A few months ago I was really struggling with a particularly challenging relationship in my life.
Things weren’t going well, to say the least. Here’s what it looked like:
Anger, anger, anger, resistance, surrender, opening up, closing off, sadness, letting go, shutting down, letting go, tears, opening back up, tantrum, getting furious, closing off, sadness, anger, blood boiling, releasing, letting go, anger, opening up… and so on and so forth.
That’s the God’s honest truth.
And that’s life! It’s messy and it’s beautiful. It’s up and it’s down. And sometimes, it looks and feels like a dog’s breakfast. But it’s also incredibly colorful and ‘imperfectly perfect’ all at the same time. The trick is to not judge it. Hard, I know! Us humans love to judge and label everything from situations to relationships. Whenever we can, we will whack a big fat label on things. Our Mean Girl loves them. She thrives on them. But I will let you in on a little secret…
In order to release suffering it’s imperative to quit labeling.
You see, pain is inevitable. But suffering is a choice.
It’s easy to get caught up in the story and drama of the situation at hand, but what’s that really going to do…? Nothing! I know for a fact that the only thing it will accomplish is to cause more suffering and pain for myself.
When you truly realize that every person (and every situation) is your teacher and an opportunity for growth, you start to look at life through a different lens. You see, when I was struggling with that particular relationship, I forgot the truth for a moment. Instead of seeing it through love’s lens I was choosing to see it through my fear-based goggles. I was choosing to suffer. I forgot that my relationships are my spiritual assignments and I got totally sucked into the vortex of suffering. And let me tell you: that’s not a fun place to be — for me or for the people around me.
But you know what? I came back pretty quickly, and that is what it’s all about. When you forget the truth of who you are (which by the way is love) it’s your job to remind yourself as quickly as you can so you can return to love. Some times are harder than others (I know, I get it!) but — like anything — the more and more you practice, the better and better you get.
4 Steps For Coping With Challenging Relationships
- Lose your sh*t. Get angry. Stomp your feet. Scream into a pillow. Have a Pity Party Dance Off. Jump up and down. Dive into the ocean. Do whatever you need to do to get that energy out of your body.
- Come back and come back fast. Once you have allowed yourself to lose your sh*t, make sure you come back to the present moment. Don’t sit in suffering playing the victim. Life’s short and we need to bounce back quickly sista.
- Forgive. I know it’s a toughie, but forgiveness is the key to your freedom. When you forgive, you are not condoning what happened, you are simply freeing yourself from the ties that have bound you to the person or situation.
- Let go and move on, sista! Quit talking about it — move on and let it go. It’s done, you have bounced back, you’ve forgiven them, now it’s time to leave it in the past. Come back to the precious present moment.
The truth is, we are always going to experience situations in our life that challenge and stretch us. There’s always going to be stuff that forces us to test the muscles we’ve been building through our daily practice. We can’t change this.
Labeling causes suffering and keeps you stuck in Fear Town.
What we can change is how we react to those situations. In fact, how you react is the only thing you truly have control over in life. Sometimes you will surprise the pants off yourself with how well you handled a situation. Other times you will lose your sh*t, completely forget the truth of who you are, and wonder whether all those years and dollars you’ve spent on personal development were a complete waste… And that’s ok! That’s life, my sweet friend: Diverse. Colorful. Messy. And oh-so-beautiful. All wrapped up together with a little bow.
Life is here to stretch us. To make us expand beyond our wildest dreams. To remind us of everything we already know deep within. To unlearn the practices and conditioning that make us feel small so we can melt back into love.
When you commit to doing the work on yourself, the most magical thing happens… you inspire the world. Because when you expand and your light gets brighter, a beautiful ripple effect takes place and radiates outward.
So let’s all do this together. Let’s all take responsibility for our stuff. Let’s deal with it and move on. Let’s remember our truth. It’s time to come back to the light and choose not to suffer. It’s time to inspire the world…
Oh, and that relationship challenge I had? When I committed to looking inwards and doing the work, things shifted. Radically. Here’s how it looked afterwards:
Surrender. Release. Freedom. Love. Light.
It may have taken me a few twists and turns to get there, but I made it in the end! And that’s all that matters.
