I remind myself of these following potent words every day:
You want to improve your life? Let go of your expectations. You see, it’s easy for expectations to run rife in our relationships, keeping us stuck, unhappy, and separated from our truth. But a little bit of awareness — and an intention to change — can make all the difference.
The trouble starts because we use labels to define the people in our lives, like ‘friend’, ‘boss’, ‘mother’, ‘father’, ‘husband’, ‘sister’, ‘daughter’, ‘aunt’… We then unconsciously (or consciously) attach a list of criteria to that label of what we expect of that person (labels and expectations go hand in hand).
Which then results in a whole lot of angst and drama…
You’re my sister so you should do this for me.
You’re my boss so you should treat me a certain way.
You’re my mother so you should put up with me speaking to you like s#@t.
You’re my friend so you should act how I believe a friend should act.
You’re my husband so you should put up with my crap, take out the rubbish, earn X amount and ravish me, all at the same time.
Fact is, if it was anyone else or if you removed the label, you probably wouldn’t treat them the same way. But because you’ve pegged them in a box and attached a label, it seems to make it ‘okay’.
But let me tell you, sweet pea… it’s not!
Let’s just imagine for a moment that there were no labels and we were all one. All equal, all magical creations, and all drops of the same beautiful ocean. How would you treat those people then?
I’m betting you’d treat them like precious specks of gold. You would honour them. Cherish them. Love them. Hold them close. Because you could see the magnificence of that which they truly are.
But my darling, this scenario isn’t some farfetched fantasy — this is our reality. This is how we can choose to look at things every single day. It’s a choice (like everything) and best of all, it’s your choice.
You would treat them like Mother Teresa, in fact why don’t you treat everyone that comes into your life like that? Maybe we could all give it a go!
But it’s not just the expectations we place on others that are hurting us. There are also the ones you place on yourself…
You should have that high paying job.
You should have a tighter ass, clearer skin, and a six-pack like Miranda Kerr.
You should have your dream home in your favourite suburb by now, and not still be living in a share house.
You should be earning X amount and not living off your parents.
You should have married your soul mate by now. (Come on girlfriend, the clock is ticking!)
You should have 3 well-behaved angel like children.
Sound familiar?
Expectations are your Mean Girl’s way of keeping you stuck in Fear Town. Which is Not. Your. Truth. Love is!
Remember that. Expectations will tear down your relationships and hold you hostage to your Mean Girl, but the truth will set you free.
Letting go of expectations is an art and — like everything else — needs to be practiced daily. Notice when you go to place expectations on yourself or others. Catch yourself and choose differently.
Nothing ruins relationships faster than expectations.
To really cement this process in your mind, try the following exercise. Take out a pen and paper and finish this sentence:
I realize I have expectations on [insert name] however, I now release my need for [eg. my husband to show up a certain way, my latest book to take off, everything to run a certain way etc]. Thank you for the growth.
A powerful affirmation I use is…
I let go of all my expectations, I release the need to push.
Say it. Out loud. Over and over. And feel it with every fiber of your being.
I personally hand over all my expectations to Ganesh (the remover of obstacles) at the end of my meditation every morning. I let them go and get them out of my body. If that resonates with you, give it a try for yourself.
The most important thing to do is catch yourself when you have expectations. Take responsibility and choose differently. It takes practice and it all starts with a choice. A choice that will improve your life.
Was this helpful? If so, please share it with your friends! And share with me in the comments below — do you place expectations on yourself and others? If so, how do you let them go?
As always, thank you so much for the wisdom you bring in the comments — you are helping so many people.
I love the bejesus out of you.
Wow, i SO needed to hear this today! My husband always says, you can’t place expectations on people (they will do, act and perceive situations differently to you) and he is SO right. 🙂
He sure is honey.
As per usual your emails pop into my inbox right at the perfect time. This was amazing x
This came into my inbox at the perfect time lovely. Thank you so much <3
OMG! Melissa! This post was absolutely helpful for me. Thanks for bringing some clarity around this topic in a way that really resonates with me! I love the practical suggestion you give to bringing more harmony to my relationships with others. I do have a tendency to set high expectations not only on others, but on myself and I realize reading this that its a destructive pattern that does not serve me in ways that do more good than harm. Thanks for this again!
