I am a massive advocate for authenticity. I have made a habit of always checking in with myself to make sure I’m being real. When I am, I feel aligned and energized. When I’m not, I feel flat-out yuck. I also seek authenticity in others. There’s nothing better than having a sincere, genuine convo and cuppa with someone who lives their truth.
I believe you can smell authenticity a mile away — it’s sexy and inviting. You can also smell inauthenticity and let me tell you, it stinks!
Even though I value this sort of honesty and openness so highly, I recently caught myself not being authentic. A friend came to me and shared something she was going through. Instantly, I could see that she was coming from fear. Her Mean Girl was ruling the roost and everything she was saying was old stuff. I could see it was residue from a past hurt, but she couldn’t. And that’s totally ok. But in that moment, I could have lovingly called her on it. Maybe even inspired her out of her fear. But to be honest, I was shit scared. Scared to say…
“Hey babe, what if that was totally your Mean Girl talking? What if that’s not your truth, and you don’t need to keep pressing replay on your past story?”
Simple!
But I was too scared. Scared to be rejected, really. I was having a human moment, and that’s ok. But those moments when we lovingly inspire someone out of their fear — or see something that maybe they can’t — are moments of growth for us, and allow us to be of total service to the people around us.
But to do this, of course, means putting yourself in the ringer. It’s a scary and vulnerable place to be — you’re opening yourself up for rejection and ridicule. But this is where we must go in order to evolve and go deeper within ourselves.
Speak your truth. It isn’t always comfortable, but it’s the most powerful way to grow.
To call someone on their stuff, you must come from love. This doesn’t mean you don’t let your friends feel their feelings or speak their truth. You are simply speaking yours, expressing what you see, and hopefully inspiring them to reconnect with their heart. I learned a lot from this experience. I learned that in that moment, I let my power be outside of myself. I cared what someone else thought instead of honoring my truth. In fact, I called my girlfriend up a few days later and told her that even though the moment had passed, I hadn’t spoken my truth in our conversation. I lovingly shared my insight with her, and she was still able to have a realization within herself. Brilliant! Here’s what I believe…
You are not being of service to others if you are not lovingly speaking your truth and calling them on their stuff. We aren’t here to tiptoe around each other — we came here to live fully, speak openly and be the fullest version of ourselves. By holding it in because you are scared of what the other person might say, you’re just giving into your own fear. Instead, choose to breathe into it. Let it go. Open up and speak from your heart my darling.
Have you found yourself holding back your truth before? If so, how did you deal with it? Share with me in the comments below. Thank you so much for all the love and advice you pour into the comments. You really are helping so many people.
I love this post so much. Do you ever think there’s a time to just let things go? I wonder if not every situation needs a response. Sometimes people just need a listening ear, or else words can even be not necessary or worsen the situation… what do you think? I’m always battling between speaking up and sometimes just letting it go.
Hi honey,
Always be your truth. Maybe sometimes your truth is to let it go and maybe sometimes it’s to say something. Check in with yourself and you will know.
I hope that helps.
Hey DB, I totally know what you’re saying. I find that listening with love and neutrality is so powerful and that when you ask powerful questions along with it, the other person can often discover something for themselves. I’m trained as a coach so I’ve found over the years that the other person gets more out of discovering for themselves what they already know deep down inside. But sometimes the pattern just needs to be called out with love, like Melissa is talking about. You’ve just gotta listen to your own intuition to know what is needed in any given situation.
Exactly honey. Always listening and following your intuition is key! That’s how a run my business and live my life. xx
Mel, thank you so much for this, it’s come at a perfect time for me, like these things usually do! The universe knows what it’s doing! I’m in a place of transition and my friends have a difficult time accepting the changes I’m trying to instil in my life and in fact they constantly pressure me to revert back to my old lifestyle by making me feel guilty or like I’m dependent on alcohol and going out partying to be ‘fun’. I guess I’ve been tip toeing around them and need to voice my true feelings about this to them. Thanks again, Mel! Your authenticity is inspiring.
No worries Sandra. Remember no one can make you feel anything unless you let them 😉
xx
Hey Sandra,
I’ve gone through exactly the same thing. The way my friends and I connect used to be by getting drunk and getting with randoms is clubs. I’ve moved way way past this and find pressure and judgement from my friends now. It feels as though I need to excuse why I don’t want to drink/eat the way they are.
It’s tricky because I love them so much but the relationship isn’t authentic because I’m constantly anxious about being around them and what uncomfortable situation they’ll put me in.
Finding friends who love and serve me and my values has been my resolution I think.