So tell me, sweet one: do you have any ways to deal with (bear with me, I am going to label here!) ‘difficult’ relationships? If so, please share with us in the comments below. I would love to hear your insights and wisdom.
Remember, thousands of people come here daily to be inspired by your words, so please share from your heart and help bring even more love and light into the world. Your words might be the one thing someone needs to read in order to make dramatic shifts in their own life. So share from your heart.
As always, thank you so much for all the truth and beauty you pour into the comments. I love reading them all.
Melissa – this post has come along at the perfect time for me. I have also been experiencing a lot of discomfort and challenge from a particular relationship. I realised that had chosen a path of fear rather than a path of love.
As soon as I eased into a commitment to a loving perspective, everything softened and things just seemed to fall into place. I believe that these people and these particular relationships are our biggest teachers for they are the ones that push us and challenge us to grow the most.
Thank you for bringing this message out to others who may feel like giving up on their difficult relationships rather than seeing the greater good that will come from it.
X Jo
Dear Melissa,
Such beautiful words! I really needed the reminder and I wanted to share my story for others to benefit from…
I ended a close friendship last year very abruptly after being accused of things that never happened. It was a severe case of “Chinese Whispers”!During the “discussion” she brought up things from three years before that she never told me had upset her. She put down my mother, my fiancé and basically told me that I was a terrible friend. I could see at the time that her mean girl was talking but I allowed my own mean girl to respond rather than coming from a place of love. I was distraught for weeks, months and I guess even now I think about the situation with sadness.
Since reading your posts and starting Gabby Bernstein’s May Cause Miracles Course at the beginning of the month (I loved her Sydney workshop too!), I have found the missing link – forgiveness! Not just to forgive my friend, but to forgive myself for blaming the situation on me when it really wasn’t ever about me.
So that’s what I am working on every day – acknowledge the fear, be grateful for what it is teaching me, forgiving myself and others, and making small (yet powerful) changes to my perception of the situation – see everything with LOVE…
I hope others in the same situation can see what they need to do to let go with love. It takes practise but I can see the benefits on a daily basis already 🙂
Thanks for being so inspirational Melissa!
Amanda xxx
Very deep – even though I recognised that Pluto in Capricorn will bring out a lot of surpressed, unconcious anger etc. in family and relationships as well as challenging status quo in governments. It is a challenge to go through it. And you wrote about the steps very clearly – I totally agree and reading your post made me smile. Wherever you all are – let’s move into the light! Thank you for posting this!
This could not be more amply timed. I have recently been in a somewhat back and forth struggle with a “tense” and “difficult” relationship in my life. I felt anxious every time I saw them. It was very draining and I would dread seeing them. Then I lost my sh*t. They lost their sh*t. But for the first time (in the circumstance of that particular relationship) I chose to breathe. I chose love. Let go. Fully forgive them. Forgive myself. Hug it out. All there was was love, light, surrender and forgiveness.
I am so grateful to have had that lesson and to grow from it.
Thank you for all your affirming words that always seem to reach me at the most perfect times. So much love and gratitude for you and your work.
Thank you!
xxxx
Hi Melissa,
I’m struggling with the fact that my 10.5 year relationship broke down because I’m still recovering from ME & there were other issues as well.
I have been in “blame” mode for days until today I finally asked my mean girl what on earth was going on?
I realised I have a huge fear of being abandoned which stems from childhood so I did some EFT & released a traumatic memory.
After I had done EFT, I was feeling a bit more energised & able to look at things differently & I sent a message to my ex-boyfriend explain I was terrified of being abandoned.
I was actually reacting in the same way my mum did when my dad left when I was 6!
I had to talk to the little girl inside me & calm her down.
Perfect timing! Your friend Tom Cronin said that journaling may help me as I’m highly sensitive.
Much Love,
Nicky xx
Hi Nicola,
Well done honey!
Yes, journalling is an amazing tool. Try it daily for 2 weeks and see how you feel.
Let me know how you go.
xx
In a similar vein to Amanda’s comment, I have found that a big part of being in the world & sharing it with other people is to try to keep reminding myself that everyone has their own “stuff” happening. And that when situations or people don’t always align, it doesn’t necessarily mean that we need to try to seize control of a situation and orchestrate everything to perfection. I’ve found that usually aggravates the frustration-factor.