Just what I needed to read today Mel.
“I release my expectations to be included/accepted by my colleagues”
“I release my expectations to be contacted back by that recruiter”
and it feels good!
Love & light xo
Hi Mel, yes I understand totally what you are saying. Though when you are in a relationship for 2o something years and you both have similar expectations of each other. If one decides to change, then it changes the equilibrium of the relationship, sort of puts it out of kilter, if you know what I mean. In away, if one is going to change expectations, in a relationship that relies on team effort, then both, if not the whole family has to change there expectations of each other, especially if teenage children are involved. They get so used to the role of a parent that is doing everything for them . It’s like a domino effect.
If expectations are bogging a relationship, then that relationship is possibly toxic. If one changes expectations, then really the whole family has to, when that happens, it may cause turbulence for awhile until I believe you all have a rational conversation around the table about what you feel you should be contributing and also have a white board, where by you can put your goals and agenda, or plans for the family in the near future. I know that sitting around a table in our family rarely happens, because of different work shifts. So really important, to have that on a more regular basis. Having a united family, where we all know what each other wants and needs and whether it is realistic in our lifestyle. Just my opinion. In saying all of that. I will be trying to do all of the above in my own family. Easier said than done. 🙂 Great topic Mel 🙂 x
Or the other option is stay doing exactly what you’re doing.
Remember change is never comfortable if itwas easy everyone would do it. It you want your relationships to grow sometimes we have to endure growing pains. But the uncomfortable feelings during change far out weights the end results.
Hi Mel you have become someone that shines a light gives direction. Somehow it always looks easier from the outside looking in. To understand situations, that may be a little too controlled at times, feeling trapped. Just digging deep thinking about my needs which so easily get forgotten as a Mum. Everyone else just thinks yeah Mum can just keep giving and not need any rejuvenation. Yeah as much as I dearly love my family!! It feels like life is just going on around me and I am not living my life. I would like to just pack a bag and go some where warm with some girlfriends and have a fun time for a change of atmosphere and scenery. It always seems easy for the other half to go of on trips with mates and I just get left keeping the house in order. Life becomes monotonous, running on empty.
Alright babes it’s time for you to book a trip with the girls. You’re family will survive 2 nights without you. You have to fill yourself up so that you are the best version of yourself. It is only then you can show up to your family (and the world) as the best you, because right now you are showing up and the half full you. Give yourself permission and do it 😉
Thanks beautiful person, that you are. xo -:) One day I believe deep down I will meet you.
Make sure you come to my next event hun.
xx
Hi Mel,
When is your next event ?? Is that in Sydney, or Melbourne ?? 🙂
I am speaking at all three Utopia Womens Wellness events. You can check out the details here http://www.utopiawomenswellness.com/
Thankyou. I really needed this today. I don’t know how many times I repeated the mantra but a weight has lifted and it will continue to lift as I repeat this all day.
Thank you so much for this Mel. Brilliant and so true. I love your gentle and loving reminders. Thank you again , love Ash xoxo
Adding to what I said in my last comments. I will try and let go of just one thing. Not sure what right this minute. Though I will give it a go. Now that I am thinking about it. I do let go of lots of things. Though I then find I have more work to do, because of it. Some of the time. 🙂
Yes SURRENDER, that is difficult for me. That makes me feel vulnerable.
But vulnerable makes people lean it. Vulnerability is who you truly are. You are allowing people to see the REAL you. It’s beautiful. Don’t worry about what other people think of you. Remember opinions are like ass holes, everyone’s got ’em.
Thanks for your replies Mel, you know what I love about this blog site is your feedback is always spot on, your replies always hit home, and with me it just comes down to making a change, pretty much getting my own independence back, I am a little suppressed at the moment and just need to make one small change and that will create a chain reaction for more pleasurable and satisfying, times for me. You have been a god send to me
Mel with your email/blog site. I just have to stop procrastinating and stop being scared of failure. xo:-)
Thank you so much for your kind words Charlie.