Xx
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for this post! I recently experienced this myself. I asked a friend about a situation I was in, and instead of expecting the same old ‘it will come to you’ or ‘there is nothing to worry about,’ I received a truthful answer from the person who struggled to say what I deep down was hoping someone would confirm with me. Strangely enough, this truth has allowed me to somehow move past this point. It has inspired me to be truthful in a kind way when others are seeking authenticity. What a great quality to possess. Thank you x
“But those moments when we lovingly inspire someone out of their fear — or see something that maybe they can’t — are moments of growth for us, and allow us to be of total service to the people around us.” – I absolutely live for these moments, but, as you mention my darling, I’m often scared that I’m being too harsh, or that someone will take what I say the wrong way.
If we speak with love and authenticity, people will respect and thank us for it. This is such an important thing to remember.
Thanks my lovely- what a lightworker you are- xx
Melissa I have been stewing on the same scenario for a few months now. I need to be honest to help my loved on but I’ve found (for some reason) holding back sits better with me. And yet it stews away inside me still. Speaking from the heart may be awkward at first but in the end it’s the best for both of us. I’m of no help to anyone if I am holding back. You are beautiful, thank you for this post when I really needed it.
Thank you so much for this post. I can totally relate. My friend recently told me that she wants the ‘real me’ back, not the ‘coach’ I’ve become. What I have learned from that expericne, is that there is no point of telling anyone what’s good or bad unless they ask. But IF they ask, the only way is to speak up your truth. And if people think you’ve changed, I can guarantee you have simply evolved and become a totally different and happy person. So, that’s quite a compliment!
Absolutely Daria. I love this.
xx
Perfect timing – just what I needed to read at just the right time. I have come to recognise that this is exactly what I do with my fiancé and over the last week have been feeling like I need to really begin identifying the fear and/or feeling behind this so that I can connect with him from more of a place of love. I can see that some of his behaviours or beliefs come from his own past and places of fear but I usually don’t speak up – probably because I’m sure he will raise an eyebrow and look at me like I’m a fruitloop once I start speaking from a truthful, spiritual place. But I figure he already thinks I’m awesome so I really don’t know what holds me back … but I shall figure it out because maybe it will benefit him and our relationship too.
Thanks hun for the words I needed to hear xx
Absolutely it will benefit you both my darling. Try not to worry about what he is going to think or say because you really don’t know. Just do and be your truth. That is all we can ever do.
Good luck my love.
xx
I have this issue right now, at my work. There is a lack of team spirit and of flexibility (or only flexibility from be…. not both side) with co workers and management.
And honestly, I don’t know what to do!!!!!
I don(t want to become like them (selfish)…. but it’s hard when you are the only one to give….
I really need help!
Hi Geraldine,
If I was you I would openly and lovingly communicate how you feel with them from your heart. That is the only thing you can do.
Let me know how you go?
xx
Very Informative page, I hope it will be useful for all of us. Thanks for sharing it with us
This is great melissa its something I always struggle with. I often just agree with people to keep the peace and not to rock the boat but then afterwards wish I had said how I really felt. I think I need to maybe slow down and think before I speak.?? I guess I don’t want to say the wrong thing and offend someone.
The thing is Sharda when ever we don’t speak our truth in a situation we always feel like crap when we walk away. We constantly think about it and wished we had of spoken our truth in that moment. You can tip toe around people all your life or you can speak you truth my love. Make sure you are fully present in each moment and you wont have to think about what you are going to say. You will be speaking from your heart (your truth). That’s the juicy spot and the place we want to live from.
xx
I love this post so much! Speaking my truth is something that I am still struggling a lot with. It’s so hard to speak my truth in those moments but when i don’t i feel so awful.
Hey Alexia,
I know it’s hard but keep at it honey and it will become more and more normal and natural for you.
xx
Thanks Melissa.
I think this is really important – but sometimes I do get a bit tired of being the one who has the ‘difficult’ conversations all the time, trying to be in integrity and express my truth. But…I guess it would be harder not to say it.
I guess we just need to keep opening everyone’s hearts to being in integrity, and then we won’t need to have the hard conversations all the time! 🙂
Hi Ellen,
Focus on opening your heart my love. I remember feeling the exact same way as you many years ago, but then I just let it go and focused on constantly opening my heart and you know what happened? The people around me their heart started to open. Like magic 😉
xx
Fabulous post Melissa and the reminder so timely for me. Be true. Thanks!
I agree that you’re only living in more fear when you don’t speak your mind. The best way I’ve found to do this is to live in the “question”. So instead of coming off like you’re attacking somebody (even though you know you’re not) you can ask very loving questions where your opinion is implied. But being bold and unapologetic about who you are is truly freeing isn’t it?
Totally Justin! Very freeing.
xx
This is perfect Melissa! I love this to pieces. I feel like I should always have this thought at the back of mind “Speak my truth but come from a place of love” as you so eloquently described so that I don’t keep being too afraid to speak up! I feel like I constantly don’t speak up in situations that I should and then I reflect it on afterwards and as you said I just feel “yuck” for not being genuine and especially when I collude in behaviour I don’t agree with but don’t want to call others out on it instead. Thanks 🙂
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Absolutely perfect! I have studied at an agricultural university for the last year and have increasingly found it oppressing as speaking my truth is often considered la-dee-da Magic stuff. Organic is almost considered to be a dirty word as most of them are wired to increasing profits which they associate with using all manner of chemicals. More and more I try to engage in open-minded conversations with them but it is steady progress to change such entrenched mindsets!