Just like your reference to surrendering, Melissa, I have found surrendering to be a hugely helpful aspect to allowing relationships to do their thing. And not to see it as a personal criticism if things or people don’t behave in ways we would like them to!
Like you say, we can’t necessarily control situations, only can we manage the way we feel inside & about the our relationship with ourselves. And taking responsibility, even for being “in the wrong” or for behaving clumsily, can turn out to be incredibly empowering. The knowledge that we can improve our thoughts/feelings/attitudes in the next moment & then the next & the next … I find it liberating. And owning who we are, both light and shadow sides is beautiful because we can make both OK, as opposed to only accepting one side of the whole.
Well, I’ve rambled enough, hehe. But love joining in in the discussion – we have so much to teach each other & when people share I find it amazing & delightful to discover how many viewpoints we all have in common. Thanks for bringing this topic to light, Melissa!
To close, a quote from an American tv show my friend has been using as a mantra: “You do you. And I’ma do me”
🙂
Love that quote honey.
“You do you, And I do me.”
Oh boy! Do I know this feeling!! I have been thrown into a situation which I in fact have no control over. The only thing I can control is my reaction. This sure does prove difficult some days. One day I wake up thinking “i’ve got this”, the next day I would wake up depressed, unsure of my future, negative, negative, negative. I love how you say “Lose your shit”!! I found that needed to happen before I could even see light again. Its a process & it is the thing you call “Life”. Thanks for your honesty Melissa. We are all only human xx
My, my ,my. How I love your synchronicity with the universe! The love of my life recently broke up with me, and whilst I’ve been going through the stages of grief quite swiftly (anger finally hit me last night which an EXCELLENT tool for screaming and shouting and releasing that energy!) I spoke to my naturopath/counsellor/mentor and she was able to shed light on my lesson: UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Through all these stages of disbelief and guilt and anger I’m coming from a place of unconditional love for my ex partner, for me and of course for the universe for giving me this grand lesson! It’s shown me from the depths of my being that despite anger and sadness my capacity to love has no end and can only grow and become stronger. We went through some particularly hard experiences that threw me into anxiety and depression and yes, forgiveness is such an integral part of acceptance and trust in life. I’m just so excited to see what experiences I can learn next and to find out just how powerful love can be!! Thanks Melissa xx
‘You Can Heal Your Life’ by Louise L Hay has had a particularly strong impact on me by teaching me to discern whether my actions and thoughts are inspired by love or fear. I feel like it is necessary to recognise this fundamental duality at the root of all behaviours. Learning to release labels and societal expectations has enabled me to enter into a healthy and respectful (albeit unconventional) relationship for the first time in my life. Sometimes I feel a need to define and encapsulate relationships but I have come to realise that this is fear based and that if we are truly in a place of inner security and self love, the need to label and explain our life to others soon fades away. Great article Mel. x
Love this post Melissa! So so true. After only just recently starting my spiritual journey and development within, I find it hard when I fall off the bandwagon. Guilt, fear, anxiety and frustration kicks in. But then I stop and realize that personal development is a practice that never stops. What counts is how fast you can recognize your actions and behavior and change them.
Thank-you for this reminder Mel 🙂 XX.
Great blog Melissa – I definitely agree with your advice and love the way you have the ability to have your great message heard over such a vast audiance – so many have/will benefit which is amazing! The only thing I personally do differently, is when it comes to forgiveness. I believe that if you are to forgive, this means you must have first judged another and I aim to judge as little as possible in life. Acceptance is definitely the key as at the end of the day everyone has a choice, some we may not necessarily agree with in the sense we wouldn’t do it that way ourselves, but if you take accountability for your actions, release all fear, minimise any ego and come from a place of absolute love, then you will be sure to grow in your beautiful energy, benefiting not only yourself, but all of those around you! Keep up the great work! Much love x
Hey….
I think I’m at the start of that journey..
this post only made me think more and analyse what I already start to feel…
my relationship..just doesn’t feel right. feels there is so little love and more insecurity on both sides.
I start to feel I’m choosing fear over love and I’m stuck in the relationship because I’m 32 and scared being alone or worry nobody will accept me again (question if he is really accepting me at the moment?)…
hope this what I’m wringing make sense…
i just hope I will have enough power to understand and make decision.