I love this quote from Conversations with God, ‘Fear is your greatest enemy’. It’s so true you can live your life scared of failure or you can leap and the neat with appear. It’s up to you! I know I came here to take risks, live a big life and not sit in the side lines and so did you my love. It’s time to let go of the fear and live your life.
xx
Hi Mel, when you surrender and show your vulnerability, as a matter of fact, express your affection, in the most loving way that you know is being true to yourself. Though after you expose that part of you. The thing is you don’t then get your affection reciprocated in the way that you are assuming it will be shown. Considering how you surrendered !!!!!
Hey Charlie,
I would let go of the expectation of wanting it to be reciprocated. Just be you and how ever that is received is perfect. Let go of wanting to get something back in return and just be your beautiful self.
xx
Thanks Mel, I will give it a go. Great time to start on my birthday. Perfect opportunity. xo 🙂
Wow, your timing is spot on! I am starting a business at the moment, and leaving my current career of 10 years. I am ready to take that leap into the unknown but I am scared that my business will not live up to the expectations of those around me. The decisions I’m making at the moment seem to be made out of fear. You have reminded me to stop listening to my mean girl and go with my heart. The love and passion I feel for my next adventure will surely shine through and bring success.
I also know that I am guilty of putting expectations on my fiance. My mean girl creates an idea of how our relationship should be, and how he should act and when it doesn’t go according to ‘plan’ I am so disappointed. I honestly felt a weight off my shoulders as I read your words. I’ve got to remember how lucky I am to be with this amazing guy who loves me, the real me, supports my dreams and makes me laugh. So what if he leaves his socks on the bathroom floor, and not in the laundry basket. I release him of my expectations and just want him to be himself, not some character from a romantic comedy.
Thanks Melissa for your awesome words!
xx
No worries Holly, but I just wanted to remind you you are not lucky to be with him … you are WORTHY! There is no luck about it. You deserve exactly what you are experiencing right now. And if that is an amazing guy who love you, support you and make you laugh then beautiful that’s because you are totally worthy of it. Never forget it 😉
Yes! I used to place a ton of expectation on the people around me when I was younger. I felt like I did a lot for people, so I expected a lot back in return and it made me very unhappy. After I worked through releasing these expectations, I felt a million times better. x
You always do Sacha. Expectations are heavy and are actually all from fear (Aka our Mean Girl). When we are in our heart love does not know expectations at all. It’s just pure love.
So beautiful Mel. I love this post as it not only has you letting go but also brining you back to the here and now. Thank you.
Thank you gorgeous : love, love absolutely love your article! Perfect start for my morning! I definitely can relate to that expectations! Even, if sometimes, i think i didn’t have some, if i scratch a little bit deeper i can find it!
Especially right now in my business as it is still pretty new and I have SO SO many expectations on it and it is tricky as “we should” (I should not say this word lol) have goals & a vision, a plan. To find the balance between the 2 : releasing expectations & having goals (with soul) & a vision is still difficult for me! Much much love & gratitude. Cloé
Hey Cloe,
What if you let go of the goals and just followed the feelings you desire. Like Danielle La Porte talks about… tap into your core desire feelings and follow them. Have desires and things you would love to experience but let go of goal and following those feelings.
Woah nelly….I learnt this lesson in the biggest way this year! One= a friend for many years ended our relationship because I went on holiday (alone) and didn’t invite her. She had all these expectations about how I should behave as her friend. I didn’t even know about her expectations but once she started giving out to me for going on holiday I could see it all as clear as day! She had tons of expectations as to what constitutes friendship. Two= I got married to a beautiful man one month ago. We put zero expectations on people. My dad is very quiet and hates public speaking and we told everyone (him included) that no one has to make a typical “speech” or do anything at all that they are uncomfortable with. I put no expectations on my family or friends. And you know what…it was a beautiful, relaxed day where everyone had the freedom to just be with us…minus expectations. So yip….lessons learnt! Awesome post!
It’s so awesome that you can identify expectations so easily honey. Well done!