Love your work Melissa, always a beautiful reminder to be authentic and the people I have come across through your various collaborations are just sensational too!
Xx
Thank you so much for your kind words Gemma.
I stopped trying to convert people to my way of thinking and instead just did what was true for me and that became a magnet for ears that wanted to listen.
Thank you for the beautiful work you are doing in the world. Keep going!
xx
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I really needed to hear this. Whenever I am alone I feel totally in my truth, but sometimes my mean girl gets the better of me when others are around and convinces me to act of fear of being ridiculed (though I’m getting better!). If other people don’t like what I have to say, or don’t believe the same things as me, then that is totally fine. I mean I came out years ago, if I could tell everyone that I’m gay I can easily speak my truth of my spiritual and self beliefs! No more fear, only openness. Thank you Melissa!
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I came to your blog this morning to find some insight on how to gracefully approach my friend’s mean girl. I found this article in 15 seconds! Thank you, thank you – this is just what I needed. It can be incredibly triggering when a friend’s mean girl is so loud that it begins to unravel our own inner work to take back the power from our mean girl! Energy is contagious, especially in close female friendships. I realize I’ve been tiptoe-ing around my friend’s mean girl and it’s not doing either of us any favors (it favors our mean girls, in fact). I know it’s time to speak my truth, hold space with love and not fear; otherwise pay the price of resentment (yuck!) and a disservice to myself and my dear friend. MY truth is a friendship focused on mutual growth, support, and depth (not comparison, negative self talk, and gossip!). Thanks again for the helpful article. Sometimes it takes reassurance to own what you already know <3
You’re a beautiful friend Kristina. xx
“We aren’t here to tiptoe around each other — we came here to live fully, speak openly and be the fullest version of ourselves.”
Amen! I’ve been tiptoeing around a dear friend for 10 months after he starting dating a girl I had liked who turned me down. I selfishly disrespected my friend’s boundaries on one occasion, apologized and was forgiven by my friend. However, he became standoffish for some reason on the rare occasions we hung out.
Eventually, he moved away, but I still feel a strong friendship with him. I’ve tried several times to set up a phone call to talk about things, but fear has held me back. I’ve been afraid of him rejecting me if I speak my mind and ask why he became distant. Your post encouraged me to face my fear and try again to talk things out, even if it’s me leaving a message.
I am so proud of you Marshall. I am sending you so much love for your phone call with him. Let me know how you go. xx
Thank you Melissa for this article. I was going through a difficult time with someone who I regarded as a new friend, but they were upset by my bluntness & left me without a word for weeks after I rejected them romantically. I was a little blunt, but had warned them twice already I was happy in my current relationship. I was very tempted to be with them, but morally I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I had. It was something I’d never had to consider before & I handled it as well as I could have.
The friend came back after a few months with little contact between us, telling me athey had found a new partner. I was really happy for them, & genuinely wanted to remain friends (but the situation meant it might not ever be possible). However, I could tell their body language had changed towards me, they were less open, & looked subtly uneasy when we met up, but were as pleasant as before to begin with. I couldn’t put my finger on the reason for this, but subtle hints were making me feel uneasy, as if they were only meeting up to seem friendly for the sake of not falling out. I had 3 more meetings with them, the gaps in time grew, & in the final one after weeks of no contact, they asked me if they’d done something wrong. I took this as a green light to tell them that them abandoning me for weeks without responding, & another time happily agreeing to do something but failing to agree a time/place again & again (obviously to avoid me), was becoming too much to put up with. I explained this was why I was less than happy, but we both agreed we’d not stop meeting up occasionally. However, they left abruptly after I told them why I was upset, & then they failed to make further contact for months. I reached out eventually & after no reply, sent a final neutral message saying I always regarded them as a friend, as a way to get some sort of closure. Have seen them once since, but was ignored completely. It hurt a lot.
Just wanted to say on here that my gut feeling at the time was to not mention the reason I felt unhappy with their behaviour, but they did eventually ask me. It appears that they couldn’t accept my reasoning, but I still don’t feel bad for saying what I did, as I genuinely hope it will give them a reason to learn & grow from this in their future relationships with people. By not saying what is on your mind you are basically passively accepting someone’s behaviour which will keep repeating if you let it.
Reading your post has helped me accept my bluntness was perhaps too much for my friend, and instead I should have been more gentle with the way I called out their previous repeated behaviour towards me. Thank you!
You’re welcome honey. I am so glad it helped and was supportive for you. xx