I hope I choose love over fear and make space for real LOVE
xxx
Hi Marta,
No that you are not stuck in any relationship. You can always choose and choose from a place of love. Making any decision out of fear is always the wrong decision.
Know that you are worthy of all the love in the world. But no good me telling you that, you need to feel it at the very core of your being.
I hope that helps my love.
xx
Thank you,
It is very nice to know somebody on other end of the world went trough this same and now is happy and understand the puzzles of universe and being…
Thank you! Wish you are touring in UK, would love to attend some of the workshops 🙂
All the best
Marta xx
Hey Marta,
I will be in the UK one day. Keep an eye out.
xx
Your article couldn’t come at a better time. I have been struggling for so long in a relationship that was once brilliant when we didn’t live together. Now that my partner and his two children have had to move into my house I am full of anger and resentment about not having any space left in my own house now that his two children have taken what was once my lovely home office. I have nowhere to work and the anger has gotten worse and worse. My partner thinks that my son should share his bedroom with my partner’s two children and that would free up the room for my office but I think it is very unfair on my son to have to share. I have wondered if it was best to rent a place of my own but from a place of resentment, of course, I tell myself why should I have to.
I will be printing your article later and working hard to get back to a place of light and love and maybe I will be given a solution by Source.
Hey Deirdre,
Accept. Let go. Breathe. Surrender. And return back to love my darling. That is all there is to do in any situation.
xx
Thank you so much for your amazing post. This was exactly what I needed to read! Thank you for being such an awesome, beautiful, inspirational light. 🙂 Sending you lots of love, light, laughter, and limitlessness:)
My mum died four months ago. Everything has fallen apart since then. I’ve been depressed, I’ve gained heaps of weight, my relationship is on the rocks, I’m being a terrible mum to my two little girls, and I haven’t spoken to my sister for two months.
She announced she was pregnant two months ago with her third and I’m angry. Angry because she doesn’t cope with her first two, angry because I’ve always wanted three kids and she never talked about having kids at all, angry because it has taken away from mum’s death and angry that she has ‘life’ to look forward to.
I know I haven’t reacted with ‘love’ – I’ve reacted in fear.
Any advice on how to choose love when you’re greiving?
Hey Liz,
Right now it sounds like you have a lot of anger and my advice is to feel it. Get it out. Let it out. Allow yourself to fully feel what is going on inside you. However, I would suggest to be mindful of your language. Maybe stop saying I am anger at X, Y and Z and instead just allow yourself to just feel the anger. The truth is you aren’t anger at all those things. The truth right now is that you have anger within you and your Mean Girl will find anything to blame. Just allow yourself to feel it my darling.
Does that help?
It does help, although feeling the anger is scary to me. I’ve always been the ‘nice girl’ 🙂 And showing/feeling/acknowledging the darkness within me is scary. Also I’m not even sure how to express it.
But you’re right. I do have alot of anger. And most of it is towards myself for making choices in my life out if fear. And now having to live with the outcome.
Let go of the judgment my darling. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Let go of the past and be here in this moment.
You’re right. I need to let go, move on, forgive… How?
Wish I could hire you as my personal life coach! 🙂
That is exactly why I created Get Your Glow On. Check it out honey >>> http://melissaambrosini.bitnamiapp.com/glow
I coach you all the way through the program.
xx
Already watched the first video! Thank you for this. xxx
I’ve got all your meditations too. I love them. They work perfectly with my lifestyle.
Thank you for such beautiful, personal advice. I really, really appreciate it.
Aloha! Thank you for this post! It really helped me 🙂 I think relationships are so important and its good to have ones that make you feel good but also challenge you and teach you.
I have a question that has been kinda eating at me lately. I am in a relationship with the most amazing guy. We have been together for almost a year and we have such a special bond and I am really thankful for him 🙂
But once in a while, I miss being single. Is that a bad thing? We love each other so much, but there are aspects of being single that are fun sometimes. Do you ever miss being single now that you’re married??
Thank you for the inspiration 🙂
Hi honey,
Can I ask exactly what it is you miss about being ‘single’?
Brilliant Mel. Recently I was faced with situations that I had experienced as a little girl. Getting a very icky feeling something wasn’t right then seeing the situation for what is was and changing the outcome ahh the bliss of growing wiser. Live by step 3 forgiveness isn’t about being weak it’s about letting go.