Keep catching ’em. They will pop up here there and everywhere. We got to be sharp to catch them.
xx
Melissa…. I LOVE you, and everything you are about… I read your blog all the time and EVERYTHING you say resinates with me… You are beautiful and amazing and such an inspiration to me… I LOVE your work.. THANK YOU for sharing all you share… I am so inspired by you and your work… Ruth xx
Thank you so much beautiful Ruth. You inspire me 😉
Wow Melissa, I really felt like this was written for me personally. Some of your examples are the exact expectations I think to myself about myself and those around me.. I guess I haven’t really thought of them as expectations before and something that I need to let go of… You’ve given me lots to think about, I’d love to learn more about it and steps to take to help remind myself about letting go and noticing the expectations… In saying that though hopefully I will notice it more after your blog post has brought it to my attention…
Hey Jodey,
Now that you are aware of it and we have shone light on your expectations it is no longer dark and you will begin to see more and more where you have expectations in all areas of your life. It becomes a fun game catching yourself placing expectations on others and yourself. Be gentle when you do catch yourself and even have a little laugh about it. That’s what I do 😉
Love this!! Thank You Mel.Seriously what I needed to hear, not just now but ALL THE TIME! I have a question if I may, my fear of letting go of expectations (with certain people) is that I am then allowing myself to be treated bad, walked all over, and well I guess… not what I had want or expect of them. Time and time again this happens, how do I get off this sh*t expectation rollercoaster?? Really looking forward to seeing you speak at Utopia in Sydney xx
Hi honey,
No you wont allow yourself to be treating badly etc because you will be showing up as pure love. Love does not have expectations and love does not fear anything. When you are present and in your heart you fear nothing.
I hope this helps my darling and yes I can’t wait to meet you (and hopefully hug you) at Utopia.
I would really love that. I’m trying to understand this fully. I cant say I do just yet, but I’m just going to take my time with it and let your words sink in. You are so knowledgeable and I learn so much from what you share. You are truly inspirational and evoking changes in me……Thank you x
Hi Melissa
Thank you so much for this article, I am going through this very thing at the moment and too true that I expect certain people to be a certain way (i.e my boyfriend to offer the same support as my girlfriends do for instance), I’ve just never been able to articulate it like you have! So this has been a big eye opener to know that I’m not the only one who experiences this. Thank you and I will certainly try to practise this everyday and be conscious of my (sometimes) unnecessary expectations of other people x
Give it a try Diane and remember it all comes down to your choices.
xx
“When the student is ready, the teacher appears” could not apply more to reading this when I did! After going through a little emotional lull and not being able to put my finger on it, this was like DING DING DING!!!! Thank you so much for bringing this topic up and offering your take on how to let go. I so appreciate it. Millions of thanks and love vibes from Brooklyn <3
This is so true. Expectations bring so much heartache. I’ve been aware of the idea for a while, but thank you for the reminder to really live it more often. The practice is where it becomes powerful. Thanks Mel <3
Funny how you don’t even realise you have expectations until you read something like this and it really makes you stop and think! Thanks beautiful, great timing for some love! 🙂
Hi Mel. I love your style! Youve been in my life about a year and have opened my eyes, and heart, to a new way of life.
But Im struggling with this one. I understand dropping expectations such as ‘i expect return txts’ and ‘to always spend so much time together’ , ‘ cool dinner’, be such-and-such a friend’….but what about the ones like basic respect. To not be ‘stood up’ or to be true to their word or to be open to me. Are these still expectations that i shld let go? Yes-this has to do with a boy…. Im just confused about dropping these things as ‘expectations’. Because then arent i just open to keep on be treated with poor respect/not have the kindness that i show reciprocated? I kind of get it but i kind of dont 🙁 Keen to stop wasting my brain cells on these worries so would really love a touch of guidance?
Thanks Mel. xx
Hello beautiful,
Great question. Yes they are expectations. When you let go of expecting someone to show up or act a certain way watch what happens. I have no expectations on my husband. I just want him to be him because when he is fully himself he is at his best, he is the best version of himself. Let go of control and wanting things to be a certain way and just show up as your perfect beautiful self. That is all you can do. You can’t try and make someone act a certain way. All you can do is be the best you. Don’t that make sense?
