets up and falls down again. What, what is actually happening for that child? Are they an imposter? You’re like, you’re an imposter. You don’t know how to walk. We don’t say that. We go, that child is learning.

That’s what they’re doing. They’re [00:36:00] learning how to walk. We don’t call the child an imposter. So think about yourself. You are learning how to level up. You are learning how to do this thing that you’re scared to do. You are learning how to speak on camera. You are learning how to speak on stage, whatever the thing is that you feel like an imposter about.

You’re in a learning phase. And so what do we do when we learn? We look at how we did it. We evaluate. If we fell down, we get back up and we do better. I learned that the guy I came to Australia for was not a nice guy. Right. And then I learned the guy I came to Melbourne for was not a nice guy. I learned a lot, right?

It wasn’t a failed relationship. I learned so I could attract a better person next time. This is what’s happening with imposter syndrome, but because we call it imposter syndrome. Oh, I just, I don’t think I’m good enough. Oh, imposter syndrome. They’re real cop outs that frustrate me because we can do better, ladies.

Like, we need to do better. What are you saying? You’re saying that you don’t understand how to do this. You’re saying that you’re scared. You’re saying that you’ve never done this before and you feel like you don’t know how to do it. Yeah, because you’ve never done it before. So you’re learning. Let [00:37:00] yourself be a student.

That’s what I think about imposter syndrome. 

Melissa: Love it. And we are students for life in all areas of our life. My husband’s a musician and I think about musicians a lot because, you know, he’s always talking about music and there’s music always playing in our house. And I think about even like the best pianists in the world.

And like my husband is an incredible saxophonist. Amazing. Even though he is way better than so many people, is he the best? And will he stop learning? No, never. He will always be learning and growing as a musician. And that’s life. Even with confidence, we’re growing. We’re learning new skills in all these different areas of our life.

So. We’re not being imposters. We’re just learning like children. And I love that analogy because when I think of like children, like my daughter, how she’s learning new things, like even learning how to speak and learning how to walk, I have so much softness and I have so much love and compassion when I think about a child learning, yet the way we speak to ourselves is just so harsh and like, [00:38:00] berating and it’s not okay.

Like we need to just be kind to ourselves. Remember that we’re just learning and be soft and kind and really back ourselves. 

Erika: Yeah. But you know what, you just said something and it’s so perfect because in order for you to hear what you’re saying, in order for you to notice the way that you treat yourself, that is unkind or is harsh, or maybe is the way that your parents spoke to you as a child.

And that subconsciously is the way you speak to yourself now, right? Maybe that’s come up. How do you even know that’s happening? There has to be a level of slowing yourself down of meeting yourself and that whether it is meditation, whether it is In the morning, you sit with a journal, whether it is while you’re sitting on the toilet, hiding from your children, whatever, and you just go, how am I today?

My naturopath would say to me, Melissa, in the morning, before you get out of bed, do a body scan. And my children are nine and six and they are in my bed and I love it so much. They’ve been in my bed since they were babies. I do not [00:39:00] want to let them go. My husband’s like, the nine year old has to go. I’m like, no.

It’s winter, let’s curl up. So they’re in my bed, my little one’s up at 6am, and I’m just laying there and I’m doing a scan. How’s my mind? How’s my head? How’s my throat? How’s my heart? Like a quick scan. It doesn’t take long. And I just check in. Oh, my tummy doesn’t feel good. Oh, I think I’m going to bleed.

Oh, my legs are really sore. Oh, whatever. Okay, cool. Just before I even get up, check my phone, do whatever. I just like, hi body, hi self. How are you? You know, like, how are you feeling? Are you okay? Are you good? And these are the things that I think if we have that time with ourselves to check in, we’ll be so beneficial because we’ll get to know ourselves.

We’ll get to know how we are. We’ll get to know how we feel. We’ll get to know what’s happening for us. If we don’t have that, we’re living externally out of ourselves. And we’re not checking in. So then we have no idea what we’re feeling, how we’re feeling, what’s triggered us, what’s [00:40:00] upset us, because we don’t even know ourselves.

And it’s so important. That’s like number one. 

Melissa: Okay. Now I want to pretend you have a magic wand and you could put one book in the school curriculum of every high school around the world. Now, besides your book, which absolutely should be in the curriculum. What is one other book you would choose? And it can be on any topic.

Erika: I feel like I just said that book. And I really, when I’m telling you that I’m obsessed with this four question book, I think it would just be Byron Katie’s book. And the reason is because I’m from the ghetto. Like I didn’t do well in school. I was poor. We grew up on food stamps. I grew up in foster care.

So I was very like, yo, yo, ABC 123, like, don’t try to do math, don’t get too sophisticated on me. And I would really feel like I didn’t understand a lot of things. And so when I found Byron Katie’s work, and she’s like the first module in my program, I’m like, we’re going to talk about Byron Katie. And then I give them Eckhart Tolle, and then I give them Joe Dispenza, like books that I would have [00:41:00] never, ever had access to.

And her book is so simple. Like Eckhart Tolle can be a lot, as you know, like he can be real like, Whoa, what did you just say? But she breaks down and they’re known to say that Byron Katie’s work is how to do Eckhart Tolle, like the how, and so I love her. I think it’s very feasible, accessible for questions.

We can all ask ourselves four questions. You can enlighten yourself with four questions and I’m teaching my children this. So it’s definitely a book that I feel like should be everywhere. 