Thank you for always inspiring.
Hi everyone and thank you Marvellous Mel for raising this topic.
I wanted to add something seemingly not covered by anyone else.
These, as Mel said are spiritual lessons along our individual paths.
Relationship difficulties in particular can leave lots of damage behind that it can take us time and lots of self-awareness to deal with as the strategies above are about.
What I would like to offer to the discussion is a ready and simple technique to both protect and heal ourselves. Hard hurts all leave their mark on our spirit and auras – and this can be a sensitive spot that remains sensitive for some time! And it can become very charged or extremely sensitised and cause our emotions to over-react when there is little real stimulation to cause reaction.
This technique harnesses the power of the energy meridians (chakras) – take 3 slow deep breaths with hands and arms at sides, locate your solar plexus and concentrate on your solar plexus. Best done morning preferably after meditation or your exercise routine, from the crown of your head run your hands down your centre line to your toes – you are zipping up your aura and your emotional field. Then zip from your toes right up to the top of your head ( crown chakra). Both down and up is good because your intent is stronger on the 2nd zip up. I use this when under extreme duress and also when illness is around. It harnesses the power of your energy meridian pathways in your body and is very powerful. It serves well as a protector. Try it and see! Casting care and aid to all!
Thank you so much for this beautiful exercise Synoxie. I can’t wait to try it.
xx
Thank you, Mel I would love to hear how you go! I look forward to when you share your experience with it.
One of those wonderful little life tools we all need in the arsenal – to bring more love and acceptance to all we do!
with love,
Synoxie
When I am faced with a challenging situation with someone that makes me feel uptight and wound up I try to remember to pause briefly before I act or speak. In that moment I use Mel’s other strategy; breathe in love-exhale fear. That helps me have control over my reaction and foster the positive.
Hi Mel,
I’ve just been through a difficult situation with my man, after a few days heading down the path of fear, anxiety and my imagination running wild, today I woke up and said, you know what, I’m going to choose LOVE. Almost immediately I felt calm and expansive. it was quite a holy sh*t moment for me, after following your posts for a while, finally I understand the POWER behind your message. Now I feel like I can move past the situation and return to love. Thank you xx
Hi Melissa,
I’m truly inspired by you,your posts and your positive energy.
After what you went through, you were brave enough to share this with us with the intention of making us a better version of ourselves.
How do you deal with anger? How do you calm it down when you feel it swirling inside you and just wanting to come out in the most brutal way possible? How can you not react when your ‘loved ones’ tell you so negative things, treat you like nothing, insult and accuse you of things you never thought, never said and never did?
Today I experienced this and reacted in the most horrible way ever. I couldn’t recognise myself and at that moment could not even think clearly. It was like there was someone else inside me saying all those horrible things in reply to those horrible things being said to me. Since the start of this year, I’m just aiming at being a better me. Taking care of myself, my nutrition,my skin and my health and mind. In a moment, how could i forget all this? What should i do? After being so angry and nearly fell inconscious, i got red marks on my face. I don’t want to live such a day again.
Hi Tan,
Thank you so much for your comment beautiful. I would definitely suggest having a read of the below blog posts darling…
Just take a moment to breathe and don’t forget that you are not back to square one.
http://melissaambrosini.bitnamiapp.com/love/4-steps-for-coping-with-challenging-relationships
http://melissaambrosini.bitnamiapp.com/love/how-to-speak-your-truth-and-not-lose-friends
http://melissaambrosini.bitnamiapp.com/love/improve-your-relationships
Let me know how you go.
xx
Thank you Melissa!
Coming back home from work and seeing that you have replied to my comment is like a blessing. I will read these posts with pleasure and practice it and then I will let you know how I’m able to handle the difficult relationship and hopefully will make you proud.
I hope one day I will get the opportunity to meet you and thank you for helping me taking charge of my life, taking care of me and my health and my mind 🙂
Any tips to wake up early? 🙂
Hi Tan,
You’re such a sweetie. I hope to meet you in person one day also.
Don’t focus on making me proud, focus on making yourself proud. I am already proud of you for just being here and showing up.