HI beautiful Mel,
Sorry I know this post was from awhile back, but I’. struggling with this one too and feel like it connects so beautifully with a current experience I am going through and I have the perfect opportunity to drop expectations I place over people. I think I understand what you are saying – I am just a bit cloudy over whether my actions are coming from a point of love for myself or expectations on a relationship?
I’ve been seeing someone for a few months, who works away for 2 weeks and pretty much never contacts me while his away.As soon as he is home he is really interested in seeing me and getting to know me. I feel like its bothering me as I am questioning his intentions for seeing me. By asking him what the deal is, am i coming from a point of love as I have respect myself or am i unhappy because i have expectations on him? Hopefully that makes sense! Any thoughts would be so helpful! Warm wishes, xx
Hi sweetie,
Thank you so much for your great question. I can only speak from my personal experience and I want to share a story with you. I used to have a boyfriend who travelled a lot with work and every time he left I too would get so pissed that he didn’t call or text me every day. What I realised was was that I had big fat expectations placed all over him. When I let go of those expectations and just allowed him to show up exactly the way he was meant to he then texted me. Like magic. Do some of my meditations and really let go of your expectations. Do it until you really feel you have let them go.
Sending you so much love honey and let me know how you go.
xx
Renee, I totally understand and relate to what you are saying, and I am married. I also totally understand and relate to what Mel is saying. This need to control, I believe we learn this as children as we watch our role models, our parents, then it just goes on from generation to generation. Also the role of companionship, being in tune with each other, having the same or similar or different beliefs, needs, or wants, chemistry, opposites attract, being strong enough to express what you want out of a relationship, rather than just agree to keep the other happy, then not be fulfilled yourself. I am still learning that one myself. 🙂 If you don’t have respect for each other at the beginning of a relationship, then it is a up hill battle, you are forever seeking it, as a woman in the relationship.
Great advice Charlie.
xx
Loving this post so much Mel! Your beautiful words of wisdom are so inspiring and forever life changing. Your an angel.
Beautiful article Melissa AND beautiful timing! (love how the universe always delivers) Really enjoyed reading it and doing the writing exercise – it was really helpful and a great way to “let it go – with love”.
G x
Isn’t time a funny thing!!
When your mail popped into my inbox, I was actually just writing a long email, containing all the things that made me feel sad in a particular relationship. After reading your post I realized that it was all because of expectations I kept directing at them.
So then, instead of offloading all my bs on to them, I decided to let it go and just send them my love. And guess what came streaming back at me. Nothing but love…
whhoo hooo Annika. I am so proud of you honey. Remember nothing good comes from closing. Open up and be love.
xx
Hi Mel,
Thank you so much for your little reminder about expectations.
I enjoyed reading your blog post today!!
I would love to learn more about expectations and relashionschip with people we love most :).
It would be lovely to hear from you and maybe some more information to learn more about how to let go of expection.
Love,
Chloe-louise
[…] And this post: […]
I’m just going through some of your older posts and stumbled across this one…and it is so relevant to me right now! I have realised that I also put expectations on not just people, but situations. I EXPECT flights to be awful which results in my incredible fear of flying. I EXPECT certain events in my life to turn out a particular way and so I spend time stressing about whether they will actually turn out that way instead of living in the moment and being truly present enough to enjoy these events! Thank you so much for this wonderful post! I will be trying to identify when and where I am placing expectations on my life and trying to let go of any preconcieved ideas. Big love x
Hi Melissa,
What about when your loved ones have expectations of you? one can control our own expectations and try to remove them but what when loved ones do not understand the damage expectations create? How can we deal with the sadness we feel because even though we know our truth, our loved ones feel let down.
Thank you! and I love your website!!!
Hey Ailyn,
Great question!
You truly can only look after yourself, you can not save anyone else. You know that saying you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. As long as you lead by example and truly let go of YOUR expectations with yourself and others it will feed out into other areas of you life. Your loved ones will feel it but it’s not your responsibility to try and save others. Just focus on you and letting go of your expectations.