Melissa: Beautiful. Yes. I love her work. She’s been on the podcast. So is Dr. Shafali, who you mentioned before. They’re both incredible, but I love Byron Katie’s work and her books and I will link to the episode that I did with her, but I highly recommend everyone listening dive into her work.

It is a game changer. Okay. I’ve got three rapid fire questions for you now. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. What is one thing that we can do [00:42:00] today for our health? 

Erika: Don’t snooze and move your body in whichever way in the morning, preferably. 

Melissa: Love it. What’s one thing that we can do for more wealth in our life? 

Erika: Make a list of where you already have lots of abundance and don’t think financial.

Make a list, feel everything on that list, and I feel like you will start attracting more money. 

Melissa: Absolutely. And what’s one thing we can do for more love in our life? 

Erika: I love this question because I ask myself, what would love do? Especially when my kids piss me off, when my husband pisses me off, when a person cuts me off.

And it’s so corny, but I promise you, what would love do? And you just be the Gandhi, be the change. So literally be the change you want to see. If you want kindness, be kind, even when people are jerks to you, especially when people are jerks to you. 

Melissa: Yeah, that’s the work. That is the work. That’s putting into practice everything that you’re doing.

That’s [00:43:00] the work. So I love that so much. Now, I would love to hear a day in your life. Talk us through, from the moment you wake up, all your little rituals, routines, when do you work? I want to know everything. 

Erika: So we get up, I get up at like 6 o’clock, 6. 15, and I go to the gym first. So I have to lift heavy weights, like I’m talking 100 kilo deadlifts.

Even with my broken back, my husband was a rehab trainer, so he’s helped me. And I have these nails, but it’s the best feeling. Melissa, like I just feel so strong. So I lift heavy weights in the morning and it’s the best thing in the world. Then I get home and I tap my husband, then he goes because I have to do lunches for the kids, we both do that in the morning and then we all get ready.

We take kids to school. We drop them off. We head to the office, like where we are here, what we’re And usually it’s either like a team meeting, a podcast, a private client, or I’m recording content. And then in between then it’s organizing like the calendar, which the calendar is [00:44:00] hectic. And actually my husband helps me with that now because no one could help me.

When your partner knows you, it’s like, listen, let me help you with this. So there’s a lot of speaking and things that he’ll help me organize. And then we have a beautiful lunch, which we never used to do, but we stop for lunch and we’re like, goodbye, let’s get out of the office. And we go off and do something, come back, clean things up around two o’clock, we finish, and then we just chill.

And then we pick up the boys, go home, they have like half an hour to chill and watch something. And then we have a beautiful dinner and everybody’s in bed and we just stay up probably till 10, 1030. And literally that’s my life. If it’s a normal daily schedule, I don’t meditate. I don’t do breath work unless I’m flying.

Cause I really don’t like flying after COVID. I don’t know why actually I’m in therapy for this right now. I do that before I do like a grounding ceremony before I’m on the plane. I bless the whole plane and I put like roots in the plane and on the ground and it’s like my little thing and it helps me with flying.

But day to day, it’s literally just my morning check in scan, my working [00:45:00] out. And I have the most energy and I’m happy and I take a lot of supplements and fast. 

Melissa: Beautiful. I love that. Thank you so much for sharing that. You definitely do have a lot of energy. I love hearing about how people move through their day.

So thank you for sharing. And thank you for sharing everything that you have shared with us today. This has been so amazing. I’ve absolutely loved it. You are helping, serving, supporting so many people with your work. I want to know how I and the listeners can give back and support. 

Erika: Oh, I love you. Thank you, Melissa.

Thank you so much for doing this and for having me. I think I would love to share the book in the podcast. Like I think that those are resources. I’ve got an audio book confidence feels like shit or the podcast confidence Chronicles, and I think just more of the women hearing these messages. I feel like I want to be your big sister on Bluetooth, you know, just backing you to believe in yourself.

And I think the more of us that hear these messages. The more we start to care about ourselves, love ourselves, the more we’re going to do this to other women. Start to practice confidence and know that it’s not a final [00:46:00] destination. There’s no place to get to. You will never arrive. It’s a constant day to day practice that we can get into.

So 

Melissa: that’s it. Thank you for being here. This has been such a delight. I’ve loved it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Thank you.

I hope by just listening to this episode, you feel more confident in who you are. And if there’s some work for you to do there, then dive deep into it. And if you loved this conversation and if you got a lot out of it, please subscribe and follow the show and leave me a review. I would be so grateful if you haven’t already done this, please do this.

It really helps me continue to get amazing guests on the show and send me a screenshot on Instagram of your review and I’ll send you a little thank you present. And come and tell me on Instagram at Melissa Ambrosini what you got from this episode. I love connecting with you and I love hearing your biggest key takeaways.

So come and share them with me. And I just love chatting with you guys in the DMs. [00:47:00] So come on over there and let’s have a conversation. And before I go, I just wanted to say thank you so much for being here, for wanting to be the best, the healthiest and the happiest version of yourself, and for showing up today for you.

You rock. Now, if there’s someone in your life that you can think of that would really benefit from this episode, please be an angel and share it with them right now. You can take a screenshot, share it on your social media, email it to them, text it to them, do whatever you’ve got to do to get this in their ears.

And until next time, don’t forget that love is sexy, healthy is liberating, and wealthy isn’t a dirty word.

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