Tips for waking up early… go to be early! Most nights I am in bed at 8:30/9pm. Try it for 2 weeks and let me know how you feel.
xx
Hi again Melissa,
You made me smile with such a lovely reply.
I know I have a long way to go but I also know that it is an ongoing process and I just have to enjoy every part of it.
Thank you for making me realise that I should not feel not worthy etc. Mean Girl chatter! Whenever I realise negative thoughts are coming I convert them!
I think about you and other inspirational persons who makes so much of us feel better through your words of wisdom.
Haha 😀 true about the go to bed early!
I will follow this advice today itself 🙂
Hi Melissa! I get this I really do… What about though if the difficult relationship is a romantic partner. I have had a real ah haa moment where I can see I needed him as my teacher. I realised I manifested a man like this to show my deep seeded limited belief that I don’t deserve any better. When i really got to the bottom of this, forgave myself for beleiving this and let go of the hurt and pain attached and forgave this person and thanked him in my heart for showing me what I needed to see in myself. My question is, now what??
I dont want to be with him anymore. We have children together but i now know I deserve a real heart felt connection. I dont deserve abuse. Now that he has served his purpose I am struggling to know how to make th e decision. Is it right to let him go.
Hey Megan,
Firstly, thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. You are beautiful!
Honey, only you know deep in your heart what’s truly right for you. My advice is to tune in, follow your intuition (it always knows the way). And remember there is always a consequence when we deny our truth and choose fear.
You are a strong, beautiful, powerful women. You deserve all the love and happiness in the world, but you have got to believe it. Stay true to you and follow your heart.
I am sending you so much love.
xx
This is a great article but I am currently stuck on: how do you forgive someone that refuses to talk to you? I really want to move on from this situation.
Great question Nat.
Forgiveness happens completely within my darling, it’s an internal process of acceptance and letting go.
Give it a go and let me know how you feel.
xx
I stumbled upon this article while looking for… some comfort I guess. A way back out of this web of fear that I had weaved for myself.
It helped, reading these simple instructions and peoples experiences. It always helps to realise you are not alone, and struggling doesn’t mean you’re a head case. It’s universal and it means you are alive, asking questions and growing.
Anyway, last night, right before I fell asleep, something hit me. It’s not a new insight by any means but the difference was that instead of knowing something and then trying to have my brain teach my heart… I now was overwhelmed with this feeling that my brain later could identify. It gave me a deeper understanding. Here’s what happened.
I had a good day. I was connected to myself, I felt happy, I felt at ease.
This way I felt my heart opening up, I felt love being pumped back into my veins. When my partner and I crawled into bed I said, I wish every day was like this one. Nothing special had happened, no great romantic gestures, it was a normal day. So then right before I fell asleep it hit me, it had been quite some time since I last felt love flowing like this. I had been struggling A LOT with a deep seeded fear.
And I finally understood why Tich Nath Hahn says that the opposite of love is fear (as opposed to anger for instance). I could FEEL how fear had blocked the love. Fear puts a cold, tight grip on your heart. It keeps the heart from expansion and ultimately from opening up.
Feeling love is the most beautiful sensation.
So I have a choice between opening up my heart and risk getting hurt or keeping it locked up tight so no one can ever hurt me.
But you see, the greatest pain comes from not loving. And I knew, I want to feel love.
The greatest thing about this is that it was all about me. Whenever I try to be different for him, or in order ‘not to lose him’, it NEVER works. But if I want something for myself, it feels like peace.
Nice realisation sista! Blown away 😉
i am working on letting it go. when my mean girl starts to rewind the past, i remind her that i would rather she be my inner bestie and talk to me differently. i actually will replay the conversation as if my best friends were supporting me. it often makes me laugh and that is very freeing. it also makes me feel loved and cared for. i will finish by saying i love my inner bestie (and while i am at it my inner child). i feel my mean girl once had a very real use (constructive critical input that was designed to help me focus on healthy goals/positive action). somewhere along the line that bestie got into the wrong crowd and became an angry force aka the mean girl. i hope to remind her who she was and strengthen the neural pathway to my inner bestie and just let the old mean way sleep away. you are a wonderful teacher and inspiring this new phase of my life, i loved mastering your mean girl. i hope you continue to inspire and teach me
Glad you love it honey and YES I will keep going, don’t you worry about that 😉