Does that make sense honey?
Yes, it does, thank you!!!
Sending you lots of love and blessings xoxox
Hi Mel, I have just come across this article and had a some questions for you. I know that I need to let go of my expectations of others and of myself. How do I do this and also manifest dreams/live from a place of desire of what I want in life? I believe I deserve the best and to not settle for anything less. If I deserve the best in my relationship with a partner, how can I do this but also release expectations of that person and that relationship? I want to follow my heart and my truth and not just settle in a relationship that isn’t the best it can be. I’m coming out of marriage where I was releasing my expectations and trying to expect him. I always felt that he didn’t express his love for me very well, when I opened up about this he assured me he did and that was just him, I learnt to accept his word and learnt to release my expectations and focussed on showing love to him and being my highest self, after three years of marriage he ended up telling me he wasn’t hapoy, didn’t love me anymore and had an affair. He is now with that woman. I always felt that he didn’t express love well but he assured me he did. I trusted his and let go of expectations and then have been very hurt. I thought his behaviour was just because of my high expectations which I needed to let go of but now I think that I should’ve left because he didnt make me feel the way I wanted to feel. Please help me understand when to stay and when to listen to your gut and walk away?
Hi beautiful Belinda,
Thank you for your openness and transparency.
Firstly, I believe you must always listen to your gut/heart/intuition/high self… whatever you want to call it. It always knows the way. Your Mean Girl will try and jump in and tell you otherwise though. Your job is to not listen to her. It sounds like your Mean Girl is being very loud at the moment and the best way quieten her is to gently close the door on her.
I want to remind you that no one can make you feel a certain way only you can do that. You are responsible for how you want to feel no one else. Reclaim that responsibility and know that you can choose how you want to feel in every moment, of every second, of every day. It’s always your choice. And if you don’t like the choice you currently made, choose again darling. Love is always only a breath away.
Does that help honey?
Hi Melissa,
I just read this article again as I am struggling in my relationship with my boyfriend these days. I feel like I have so much to learn from this and need to release a LOT of expectations I have on myself and others.
I wonder what you think I should do if I feel like people around me have high expectations on me? For example, my boyfriend has expectations on me all the time about me having to solve our relationship issues. He constantly reiterates that if so and so is not working it is because I need to change such and such things … I know I have lots of things to work on but really feel weighed down seeing he has such high expectations on me.
I guess my question is how do you do learn to deal with the expectations from others and still maintain a beautiful loving relationship with the other person?
Thank you,
Catherine
Great question Catherine.
Firstly, you need to drop all your expectations you have on yourself and others. You need to lead by example. And if you feel he still has expectations on you that’s because you still have some on him and yourself. He is your mirror! So it’s time to let go of all your expectations right now.
Try this for 3 weeks and let me know how you go.
Secondly, you can sit him down and have a heart to heart talk with him and express how you are truly feeling. Do not talk if you are not in your heart space and if he isn’t either, otherwise your ego will just be fighting with his ego. You want to speak from your heart and you will reach his heart.
Give these two things a try and let me know how you go honey.
I can’t wait to hear your thoughts.
xx
This makes so much sense. I am definitely going to make my focus for the next 3 weeks about letting my expectations fly … far away! Thank you so much Melissa. I’ll let you know how it went! xx
Hi Melissa. Had to drop by and say your advice has been very powerful. I only have been applying it for a couple of days and can already see the positive effects its having on me and my relationship. It’s amazing how I feel more free, authentic and loving. Truly unbelievable how such simple words can change things so radically. I can’t say it isn’t challenging, in fact I feel it will probably be one of my biggest battle, but wanted to say I feel very grateful for coming across your article and having the chance to applying this incredible principle. Thank you, thank you! Xx
You’re so welcome Catherine.
Remember it takes time and daily commitment to working on it. Keep going beautiful, you’re doing so well.
xx
Hi Melissa,
Even though I’ve been repeating each day affirmations about letting go of expectations, tonight, without noticing it I felt into the trap once again … I feel like in some circumstances I can’t seem to find ways to get myself to feel the love I crave so much. I look for others to fullfill that gap and act out of fear. I’ve noticed that times when I am surrounded with new people or people I feel less of a connection with, I can be my best self for a while but then after a couple of hours I start to feel “out of place” and start to close down. I wonder if you have any idea on how, instead of falling into fear town, I could somehow nourish myself with the love I need… How can I feed myself with self love when circumstances don’t allow for as much flexibility in what I can do (ex: when at an event with my boyfriend’s friends whom I feel little to no connection with). I hope that my question is clear. Thank you in advance for your precious advice and time.
Catherine
Hi Catherine,
I am a bit confused but it sounds like you really need to flex your self-love muscle. If I was you I would focus on really dialing up my self-worth and taking time to fill myself up. Remember everything outside of us is a reflection of our internal state, and the lack of connection you feel with others is the lack of connection you feel within yourself.
I hope that make sense honey?
Thank you Melissa. You are right, it all comes back to me loving myself more.
I guess what I was trying to say is, for some reason, I struggle a lot with being in circumstances when I am in contact with people I don’t know or feel I have no affinities with … What do you think this means? Why in your opinion do I feel like this?
I think you’re thinking about it way too much honey. You are always going to come in contact with people you don’t know and have no affinities with. That’s life! But our job is to not judge and to remember everyone is on different operating systems.
Does that help honey?
Ok. You are right … I need to drop it and stop overthinking. I’ll just work on being my perfect beautiful self. 🙂 Thank you!
I guess I’m also wondering if it might be that a lot of circumstances when I feel like my boyfriend is thriving I, on the other hand, feel out of place (ex. he strives doing PR and meeting lots of new people talking about small stuff whereas I thrive so much more on creating deep connections with others). Is it possible that one of the reason why I always feel like I am struggling with feeling and being loved us because I chose to be with someone who is seeking love in a different way than I am?
Hi Catherine,
If I was you I would focus on loving myself first. Once we are bursting with love within ourselves everything shifts and we no longer seek external love, acceptance or appreciation. Does that make sense honey?
It always comes back to us, everything! Turn the mirror around and ask yourself, “what part am I playing in this?” A powerful question that allows us to take responsibility and go inward.
Give this a go sweetie and let me know how you go.
xx
It makes a lot of sense. I can’t wait to be at that point where I truly love and accept myself just as I am. Thank you for your support and kindness Melissa. Xxx
You are so welcome beautiful.
You will get there!
xx
Hi again Melissa,
I am looking for some advice again as I am really struggling in my relationship with my man… One thing I’ve realized is that often, when we get in conflict, I automatically shut down and am unable to stay around him for a second. I need to meditate, go out in nature, listen to music and get out of the situation for an extended period of time (a full evening, or sometime day!) … I wish I was able to stay around him and be ‘okay’ talking and sharing our normal routine, to then later talk with him heart to heart when we are both more calm, but I can’t seem to get out of this pattern …
Do you have any idea why that is? What are some things I could do or repeat to myself that could help me stay present without having to take extended period of times away and alone?
Thank you so much for your precious time …
Catherine xx
Hey Catherine,
Thanks for your question. I would try by taking a few deep breaths and opening my heart. It sounds like you are closing off and wanting to run away so I would practice opening your heart and deep breathing. See how you go with that and let me know.
xx
Thanks , will give it a try! xx
Dear Melissa
I am married for 2 years now to the man I loved. Things were going on fine between us but since last year things have changed. I am a divorcee and he is single. Now he is not as loving as before. When I asked him he says that he is busy with work and he has other stuffs in his mind. We are together but there is no spark in the relationship. It’s just a normal routine and I feel neglected. It’s always me texting him and telling him to call me when he is at work since he works long hours. When I ask why he doesn’t text or call he says he has nothing to talk. I feel bad and don’t know how to bring back the spark. Kindly advise
Hey honey,
Have you sat down, opened your heart and shared from your heart to him about how you feel?
Melissa, Thank you! I needed this. I place so many expectations on myself, my husband and daughter. I need to let it go and just enjoy my time with these amazing people in my life.
That’s right angel. Life is so much more fun when you let go of expectations 😉
Dear Melissa
After I finished my meditation today I’ve realised I’ve been missing something. 15 min of consciousness breathe makes me feel like I’m on a cloud. I’m present, peaceful, my mean girl is gone. However before I’ve read your post I was wondering how can I end my meditation? What do I say? How I can truly be thankful to the universe, to my body, to myself? (Does it sound silly?)
I’m going to let go my expectations after my meditation from now. Thank you so much for being such an inspiration.
Love,
Kasia
Hey Kasia,
You could say a pray or an affirmation. That’s how I round out my medi’s 😉
xx
Hi Melissa,
I simply googled letting go of labels and stumbled (happily) across your page. Thank you for your words of wisdom and know that as of this moment, ” I let go of all my expectations, I release the need to push”. I am going to make a practice of this every morning I do my meditation. I feel so free after reading your article, having a way to release the need to push will go a long way in my closest and most intimate of friendships/relationships. I had done a lot of work on letting go, however underlying was this need for a label and it was truly messing me up. I can only imagine my expectations developed from a childhood where i couldn’t depend on anyone but myself and so as an adult I developed this need to label my friendship/relationships and it certainly has hurt them at times, however I want to do different, be different and have the most amazing experiences with others I cherish in my life. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!! I so needed to hear this today and I believe an answer to my prayer and searching for help in this area. I am excited to experience the changes as a result of this.
Hey Dani, thanks for sharing. So glad you enjoyed this post. xx
Hi Melissa, I find this truly powerful and where I have gone wrong in past relationships. I’m currently calling in my soulmate, how do I let go of expectations here, all I imagine is the way I want and need to feel with this amazing guy and I know he will enter my life when the time is right. I’m worried that my hopes and dreams of this soulmate is myself already placing expectations for this relationship. Thanks! Xx
You can have desires and preferences honey but then let go of the expectations. Have you read Open Wide yet? I think you will get a lot out of it. xx
I try to let go of expectations but honesty is one thing I can’t compromise on. I’m a new step-parent which in itself is challenging but my partner keeps lying about his communication and catching up with his his ex to me. How to maintain being loving and supportive but also express how this is not ok and I need trust in my life? Its a careful balance thats difficult. I’ve expressed to him many times that this behaviour hurts me, a year long process but its still happening.
Hey Latasha, I am sending you so much love. As a fellow step muma I hear you! Stepping into the role as a step muma (or what I call a bonus mum) which I have signed up for, has forced me to do some deep inner child healing work and re-parenting within myself. It’s been huge and one of the things you can do is get support. You don’t have to move through this alone. Have you got someone you can speak with? Please let me know so I can support you how ever I can. xx
Thank from Marilou Wulf
Hi Melissa! This is the second time I’ve read this and something has finally clicked. I am full of expectations on my husband and myself and it’s a never ending battle. I now realise I need to let go of them and I am starting to catch myself out when I notice I have an expectation on something or someone. I guess my question is, will it really work? I’m really scared to be this vulnerable and I’m afraid if I don’t set expectations on my husband that our relationship will just fade. He works all the time from home and although I am super supportive, I feel like he never spends time with me which sounds bratty but I’m just wanting to feel the love back. Obviously running a business requires sacrifices but I just want him to realise there’s a balance. It’s taking a bit of a toll on his sleep and appetite too as he doesn’t have a regular routine, but all I feel like I can do is keep the household going well and keep an eye on his health making sure he eats everyday and gets some sleep. Forever wishing I could just talk to you face to face! I might need to reread your mean girl book. Yours sincerely ❤️
Hey Creta, thank you so much for your great question. Expectations ruin relationships! You can have preferences and desires and express them with CCC (Crystal Clear Communication) to him from your heart, but then let them go. When you let them go you will create more space in your relationship and your home. Give it a try for 3 weeks and see how you feel. Report back to me with how you go. I can’t wait to see what unfold for you darling. xx